Simon Says

A modern twist on an age-old children’s game. Follow these simple instructions and get ahead in the game of life.

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Simon Says applaud if you’re glad the godforsaken year of 2020 is finally over.

Simon says bend over backwards if you’re willing to do your part to turn things around in 2021.

That’s it! Down you go, nice and easy. I know it’s frightening to commit to another year of potential unknowns with no real clarity on whether or not your contributions will have any positive impact whatsoever. But let’s think optimistically, shall we?!

Now that you’ve got a nice backwards bend (my goodness, that was like watching paint dry), quickly come back up if you’re willing to drink less alcohol this year.

Excellent work, friends. Simon did NOT say, and no one fell for it!

Simon says come back up if you’re willing to drink less alcohol this year.

Hmm. Still no takers. Perhaps you didn’t hear me. Let’s try a different tack.

Simon says carefully stand up straight if you’re committed to cutting out all carbohydrates and sugar for the month of January to jumpstart a healthy New Year.

Interesting. This is a tough group—fully committed to bending over backwards but not up for doing anything substantial to change their behavior for the better. Lip service at best.

Simon says all of you should consider therapy.

Simon says viable New Year’s resolutions for this group are probably simple things you can do in your home without giving up ANY vices. For example, make your bed every morning. Walk up and down the stairs five times a day. Sanitize your phone weekly. Join an online “petting zoo lovers” club. Give yourself a new look that doesn’t involve athleisure wear or a bathrobe. Read a good book, probably in the self-help category.

Why are all of you laying on the couch? Simon did not say to do that, in fact I didn’t remotely utter the word couch in any context. What is the matter with you?!

Simon says perhaps you should take more exotic-themed trips with no actual destination in mind, as it doesn’t seem any of you are truly committed to being resolute about ANYTHING.

Wait! Where is everyone going? You can’t leave me on Zoom, all alone, while you potentially trot off to Africa for a safari or St. Barts to snorkel with the dolphins… it was my idea in the first place!

Fine. Simon says best of luck for 2021.