Driver’s Seat of The Car You Still Haven’t Paid Off

Wipe your tears with that old McDonald’s cheeseburger wrapper, pound the steering wheel, and bang your head against the seat while snot and tears run down your face. If your ancient Volvo is visibly shaking with the venting of the day’s pent-up emotions, then you know you’re doing it right!

The Bouncy Castle at Your Niece’s Birthday Party

People are starting to have kids on purpose, while your neglected house plants shrivel and die at an alarming rate. So grab yourself a giant slice of cake to celebrate the aforementioned child’s life, don’t forget to take your shoes off, and go bob morosely in the bouncy castle. No one will hear your weeping over the high-pitched screams of sugar-crazed children!

In Line at the Pharmacy

It’s 8:45 at night. You came straight from the office. The pharmacy closes at 9. There are ten people ahead of you in line, and the woman at the counter currently has A LOT of questions about her medication! Maybe you got bit by a cat, are anxious, depressed—or all three! Either way, you need that medicine ASAP, and the line could not be moving slower. This is the perfect opportunity to just let it all out! Plus, if you cry hard enough maybe someone will let you skip the line! Or maybe they won’t make you pay for the $140 birth control your company just stopped covering?

The Middle Seat in Economy Nearest the Plane Bathroom

No one will bother you or ask why you’re crying. The seat you’re sitting in already tells them everything they need to know about how things are going for you.

Your Filthy Shower

An oldie, but a goodie! Let the lukewarm water rush from those ancient pipes right onto your face. Blubber away! No one can hear and no one can see—finally, a breakdown in ultimate privacy! Through your tears, you can barely even see the months of accumulated dirt, mold, and hair!

At Your Desk, Eyes Resolutely Glued to the Computer Screen

Your cutting-edge company has a great open-floor plan with no offices which means flattened hierarchy and zero personal space—yay! So next time you need to cry at work, just let silent tears run down your face while staring at your glowing screen. Because if you don’t look at your coworkers, they probably won’t look at you!

Half Inside Your Refrigerator

You deserve a little treat! But if you become paralyzed by choice or lack of options because you ate everything already, just stand half-inside the fridge, the door against your back, your face glued to whichever shelf smells the least bad, and cry until you decide. When you’re done, you’ll feel cool and refreshed and maybe motivated to finally go to the store! (I wouldn’t count on that though.)

While Giving a Toast at Your Younger Sister’s Wedding

This is a great opportunity to get a good cry in while also getting revenge on your younger sister for finding eternal love and happiness before you did. So *hiccup* *sob* *sniffle* Cheers to the bride and groom! Must be nice! *strangled laugh sob* *scattered applause* *concerned whispers*

Curled on Your Floor Mere Inches Away From Your Bed

This is a really fun one, because it’s so dramatic. It helps if you imagine God looking down on your prone, shaking body and thinking, “Man she has it really rough.” You can either curl into the fetal position, lie facedown with your tears dripping into the carpet, or just collapse and let your limbs assume their natural position of despair.

Dance Floor at a Club

I would wear glitter makeup if you’re going to do this one. That way your tears will sparkle, and you can look like Jules from Euphoria. This way girls will think you’re really cool, and your visibly mounting, alcohol-fueled hysteria will certainly deter any man who might have been contemplating groping you!


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