Simon Says

A modern twist on an age-old children’s game. Follow these simple instructions and get ahead in the game of life.

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Simon says wash your hands.

Sing “happy birthday” while you wash your hands, as the song’s duration will ensure you’ve given them a good scrub and removed any lingering germs from picking your nose, scratching your butt, or handling a small farm animal that may or may not be carrying a virus of unknown origin.

Ha. That was your first test. Simon didn’t say to do any of that, but it’s good information nonetheless.

Simon says put your gloves on.

Simon says now you can touch your computer screen, because who knows if your disgusting sister was using it earlier for one of her virtual classes, online shopping, or social media posting.

Simon says log in to the government-subsidized video conferencing system and wave at all your friends like everything is normal, while secretly wishing you could see them in person.

If any of your classmates are wearing masks, remind them that they are idiots because you cannot pass asymptomatic diseases, symptomatic diseases, or pencils through a computer screen.

Gotcha! Simon DIDN’T say. But really, Simon wishes you would—because that particular human doesn’t understand the fundamentals of how viruses are spread (and as a side note, not to be mean, but they’re probably flunking science).

Simon says it’s time to test the waters.

Go outside and grab your neighbors hand for a mock-walk to school.

NO! Abort. Simon did not say. Can you not hear? Yikes, this means you may have the coronavirus! Wait, no, that’s taste and smell. Nevermind. Well anyway, DO NOT go outside (unless you’re wearing a mask made from a T-shirt of your favorite sports team) and whatever you do, DO NOT hold someone’s hand. Even if they’ve been soaking in a bath of sanitizer, dousing their clothes in Lysol, and are dressed in a hazmat suit, you just don’t know what awful, gross, virus-like substances are lurking around their aura.

Simon says go back inside immediately.

Simon says it’s time for lunch. Simon says it’s nice to share your lunch with someone at school who can’t afford lunch. Now that I think about it, that’s going to be really hard to do through a computer screen. Nevermind. Guess they’re on their own.

Simon says go find your parents. Technically, they should be overseeing your virtual school, but instead may be doing things they find more important—like working at their job (also likely virtual) or riding a Peloton bike to nowhere in an attempt to not commit a double or triple homicide.

Tell your parents virtual school feels like summer break, because playing Minecraft is still the number one way you’re learning important skills like creativity, problem solving, and even reading and math!

NO NO NO. Simon definitely did NOT say to do this. Your parents feel awful and flummoxed enough. Do yourself and everyone else a favor by keeping up the farce. Virtual school feels exactly like—if not better than—in-person school.

Simon says wash your hands. Again.


And now a quick joke...

I’m sure whales have a very beautiful name for them, but to humans, they’re called blowholes.