Has anyone out there ever noticed that somewhere between high school and college we stopped going on dates? Maybe it's because the appeal of bars has made it easier for our 18-24 age group to get an intoxicated body back to our place, saving time and money—kind of like a little less conversation and a lot more drunken action.
This infuriated me when I first got to college. I went to an all-girls high school where my friends and I only saw guys on the weekend. Thus weekends were spent in the traditional Leave It To Beaver wholesome kind of way. Unless you were riding in the back seat of the minivan—but that's a whole other column about tainting other people's property when you think they can't see what you're doing in the rearview mirror.
Consequently, my high school days were filled with weekend trips to the mini-golf course, movies, the beach, air shows, and yes ,even the local ice cream parlors. Looking back it was pretty fucking lame that I wasn't prepping my drinking tolerance, but then again who has time to learn about Bacardi and Coke when you're playing a safe, rousing game of mini putt-putt?
Maybe we don't date in college because not all of us have cars and can't get off campus anywhere. Or maybe, just maybe, it's the harsh reality that somehow Dairy Queen has been replaced with the Beer Queen, and dinner and a movie has been replaced with a simple phone call. “Hey, want to come over and watch a movie tonight?” Which really translates to, “Hey, want to come over and watch half a movie and spend the other half hooking up?”
I've noticed through my experience, and the experiences of my girlfriends, that guys only watch certain movies when inviting girls over. These movies are meant to reel her into your arms and pants by the time the sex-music montage screen unleashes itself to your simple viewer's eyes.
Guys who bring chicks over make them watch:
1. Top Gun
Greatest Line: “Your ego's writing checks your body can't cash.”
Line You Should Be Macking By: “Take me to bed or lose me forever….”
I don't think Tom Cruise has ever made a bad movie, but this one is still reeling college women into male dorm rooms by the minute. Sure it's easy now to laugh at the cheesy lines, and notice that wearing jeans while playing beach volleyball was the worst wardrobe choice ever. But the facts remain—anything in a uniform is sexy and anything that breaks the sound barrier is hot. Just don't start inventing Top Gun nicknames for yourself like Kickstand and Apetits. It really doesn't compare to the groin-quivering nicknames of Maverick and Goose, lest we forget Iceman.
2. Fight Club
Greatest Line: “A condom is the glass slipper for our generation. You slip one on when you meet a stranger. You ‘dance' all night, and then you throw it away. The condom, I mean, not the stranger.”
Line You Should Be Macking By: “Look, nobody takes this more seriously than me. That condo was my life, okay? I loved every stick of furniture in that place. That was not just a bunch of stuff that got destroyed, it was ME! [voice-over] I'd like to thank the Academy….”
Dear Brad Pitt, Thank you for your entire existence and the fact that you had zero percent body fat while filming this movie. Seeing you bloody, fighting shirtless with your incredibly ripped abs, and still managing to look hot will make every woman watching this movie evaluate the guy sitting next to her and hold him to new standards. After all, who wants to hook up with Edward Norton when really you could hold out for a Tyler model instead?
Greatest Line: “My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, Commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.”
Line You Should Be Macking By: “Today I saw a slave become more powerful than the Emperor of Rome.”
Typical story line: one guy kills father to become king, intends to kill off Russell Crowe and take over Rome. But oops, Russell Crowe can never be killed off, much like Bruce Willis. The flick provides a little variety for the common male viewer—no twenty minute bullet shower scene, just a bunch of men in ancient artillery fighting off tigers and a very pasty looking Joaquin Phoenix. Ladies, I think my old roommates watched this movie at least twenty times last year—per semester.
4. Happy Gilmore
Greatest Line: “The price is wrong, bitch.”
Line You Should Be Macking By: “Quite a large and economically diverse crowd here at the Michelob Invitational.”
This movie is a triumph amongst college males. Combining the violence of hockey and the monotony of golf normally makes for a challenging watch. But this classic manages to leave the audience on the edge of its seat wondering if Happy will indeed succeed and be able to afford to take his grandma out of the old age home operated by Zoolander. Good movie all around but ladies, guys tend to really get into this flick and will unintentionally ignore you. The power of Adam Sandler is just too strong.
Greatest Line: “But, I'm funny how? Funny like a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh? I'm here to fuckin' amuse you?”
Line You Should Be Macking By: “That's the way it is with a wise guy partner. He gets his money no matter what. You got no business? Fuck you, pay me. You had a fire? Fuck you, pay me. The place got hit by lightning and World War Three started in the lounge? Fuck you, pay me.”
Everyone likes the Sopranos. If you don't you're the dumbest fucking person on the planet or your parents are too cheap to pay for HBO. Either way this flick is based on a true story which always makes a movie better. And guys don't have to worry about being compared to those sexy beasts, Ray Liotta and Joe Pesci.
Chicks love to make guys watch:
Greatest Line: “Components. American components, Russian Components, ALL MADE IN TAIWAN!”
Line You Should Be Macking By: “I remember this! This is one where the coyote was chasing the Roadrunner and strapped himself to a 500-pound rocket. I was just wondering; you know, because it didn't work out all that well for the Coyote.”
When this movie first came out its competition was the highly publicly-ignored Deep Impact. Bruce Willis or Tea Leoni? Hmmm…who ever will I choose? The point is, besides the terrible “last time on Earth” love scene between Ben Affleck and Liv Tyler with the even more terribly fake sunset backdrop, the movie has Bruce Willis saving the world. So technically, to a guy, it's just like the Die Hard movies, only in outer space—oh wait no, it's not because Bruce Willis dies. Nevermind.
2. Legally Blonde
Greatest Line: “Because I'm not a Vanderbilt, suddenly I'm white trash? I grew up in Bel Air, Warner. Across the street from Aaron Spelling. I think most people would agree that's a lot better than some stinky old Vanderbilt.”
Line You Should Be Macking By: “And last week I saw Cameron Diaz at Fred Segal, and I talked her out of buying this truly heinous angora sweater. Whoever said orange was the new pink was seriously disturbed.”
Guys if you're not making out by that line right when she gets into Harvard you're going to feel like you're watching Barbie goes to Law School, Barbie Gets a Manicure, and Barbie Goes to Court. So it's best for you to just try and intercept that DVD before the clothed sorority scene begins to play in the opening credits.
3. Good Will Hunting
Greatest Line: “Do you like apples? Well, I got her number. How do you like them apples?”
Line You Should Be Macking By: “Do you like apples? Well, I got her number. How do you like them apples?”
Matt Damon and Ben Affleck in one movie is a great combination, but this was their first flick together so Ben Affleck looks like a brillo-haired slob and Matt Damon is too academic for the drinker in all of us. You better be hooking up by the time he gets Minnie Driver's number, otherwise it's all about bad Boston bad accents and a sympathetic, unhyperactive Robin Williams.
4. The Sweetest Thing
Greatest Line: The Penis Song
Line You Should Be Macking By: “Don't go looking for Mr. Right. Look for Mr. Right Now.”
A raunchy movie for the raunchy girl in us all. These are free thinkers who have casual sex in the beginning and are essentially players, but as the movie evolves and the penis song is over, things calm down a bit. I've heard if you freeze frame during the music montage in the dressing room you can see Cameron Diaz's nipples show through the bikini she's wearing. (Sorry ladies I was forced to throw that in there to ensure the guys would continue reading the rest of the article.) This movie inspired chicks to be a little wilder so if you're not having any over-the-clothing action by the bar scene consider yourself Mr. I've Recently Had Second Thoughts.
5. The Cutting Edge
Greatest Line: Toepick
Line You Should Be Macking By: Toepick
The classic story of Doug, young hockey player who went to the Olympics and got beaten up on the ice by Russia or Canada, I don't remember, and is now blind in one eye. Instead of coaching peewee hockey like Gordon Bombay of the Mighty Ducks, our friend Doug here decides to pair up with Princess Ice Bitch and compete in the Olympics by pairs figure skating. Great underrated 80's movie. Guys, chicks will usually tell you it's based on a hockey theme, but don't let them fool you. The hockey sequence lasts about three and a half minutes.
Safe hookup choices for all college students:
1. Boondock Saints
Greatest Line: “So, what's the symbology of all this?”
Line You Should Be Macking By: “Cuddle? What a fag.”
Ladies, you have hot Irish lads to look at and fantasize about—and plot is super controversial so it will make you think too. Guys, there are so many actions sequences, it's like you're watching Die Hard only with a really good story line.
Greatest Line: “Protection from what? ‘Zee Germans'?”
Line You Should Be Macking By: [Incoherently] “Save your breath for cooling your porridge. Hey, look…right. And she's terribly partial to the periwinkle blue. Have I made myself clear, lads?”
Guy Ritchie is a genius. It's scary how I have developed a secret crush on Jason Statham, but that's not the point. The point is the story line is phenomenal. The British accents are authentic, and Brad Pitt plays a six-pack gypsy. All for a diamond the size of a baby's fist. As the English would say, “It's quality.”
3. Tin Cup
Greatest Line: “Greatness courts failure.”
Line You Should Be Macking By: “I hit it again because that shot was a defining moment, and when a defining moment comes along, you define the moment…or the moment defines you.”
Let's face it, we all love one movie that Kevin Costner is in. I just pray that none of you who love Waterworld will ever admit it. Either way, we watch Kevin take on Don Johnson in a game of golf. The Legend of Bagger Vance is also a big hit with the college crowd but it throws in too many historical accuracies and not enough raunchy sexual innuendo. So instead I chose Kevin Costner in a wife beater living in a trailer with Cheech & Chong over Matt Damon. Hope none of you out there are taking notes.
4. Empire Records
Greatest Line: “Well ‘Sinead O'Rebellion.' Shock me shock me shock me with that deviant behavior.”
Line You Should Be Macking By: “It's Rex Manning Day! Oh Rexy you're so sexy!”
Alright so now we see Renée Zellweger in her non-Academy Award winning film. Her singing debut that even Justin Rebello over there would get a hard-on for. It doesn't star a tap dancing Richard Gere either so that might have something to do with it. You watch a bunch of college kids working in a record store. You'd think that this is the kind of stuff you do everyday only it's more glamorized because Liv Tyler attempts to lose her virginity to a younger version of had been Billy Mac.
5. The Thomas Crown Affair
Greatest Line: “Men make women messy.”
Line You Should Be Macking By: “I never bring anyone here.”
Someone's pants should be off by the time they reach the tropical island. I realize that I could have put The Girl Next Door or Van Wilder here, but we've all seen those films a dozen times, and when it's date night you don't want to have the guy you're with distracted by fantasies of Tara Reid or Elisha Cuthbert. So I chose instead to work with Rene Russo—an attractive woman, but not in the “I can pose for Maxim on a regular basis” category. That's really what it comes down too. Plus the funniest Irish man in the world Denis Leary provides some comical wit through the slow dialogue scenes.
Happy watching, and may you only make it halfway.