>>> Casual Misanthropy
By staff writer JD Rebello
July 11, 2004

In many ways I'm a lot like you. More attractive. A better dresser. Far superior writer and better honed humor skills. Probably better at growing facial hair. But aside from that, we're pretty much the same. And like you, I get a lot of email. All of the email that floods my Yahoo! Mail box daily is useful in its own way. You may think I'm not serious, but you'd be wrong. And never question me unless you want a boot up your ass. To prove it to you, I'm going to reach into my big hairy sack, way past the colorful language and metaphorical ecstasy you've come to expect and read you some of my mail.

Tue 06/07 12:38 p.m.
Huge Savings at EXPRESS MEN! Online Only!

Oh swell, now that poplin plaid flannel silk number I've had my eye on is easily affordable! Only $620 for a pair of boxers that say EXPRESS along the arse? That's practically stealing. What a great sale, and timely too, my wardrobe was becoming way too hetero!

Tue 06/07 1:47 p.m.
Get your universitie diplome now Easy!

What was I thinking? Here I am busting my hump to earn a Northeastern diplome (yeah, I thought it was diplomA, too, but apparently I was wrongg!) when I could just take this online course at the Online University of Anchorage and earn my diplome in six easy weeks. And with spelling and grammar like that, there's no way this could be a scam!

Tue 06/07 3:02 p.m.
Cheryl Bursard

Funny, I don't know a Cheryl Bursard, but I must if she's sending me email. She seems very lovely, even loading all sorts of weird programs onto my computer. Yeah, my Internet was moving way too fast, gave me a headache. Thanks, Cheryl. Hey, I'm having a party on the 27th, why don't you come? And bring Joe Virus, he's a good shit as well!

Tue 06/07 4:11 p.m.
eScamArtist

Sixty dollars for Windows XP? What an age we live in! I'm sure their customer service is top notch as well!

Tue 06/07 5:54 p.m.
Warbucks Approval

Wow, I've been pre-approved for an online credit card. All I have to do is send these nice folks all of my credit information and I've got myself a very useful piece of plastic. That's win/win! By the way, did you notice I just referenced the musical “ANNIE” in my column? Those EXPRESS boxers are working already!

Tue 06/07 7:23 p.m.
Are SMALL Breasts Keeping You From Enjoying Life?

You know, I thought it was something. Here I am, hideously hating my life, and all along, my small boobs were the reason! And, what's this? Do my eyes deceive me? Is that an offer for a pill that can give me big boobs? Amazing! A pill that can help me grow funbags! It's a miracle cure. I'm glad all these online companies are working diligently on pills for these ailments while annoyances such as cancer and AIDS go uncured. Makes perfect sense to me!

Tue 06/07 9:04 p.m.
SEXUALLY EXPLICIT – children/goats/bondage/ramming/whips/bisexual/cookies

Wow! What a turn on! Children and goats? It's a buffet of sexy! Just what I need right before work, lovely videos of children and goats locked in an unholy sexual embrace! God bless the Internet.

06/07 11:57 p.m.
POSTGAME ALERT FOR BOSTON RED SOX

I'm part of the Red Sox fan club so I typically get these: RED SOX LOST IN HORRIBLE FASHION—Nomar Garciaparra commits 5 errors, flips off Theo Epstein—Derek Jeter defies gravity to make catch—MLB umpires require Bernie Williams get FOUR strikes in order to record an out—Terry Francona misses 11th inning because he's in the clubhouse tickling a chicken and laughing hysterically—Joe Torre cures own prostate cancer—George Steinbrenner signs Jesus Christ at 7 years/$24 million—Dan Shaughnessy writes another piece of shit book.

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