>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf

June 27, 2007

Nathan: So, what’s your angle?
Landed a live-in.
How old?
My age.
Good work.

A few days ago, I met a girl who said she wanted to remain nameless, and so Nameless she shall be. Nameless and I got to talking, as people will when they’re two of the only people in a bar on a mid-afternoon, and I learned a lot about Nameless. I learned that, at the age of 21, she did not work, and lived with her boyfriend of two months.

Once again for dramatic effect: two months.

After about an hour of talking to this chick, I got to take her for a drifter and a hustler. Granted, a smoking hot drifter and hustler, but a drifter and hustler all the same.

And as I got to know her (body) and learn about her boyfriend, I came to a conclusion: this guy was a sucker. I felt bad for him. Almost kept me from sleeping with her.

Anyway, the experience got me thinking that there may easy be a whole bunch of gentlemen out there who, from lack of life experience, lack of common sense, or a combination of both, could easily get hustled by this chick and chicks like her. This column is for those patsies—I mean gentlemen.

“You must consider exactly how long it took you to get the woman in question into bed.”

Consider this a tribute to common sense.

There are several rules in life that one must follow to avoid getting played like a cheap cliché about something that gets played easily (your mom?), and if you follow them, you minimize the odds of ending up with a cheating little drifter hustler. Now, I can’t guarantee that even by following these rules you will be hustling-drifter-bitch-free the rest of your life, but at least I can help you hedge your bets.

On to the ways to avoid getting played.

Rule #1: Pay Some Attention to Background

Look, chicks that “just moved here” or are stripping for their “first night” may make for great evenings, but if you’re smart, they should also make for the kind of evenings wherein you keep your eyes on your wallet. Fun is fun. Money is money. It helps if you can tie people to things like a home address and possibly a few other humans you know before you go leaving them alone with whatever the hell you have that’s worth money. Background is important. Past performance and future results and all that.

Rule #2: Think About Your Sex Life

Before you even consider for one second espousing to be faithful to another female or letting one live with you, you must consider exactly how long it took you to get the woman in question into bed. I mean, if you met this chick and fucked on the first dance and still have her around, you can pretty much bet that she’s pulled this trick before and will again. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t keep banging this chick, I’m just saying that you should think long and hard before you commit yourself to her.

Rule #3: Make Sure She Works

Bitch damn well better be doing something. If she ain’t got babies, she should be in school and/or working somewhere. Or to borrow the words of an old, wise man, “Don’t commit yourself to being a meal ticket any sooner than you honestly have to.”

Rule #4: Revere the Key

Now, I know a guy named Miguel who gives out his keys to girls all the time. Miguel’s a locksmith. For those of you non-locksmiths out there, I highly recommend that you think twice—no, fuck that, five times—before giving the chick a key. In fact, my criteria for giving a chick a key consists of having dated her for more than six months, having met her parents (if alive or relatively close by), having a good idea how trustworthy she is, and knowing for a fact that I’ve never seen her steal anything or use hard drugs.

The key is important, fellas. Bad things can happen if you give out the key to the wrong girl.

For example, I could get in.

No one wants to get used for their money, cheated on, and just generally played, but there are a few men out there who know they’re getting played, but are cool with it because they think the chick they’re banging is way out of their league. And I guess if you have to go that route, then it’s cool and all that. But for the rest of you gentlemen out there, I wish you the best of luck avoiding being hustled by a bitch.

No need to thank me. You know why I’m here.