Simon Says

A modern twist on an age-old children’s game. Follow these simple instructions and get ahead in the game of life.

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Simon says raise your hand if you would like to cure cancer.

Simon says wave your hand around if you’re willing to cure cancer by NOT shaving or grooming for one month.

Everyone who is not waving your hands around, Simon says sit down! You’re just rude. This is cancer we are talking about, and it’s just a little extra hair growth. I can see this is going to be a tough group.

Scratch your head if you’re confused as to why letting your body hair grow will do a single thing to help cure cancer.

Great job! You didn’t fall for it. However you still look confused. And to be honest, now that I think about it, I’m slightly flummoxed myself. Doesn’t growing your hair out, when so many cancer patients have lost their hair, seem a little braggy? At least this is just a game!

Simon says do jumping jacks if you regularly get a Brazilian wax.

Simon says stop doing jumping jacks if you’re willing to call the EuroSpa, cancel your Brazilian wax, and opt for a manicure instead.

Seriously ladies? You’re all still doing jumping jacks? Can it really be THAT unruly down there? We’re only talking a month. Ok, well, perhaps we can make an exception if you just agree to a trim.

Still no takers? Wow. Okay then, why don’t you STOP DOING JUMPING JACKS and think about all those people with cancer who won’t have a life because you’re too selfish to forgo your landing strip. For GOD’S SAKE. Where am I? What decade is this? I would have had NO TROUBLE with this game in the 1970s!

You’re still doing jumping jacks. Ah, right, Simon didn’t say. This group is too smart for me.

Simon says stop doing jumping jacks. PLEASE.

Simon says now turn to your right and kick your neighbor in the ass. That’s right, you heard me. And while you’re kicking their ass, think about the fact that if you were willing to let your chin hairs grow for a month, you’d be kicking CANCER’S ass instead.

Now let’s all of us work together to cure cancer, shall we?

Look down at your left leg. Do you see some pricklies there? Kick your left leg in the air if you commit to leaving those be, just for a month.

Ha. Gotcha! You were doing so well, and then you had to start kicking the air, when Simon didn’t even say. What a shame.

Simon says NOW get to kicking if you’re willing to stop with the shaving and ditch the depilatories, so these cancer patients can get a break for once.

Now who is willing to put down the pruning shears and let your underarm hair grow free? All of you? Even without Simon saying? Well, that’s good because guess what? You just cured cancer!