I used to think I was a really smart guy—and I still think I am. Then I went and screwed up my life by majoring in English. Oh sure, your advisor will tell you there are a lot of jobs for if you study English, philosophy or art history, but you want to the know the honest truth? Your advisor sits around all day grading papers about Shakespeare's relationship with Chinese puppet torture plays.

Construction worker holding hard hatNow, I'm not telling you to not follow your dreams. But if you think you're going to make it big in the dancing, acting, singing, writing or drawing worlds, you've got to come to a bit of reality. If you want the arts to be your career, you have to get a job first. And jobs usually suck. There's a difference between a job and a career. When you have a job, you say, "Well, I'm a waiter. But I really want to be a writer." When you have a career, you say, "I'm a reporter for the second-most-influential kitten magazine in the Northeastern United States. Please fucking kill me."

I bet you thought once you've performed, published or featured, your life would be complete. You'll sit around fancy parties drinking interesting cocktails, carrying on conversations with super-neat celebrities. You'll never have to worry about money again because you're a "successful artist." Since my "writing career" is on hold again, once you arrive at that fancy party, tell me how it is.

Are you majoring in Spanish-language literature? Well, I have the job for you! It's called, "Construction Worker." I'm sure you've heard it before, but "everybody started somewhere." Albert Einstein worked as a clerk in a patent office. Will Smith was a rapper before he was an actor and a rapper. Abraham Lincoln played shortstop for the Chicago White Sox before becoming the nation's sixteenth president. So you're probably going to have to work a crappy job too.

Let's go over your employment options when you major in communications….

Unless your parents are rich and famous, or friends with rich and famous people, the fact is you're not going to find an artsy job on Craigslist. Well, if you're a hot girl, you can find a singing, dancing or acting gig—you'll just be naked and surrounded by creepy guys.

Nobody wishes to be an exotic dancer when they grow up, but there's a reason strip clubs are always full of talent—well, besides single parenthood and drunk chicks. If you're a girl, you know there's a lot of money to be made from rich dudes. Shitloads of it. The stripper I dated took in more money on one day shift than I made bartending four nights a week. She also had near endless amounts of drugs, alcohol, stupid ideas and sexual partners. So if you're into that, stripping is for you.

If you don't want to take off your clothes to pay the rent, or you're a dude, why don't you try a job in the food and beverage industry? For centuries students and starving artists have waited tables, served drinks, and delivered pizzas. Restaurants are fun. You get all kinds of neat perks like food, drinks and unruly customers! Sometimes you get to kill rats behind the dumpsters! Or you'll get stiffed off of a ten-top. If you're truly lucky, you'll work in the town where you went to college and somebody at one of your tables will recognize you and say, "Didn't I take Intro to Arabian Horse Psychology with you?" You'll nod, then hang your head in shame as you go to the back room to cry and wonder why life shits in your mouth.

Are you majoring in Spanish-language literature? Well, I have the job for you! It's called, "Construction Worker." You see, since you can habla Espanol, that means you can work and relate with Hispanic people who build houses, dig ditches and clean sewers. That is, once you dump the wussy Spaniard accent. Real Mexicans think the European way of speaking Spanish is gay. And they'll think you are too unless you learn their way of Spanish.

You could use your liberal arts education to do any number of things. Why, you could be a mail carrier! You could be the very reason for existence for old people in nursing homes, who hope and wish and beg and pray for one of their friends or relatives or grandchildren to send them a letter. And when their unloving family members don't acknowledge their existence, you just walk away to the next mailbox. Postmen get to hang out with Mr. Rogers, ring twice, swipe issues of Hustler and pick out all the best Netflix movies they want to steal.

Since record stores don't really exist, other exciting employment opportunities for recent liberal arts grads are sanitary engineers, shoe salesmen, the puppy killer at your local animal shelter, and did I say sanitary engineer? You might have dug yourself into hundreds of thousands of dollars in student loan debt, but with a job as a garbage man, you might have dug yourself into a gold mine! Every five years or so you hear about trash collectors who find diamond rings or hundred dollar bills. That could be you!

Hey, it's rough out there. I know just as well as anybody else. I'm not just a dumbass who majored in English at NYU, I furthered my education and earned a master's in print journalism—that's about as worthless as a degree in steam engine repair. So I have two worthless stints of higher education and five years of writing experience. You know what my job prospects are? Yep, I'm getting demoted to working the door as a bouncer in a fucking bar. Guess how proud my parents are of their cultured little genius? Hopefully very proud, because I'll probably be moving back in with them soon.

But you know the greatest thing? The economy is sliding so fast down the shitter, all your buddies studying business and numberish stuff are super-fucked too. So go ahead and get your degree in the feminist bubble gum sculptures of Iceland. There are plenty of jobs waiting for you.