>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf
March 15, 2006
Macy: I used to think that Nathan would be my boyfriend forever. Oh well, things change.
Luke: Well, at least you can rest comfy in the knowledge that he’ll always be a dick.
Dave: Yeah. I guess some things don’t change.
Nathan would be my boyfriend forever. Oh well, things change.
When I was a small child, my football team packed up all of their gear and moved from the city of the giant parabola (St. Louis) to the middle of the Arizona desert. I cried like a newborn infant the day I found that out; I thought the Cardinals would be in my life forever. But, as their play so adequately proved, the football Cardinals were a bunch of punk bitches. Later in life, my parents got divorced. Though I didn’t cry, I was definitely saddened by the event. I thought they would be married forever. (I’m going somewhere with all this, I promise.) You see, in this day and age, with a lack of loyalty in the sports world, a lack of loyalty in the entertainment industries, a lack of loyalty in the corporate world, and a lack of loyalty in most households, there just ain’t that much for us, the American people’s Generation Whatever’s-the-Cool-Phrase-this-Week, to believe in anymore.
Fortunately for y’all (sing it with me now), I’m here to help. You see, I know that you folks (as I do) need something to believe in. You want something out there that, unlike God and Jesus, is tangible, easily proven, and so loyal and steady you can set your watch to it. So, in lieu of any religious conservatism, I have gotten together with the voices in my head to provide you with a list of the top ten things to believe in. All of these things are time-tested (meaning they’ve been around a while), rock solid vestibules into which you can pour all of your needs to believe. Much like the commandments, there are ten numbers on this list. You know what that means, don’t ya? That means it’s only March and I’ve already hit my list quota for 2006 here at Points in Case (motto: if it’s not plagiarized, we’ll take it—and we mean that).
Anyway, on to the top ten things left to believe in.
1. Steak Dinners
One of my many rules of life is as follows. If you’re ever arrested for any reason, and you end up spending a good chunk of time in holding or in general population, the first thing you need to do when you get out is grab an overpriced piece of angus. You see, it is mankind’s ability to kill and eat delicious cow that separates us from those stupid cultures that don’t even have can openers and shit. And no matter how poor America gets, I don’t think that’ll ever change. Believing in this is what separates me from the Kenyans. Well, that and my incredibly slow running speed.
Girls, quality blowjobs, and your ability to give them is the only reason I wake up every day. And you think I’m kidding.
Pez candy has been around forever. It has been immortalized in movies and eaten by your Granddad when he was a small child. It is timeless, tried, true and tasty. Respect it, and your life will be better.
Few inventions will outlast the television. It will be with us forever because people hate thinking. You probably already worship it anyway (though in truth, well, you are reading this…so that’s something), but I figured I’d point out that, because everyone has one, it makes a real handy false idol. Just thought you should know.
The oldest occupation in the world. It ain’t going anywhere. And you can count on that.
Though in the past alcohol has spent a few years taking crap from puritan groups, we all know it ain’t going anywhere anytime soon. So bow to the goodness. Unlike your dad, I can promise you that this stuff will be around for your whole life.
7. Coca Cola
Fuck it, right? I mean, this stuff ain’t going anywhere either. Even if they have to put drugs in it to keep us buying it.
8. The Olympics
No matter how little you care, no matter how little you watch, every four years, this stupid shit will pop up like a bad case of herpes (as opposed to that good case of herpes—you know…herpes plus?). You might as well have faith in it. I don’t think it’s going anywhere.
Our government learned long ago that war is what keeps them rich and keeps us in our place. Without war, we wouldn’t have all that much to be afraid of. You can bank on this shit too.
Every good, every service, every chunk of income, and every organization (except churches and nations) get taxed. Taxes are way more reliable an event than anything else on earth. Hell, even the presence of oxygen ain’t that reliable (see: Cleveland, Ohio).
As we struggle with the defining moments of our early adulthood, it is up to us to seek out and cling to those few things that we could expect to actually be around for us in the years to come. Unlike religion, marriage, or our local professional sports teams, some things will be around for years to come.
And those things deserve a little recognition and respect, because, quite frankly, not much else does.