A haiku about writer's block:

The infinite search
Into the inner depths
For topics undiscovered.

I need to write something.  Anything.  My editor was like, "You can literally write about anything as long as it's funny and entertaining."  Such an endless bound of topics to choose from.  I could open any page of the dictionary, point to a word, and writer about it as long as it's funny and entertaining.  Yet, when given such immeasurable boundaries, I cannot find anything to write about.

My deadline approaches, and I stumble to construct my blueprints into anything funny and entertaining.  I have a two-pager about Nintento 64; I'm working on a paper about the baseball.  And I'm working on another one about _________.  Wait what?  I was working on how ________ was hilarious.  Why can't I remember?

You're losing it.

Maybe if I write a poem:

Writer's block
Suck my cock
My mind on lock
Plummeting . . . like the . . . market . .  stock?

That poem sucked.

I'll write as a microwave that has experienced the evolution of meals placed into it over the decades. That's fucking stupid, dude.Okay.  Stop judging yourself.  You need to just open your mind and write about something.  Hey, how about computer mouses!  Fuck that.  I heard that if you play music you can stimulate your creativity muscle or some scientific shit like that.  I don't have fucking time to download shitty ass classical music.  This fucking sucks.

[Insert funny one-liner]

Maybe if I write something really controversial.  Like how male feminists are the oddest casualties to brainwash.  No way dude, people would tear you apart for that one in the comment section.  Oh man, I'll write one about all the people in the comment section, that way when they leave a comment, I'll already be making fun of them!!  Nah dude, it's been done, and you'll just look stupid.

Why can't I think of anything?  Am I losing my creative touch?  My ability to climb into the minds of others and trigger laughter through only written print?  No way dude, you got this.

Just go smoke some weed, and it'll make you more creative.  Or you could write about weed!  Everyone loves weed!  They always commend weed!  Nah, you already did it.  You can't talk about weed twice or they'll think you're some druggie. 

_________.  And then I __________.  Well let me tell you something about ___________.  It's so funny after you _________ before __________ and then she __________.  (Insert pun here [Insert pun intended here].)

It's like a "Mad Lib" Your Own Comedy Article.

….  Think ….

Maybe if you find a different way to write about something.  Step outside the first person rants and experience a different perspective. Write as a dental worker who installs Lil Wayne's teeth grills.  Or write as an outraged blind person accusing Ben Affleck's portrayal of the blind in Dare Devil.  No way man, that won't last long enough.  You won't be able to make it funny and entertaining.

Funny and entertaining

Money and center-braining

Sunny and rent . . . her . . . raining?

That poem fucking sucked.

It's all about how you write.  You can't just write something, because that's boring.  You need to tweak it slightly, inserting not just the message that everyone finds funny and ________. Entertaining you fuck.  You're losing it.

Fragment (consider revising)

I'll write as a microwave that has experienced the evolution of meals placed into it over the decades.  That's fucking stupid, dude.  I'll write as a mirror.  Yeah, just a mirror.  That'll be so mosaic.

Once you start doubting yourself, things only get worse.  That's what my dad used to say.  But sports and school and making friends were so one-dimensional.  Either you did or didn't.  In writing you can write ANYTHING.  You can stretch your mind and divulge into any thought you wanted to.

I wonder if there will ever be a day in writing when every subject is written about, and there is no such thing as originality.  When authors get increasingly blocked up due to decreasing unique topics to be discussed.  When writing is broken down into a scientific formula of properly placed verbs and collaborating adverbs, ironic phrases referring to a recent pop-culture reference, and then hit with a _______. (Insert pun here [Insert pun intended here]).

You could write about lol.  Everyone hates lol.  Even fucking spell check hates lol.

You could write as an evolving dictionary, accepting words like "w00t" and "lol" and eventually "ROFLMFAO" until every AIM-spawn word has infected the sophisticated games of Scrabble.

Fuck that.  You need that perfect topic. __________.  Why can't you do it?

You could make a bunch of random movie shout-outs.

I feel like my mind is wandering around a massive maze, searching for its baby brother while David Bowie sings the soundtrack.

I feel like _______________.

Shit, you lost it.

I hate it when you're writing something and then people peer over your shoulder and start reading it halfway through and then ask what it's about.

Let's diagnose the problem:

writer's block

A usually temporary condition in which a writer finds it impossible to proceed with the writing of a novel, play, or other work.

Usually?  Shit, this could happen forever?  Imagine not being able to think of anything creative again; having to surrender to the laws of citation and previously developed ideas. What would I write about if I had writer's block?  But it says in "novel" or "play."  I don't need to write that shit.  I'm not Shakespeare, I'm just an asshole who wants to make a deadline.

So it's a condition in which I [the writer] finds it impossible to proceed [with the writing].  Impossible to proceed?  Like, stuck?  This is the point in which my brain is stuck, and has exhausted its knowledge of a certain subject.  I guess when my editor said I could write about "anything" he was challenging me.  If I [the writer] find it impossible to proceed, I can't write about anything.

Maybe this is like "the wall" runners hit during races.  A spot where your mind is telling your body it can no longer continue—finds it impossible to proceed.  It is the battle through this wall that motivates you to continue stronger, better, stronger.  Like the Kanye West Song.

Don't even bother with Kanye, it's already been done.

Maybe I'm having a civil way with my mind; part of it has hit "the wall" and can no longer continue, while part is determined to fight through it.  But how?

___________________________________________________, the end.