>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf
May 17, 2006

Nathan: Would you have sex with an underage chick?
Luke: Does she look like Jessica Alba?

Nathan: For argument’s sake, let’s say she does.
I’d fuck a bag of Fritos if it looked like Jessica Alba.
Nathan: Fair enough.

Some of you may not know this, but in addition to writing a weekly column here on PIC, I also post at least four days a week on a blog called The Nate Way (and yes, I have a first job, a second job, and a girlfriend; please remember that, when my columns suck, it’s usually because my column is one of the few things I do that doesn’t make me money, along with my girlfriend and my drinking hobby). Anyway, on that blog, a reader named Leslie left me a comment asking me to write a column about what would qualify as my ideal woman.

After reading that comment, I thought, “Yes! One more week without thinking.”

Oh happy day.

Now, I don’t think Leslie meant for me to describe my ideal woman physically. And because beauty is in the eye of the beholder (huge tits), I wouldn’t think of trying to describe what my ideal woman would look like (long legs). I mean, there are so many types of women (tight ass), that trying to describe the perfect one would be nearly impossible (Jessica Alba). So, I will instead describe my version of the ideal woman in terms of the intellectual, the artistic, the emotional, and (most importantly) the sexual. After all, women are more than just physical vessels meant to please men. They are also emotional, intellectual, artistic, and sensual beings (meant to please men).

“I love all kinds of different positions, role playing, and angry sex, but I am an absolute sucker for a great blowjob.”

So, to reader Leslie, I say thanks for reading The Nate Way, and also, thanks for coming up with this week’s column. Making my life easier is the best thing anyone can do for me.

My ideal woman is smart. She’s so smart, in fact, that she’s smarter than me. Smart women are better in bed, more likely to hold decent conversations, and will never forget when, exactly, they need to get their asses home to make me dinner. I like a woman with an IQ at least over 140. It keeps me on my toes. I bore easily.

My ideal woman is not an emotional wreck. In fact, with the exception of caring just a little too much about children or animals (as every good woman should), my ideal woman is emotionally stable, completely responsible for her own actions, and not even slightly needy (I know, I know…but a man can dream).

My ideal woman is artistic. She can either play an instrument, paint, or read. I find art to be a beautiful thing, and mastery of it only increases how desperately I want to bone a chick.

My ideal woman is a nymphomaniac. For whatever reason, I always end up with chicks who are sexually insatiable. I love these kinds of women because they are so hard to please, they will hardly ever leave a man that gets them off and, because they are always horny, they make sure that I hardly ever am. Naturally, I love all kinds of different positions, role playing, and angry sex, but I am an absolute sucker for a great blowjob. There is nothing more ideal than a great blowjob.

Now, I hold these truths to be self-evident that the above outlines my ideal woman and (most likely) not yours. Some men like stupid, emotional, frigid bitches who lack artistic skill. That’s fine. To each their own and all that.

So Leslie, now you know what my ideal woman is like. She’s smart, sexual, creative, and not crazy. Now, please, tell me you think she could be out there.

‘Cause I’m pretty sure I’m dreaming.

More Like This

Comedy Courses