>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf

January 31, 2007

Rocco: You want to hear about my dream?

My buddy Rocco told me about a dream he had the other day.

In that dream, he died and was sent up to heaven in some sort of elevator made from light (Rocco smokes pot). There, after he was checked in to his luxurious, amenity-filled mansion, a spirit appeared and introduced himself as Henry.

“Rocco,” Henry said, “congratulations on your death. Here, you get everything you desire and there are no consequences for your actions.”

Rocco didn’t believe Henry. And, just to make sure that Henry wasn’t lying, Rocco punched him in the face.

Henry took it like a man. He even smiled.

“You seem happy about taking that punch,” said Rocco.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” said Henry, “do you want me to act more hurt, maybe even fall down unconscious? Whatever you desire.”

“You don’t have to give me what I want this time. I can just play and not know the outcome… experience a little risk. “

“Naw, you’re cool,” said Rocco. “So uh, I can do whatever I want, here?”

Rocco spent the next chunk of his dream (he said it felt like a few months, but we all know how dreams are) killing whoever he wanted, fucking whoever he wanted, taking whatever he wanted, whenever and wherever he wanted. He said it was like being a character in a really cool, adult video game. I’m taking his word on that one.

When Rocco finished his guilt-free robbing, killing, and fucking spree, he decided to kick back at the mansion with a few beautiful women who did everything he told him.

After a while, he got bored and felt like a little competition. So he called out for Henry, who arrived in seconds.

“What can I help you with?” asked Henry.

“Well,” said Rocco, “I was wondering if there was a place we could go to play some pool. You know, play against some really great players?”

“Sure,” said Henry, “just tell me how many games you want to win. You can win them all if you like.”

“No, you don’t have to give me what I want this time. I can just play and not know the outcome. You know, experience a little risk, see what happens and all that. You follow me?”

“I’m sorry,” said Henry, “but here your entire surroundings are based on what you desire. That’s just how this works.”

“Well fuck,” said Rocco, “why can’t I change it?”

“Who are you to think you’d be allowed to change your own personal hell?” asked Henry.

And Rocco punched him in the face again. But, it didn’t feel nearly as good as the last time.