>>> The Rollercoaster of Drama
By staff writer Simonne Cullen
November 21, 2004

I'm pretty sure AIM profiles were originally meant to be funny. You know, a couple of funny lines from a movie, an inside joke, something terribly random but ultimately hilarious your roommate said. But lately I have noticed that some people have chosen to advertise their lives in a desperate attempt to prove that they actually live an exciting or insanely dramatic one, within the realms of the 1024 characters it takes to build a profile. What a fucking random number that is huh? And then if you've written too much that little window pops up and says you've gone over the legal AIM limit by so many character numbers. Which is really just short for, “You've written way too much by far, and AIM is afraid that if we didn't limit the amount of characters, you'd have displayed your complete biography to the entire AIM world, and we're just trying to protect your feelings here. But seriously, no one really cares. Not even God.”

I hate seeing countdowns on profiles. I hate knowing people who put countdowns on their profiles even worse. Not only do I have to read about it every day, I also have to hear about it at breakfast, lunch, dinner, and the end of the sorority meeting. “Only ten more days 'til I my romantic getaway with Jason!” “Just 17 more days 'til my birthday!” “1 month 'til the new OC season begins!” “Only 5 more hours 'til these genital warts are surgically removed!” I mean, my god, it's nice to have something to look forward too, but really nobody gives a shit. We don't care if you have “out of control” holiday plans like the following chick:

“So why do we keep checking these wack jobs' AIM profiles? To see if their life has grown any more exciting than ours of course.”

“OMIGOD!! Just 4 more days 'til Thanksgiving with the BFF's and the Macy's Day Parade, then 25 days after that it's a Klancy Family Christmas. Complete with homemade cookies and spiked eggnog!”

That Klacy name was changed. But only to protect myself. All I need is to run into the owner of this car wreck of a profile over winter break at home and have her scream at me in the middle of Bloomingdale's “WHY DID YOU WRITE THAT ABOUT ME IN YOUR ARTICLE?! We used to be such great friends in high school!” Because then I'd have to reply, “Because no one cared about your ‘3 month 'til your birthday countdown' then, and no one cares how many days 'til something as incessant as making your Christmas cookies now.” But if I was a cool badass I'd say something like, “Only 3.5 more seconds 'til I kick your ass.” Then I'd count down and jab her right in the head. But instead I'll just take her down with my sarcastic rhetoric.

The only thing worse than a countdown is the constant inaccuracy of countdowns by not keeping them up to date. Like reading, “Twenty-five more days of Lent 'til I can eat chocolate again” on Easter Sunday.

Then it's always lame to see an entire song written out in bold font. And it's not ever a cool song like Trina's “No Panties.” Imagine reading, “No panties coming off. My love is gonna cost, cause ain't no way that you gonna get up in this for free! New Trina! I know you be packing a steal but I can't suck a dick and get my lipstick smeared.” Oh no, coool rap songs never show up on profiles. It's always some real sad country song that drags on and on about “Each day the sun sets into the west her heart sinks lower in her chest and friends keep asking when she's going, finally she tells them there is no Arizona. If there was a Grand Canyon she could fill it up with the lies he's told her.” And you just want to punch this person in the face for finding a Jamie O'Neal song and posting it up there. And I am an artist. I know that there are many different way to express yourself emotionally, but I also know that if Jessica Simpson's profile reflected a sad Celine Dion song right after Nick's stripper scandal we'd all think a little less of her. And don't deny it, so would you.

Let's see, what else do I hate about profiles? Oh yeah, people who put nothing on their profile. It's a waste when you click and stare at a blank canvas. Could this person not find time between class and a nap to add a quote or two? Something that allows his public to be convinced that he has some sort of personality, or at least something I can make fun of in AIM Profiles Part 2? Maybe even a little mystery, because I'd rather be looking at a blank screen than a profile that reads, “SWM seeking SWM that enjoys swinging both ways and old Bill Murray movies.” What about Bob indeed….

You know what I do like about profiles though? People putting their cell phone numbers right at the end. Some people think it's sad advertising your phone number to friends, or that pervs will call your phone leaving you intimate messages and promises of pleasure if you meet them at the Starbucks on the corner of 69th and Sketchy Ave at midnight. But I don't want to have to look up your number in the school's directory when I can double click and there it is. Although I do have a bone to pick with the people who don't put their area code when they're from out of state. That takes even more work because do you know how many suburbs Chicago has? I think he may be from Buffalo Grove…now is that 847, 630, or 847? It's like that fucking joke of a song Area Codes…you know the one. Listen, just stick your whole number up there. Cyber-stalking is so last year.

So why do we keep checking these wack jobs' AIM profiles? To see if their life has grown any more exciting than ours of course. But let me tell you something. In the past five months, funny quotes and song lyrics have come and gone on my profile (even a couple of lines from Switchfoot songs), but don't be one of those buddies with a long, stale breakup song, sad country ballad, or Broadway showtune that hasn'tbeen changed for months. If you have no idea where to start (especially those of you with blank profiles), at least throw up something upbeat from Snatch or Old School. Not Dawson's Creekish. Joshua Jackson's career went downhill right about the time he began playing sensitive Pacey and so will your reputation.