Happy Sunday folks. We're going Hollywood this week at Casual Misanthropy, or as I like to call it, Laugh Central, with the worst movies ever made. Now, before we start, let me lay down the criteria for a movie to make this list.
1. It can't be one of those so-bad-it's-good movies that are truly awful, but are still worth watching for comic purposes. Movies like Top Gun, Point Break, Weekend at Bernie's or Showgirls need not apply. I'm talking movies that are so gratingly bad, that you want to jab your own eyes out, but only after you've raped and murdered the entire cast and crew of this dreck.
2. This is only a list based on movies that I've seen so please don't email me with “You forgot this movie…”.
3. A lot of the movies on this list are movies that people really like, which proves my point. Most people are idiots.
4. Not included on this is “The Lord of the Rings,” for two reasons. One, I've already written an article detailing my hatred of this movie. Two, as bad as that three-hour shitstorm was, it can't compare to the ten I've selected.
Now, on with the show. If you have to pee, do it now, because there is no intermission.
10. The Waterboy
We'll start off the list with the film that turned Adam Sandler from comic genius into complete shithead in one glorious masterstroke of stupidity. Is there anyone more overrated than Adam Sandler? Maybe Vin Diesel (more on him a little later). I mean, Sandler's made two great movies (Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore), two average movies (The Wedding Singer, Big Daddy), and an assload of stinkers (Eight Crazy Nights, Anger Management, Mr. Deeds, Bulletproof, Little Nicky). But this one was the worst, the lame story of a retard from the South (kind of redundant, I know) who gets to play for a college football team because he's all angry and can tackle like Warren Sapp on PCP. Let me give you an idea how unfunny this tripe is. Imagine reading the Canadian's column over and over for 90 minutes. It's that bad. Even the Fonz couldn't survive this mess.
Worst Part: Randy Quaid stroking his nipples.
An asteroid is going to hit Earth and our only hope is The Ex-Mr. Demi Moore and a crew of asswipes with lame, Text-Heavy-esque one-liners surrounded by lousy special effects and camerawork that could best be described as seizure-inducing. Even worse toward the end, the movie has to decide whether it'll be Bruce Willis or Ben Affleck who will die…and they picked Willis! Fucking Die Hard had to die! Imagine, if we had left Affleck to rot on the asteroid we wouldn't have to have dealt with Reindeer Games, Pearl Harbor, or Gigli! Just an awful, inexcusable movie.
Worst Part: Ben Affleck molesting Liv Tyler with animal crackers.
8. Batman and Robin
Hey, you already know how bad this movie is. The worst Arnold performance ever (and that's saying something), the grating one-liners (Mr. Freeze tells Batman to “cool off”…ho ho), the third-grade diorama-esque special effects, the blatant homosexual overtones, the Bat-suit containing pronounced nipples and asscrack, the overtly phallic Batmobile having everything but a fucking nutsack, the scene where Batman and Robin fight the New York Rangers, Chris O'Donnell's complete and utter inability to act. I'm sure the gay community wanted their own superhero, but why was it the Dark Knight who had to go down in flames (pun very much intended).
Worst Part: Batman giving someone a credit card with “Batman” on it, and saying, “I never leave the cave without it.”
7. Pretty Woman
A hooker (Julia Roberts, big-mouthed devil) falls in love with a client (Richard Gere, gerbil-fucker). Somehow girls find this insultingly inane Cinderella story wonderful, continuing proof that all girls are at least semi-retarded. Think about it, the movie is essentially saying that all girls are whores and all they need is the right man and a credit card to better themselves. Isn't this kind of self-defeating to the whole feminist movement? As far as I'm concerned, every girl that likes this movie should lose the right to vote. I don't have much else to say about this movie, so let's talk Julia Roberts, the so-called “America's Sweetheart”. People wonder why the rest of the world hates us. That's why! Julia Roberts is awful—painfully, cloyingly awful. Every movie she's ever made has sucked, except for Ocean's Eleven, and that's only because she's onscreen for about fourteen seconds. Quite honestly, I could have filled this bottom ten with all movies starring her. Don't think so? America's Sweethearts, Runaway Bride, Hook, The Mexican, Stepmom, My Best Friend's Wedding, I Love Trouble, Sleeping with the Enemy, Mary Reilly, Something to Talk About. Wow, that was easy. I didn't even mention Steel Magnolias and Erin Brockovich, another Julia shitfest which declared that all women needed was big jugs to be successful. And people wonder why we live in a male-dominated society.
Worst Part: Julia Roberts playing a goddamn hooker but not getting naked, because she's “above doing a nude scene.” Huh? Nobody's above bearing their junk, not least this bitch.
6. Patch Adams
Hooray, Robin Williams is a doctor who treats the terminally ill and does so by HAHAHAHAHA wearing a clown nose and HAHAHAHA wearing bedpans as shoes, and BWAHAHAHAHAHA sneaking into the terminally ill ward to help patients when he isn't even a certified doctor. Yeah, it's based on a true story, but there's no way the real Patch Adams was like this because someone would have sliced his nuts off and left him dangling from a water pipe with his own stethoscope. If I had cancer, and my doctor came in wearing bedpans as shoes, I'd switch HMOs pretty fucking fast.
Worst Part: Lots to choose from, all the sick kids showing up at Patch's court date wearing red clown noses (shouldn't they be in bed?), the gross spaghetti scene, the room full of balloons, but I'm going to go with killing off Monica Potter, because she's wicked hot and then we're treated to a phenomenally puss scene where a butterfly flies by Patch and he gains perspective or some shit. Awful. I hope Robin Williams gets cancer so I can laugh at him.
Let me tell you a story. One night, I was incredibly sick and immobile with a 102 degree fever and lying in bed, flipping through the channels as I came across Grease, when suddenly the batteries flew out of my remote and I was stuck watching this garbage for two hours. Afterwards, I started pondering my own life and how maybe I'd be happier if I, too, was queer. Then the meds kicked in, and I passed out. Listen, we all know musicals are gay, and if you don't, well, I'm telling you:Musicals are gay! But Grease achieves a kind of gay transcendence. I don't know what it is: Travolta's tight pants, the whiny, incoherent songs, the Pink Ladies phenomenon, the weakest race sequence ever filmed, the lame 50's backdrop, the overabundance of hair gel. Whatever it is, Grease could have made the Duke queer.
Worst Part: Anytime anyone in this movie sings. Who sings?
4. The Fast and the Furious
When I drove home after seeing this movie, I was doing 114 MPH through a residential neighborhood. I couldn't tell if it was because the movie motivated me, or if I was hoping I'd hit a telephone pole and never have to remember seeing this garbage. A lot of people tell me this is a great movie because the cars are cool. Are you kidding me? I like cars. If I owned a Honda Civic, I'd probably Puerto Rico it up too, but if I wanted to see cool cars, I'd go to a goddamn auto show. I wouldn't sit through two hours of Paul Walker and Vin Diesel involved in some kind of alpha-male circle jerk.
Worst Part: Vin Diesel saying: “I live my life a quarter-mile at a time.” Now there's a yearbook quote.
Ghetto people love this movie, because “Shit man, it's the fuckin' truth!” Give me a goddamn break. KIDS is the story of a bunch of hood rats who do drugs and get AIDS. But because ghetto people are retarded and can't understand concepts like “the moral of the story,” they think the movie is phat and glamorizes the lifestyle. These are the same tools who wanted to be like Scarface. Did they miss the last half hour of that film or something? It wasn't exactly the feel-good movie of 1983. Still, while Scarface was great, KIDS is just a terrible movie, and everyone involved deserves AIDS.
Worst part: Anytime the nymphomaniac main character talks, with that white-kid-trying-to-sound-black dialect which should be banned from this country.
2. Dirty Dancing
Let me take a breath. Okay. Rich girl goes to the Catskills. Blatantly homosexual waiter teachers her to dance. No one dies. Audience cries. The soundtrack for this makes Grease's sound like Nirvana by comparison. There are so so so so many bad scenes in this movie, it's like a collection of the most annoying moments in movie history thrown into a shamelessly predictable story with the shit-corniest dialogue I've ever heard. And can someone explain to me why a movie set in the 60's has an 80's soundtrack? Absolutely retarded. Nobody puts Justin in the corner. (This movie got bumped up on the list because my aunt and mom wanted to do awful things to Black Dog in the late 80's and I was subjected to this movie about 58,724 times.)
Worst Part: The “Hungry Eyes” dance montage, Baby's appalling nose.
The worst of the worst. That rare movie that combines ghetto stupidity with filmmaking of the very worst order. I hate this movie with an absolute Passion of the Christ, not least because my friends in junior high all wanted desperately to be black and forced me to watch this garbage. Hype Williams (the Spielberg of BET) directed this garbage starring Nas and DMX. DMX has a pretty decent film career, and is a good actor. Nas is to acting what Derek Jeter is to heterosexuality. He burns up the screen with one of the worst performances ever. Forever ever? Forever ever ever. Yes, I hate you now, and you can't be what you wanna be. Sorry, I'm not above a pun or six. I'd like to tell you what the movie's about. But I honestly have no idea. The movie jumps around from plot point to plot point like a Special Olympics hurdler. Something about heroin you don't have to inject and lots of blacklights and shit. Somehow, T-Boz, the less talented of the still-living TLC, is involved. The soundtrack is even worse, with a shitload of B-sides from normally decent rappers who must have tried some of that heroin before they hit the recording studio.
Worst Part: Nas spending the last half hour pontificating about how badly he wants to go to Africa. I'd like to watch this movie with a Klansman just to get his reaction.
11. I Still Know What You Did Last Summer – The sequel to a very average horror movie that's wildly predictable, never once scary, and about as well-acted as a kindergarten performance of Hamlet.
Worst Part: Brandy. Nuff said.
12. Black Knight – Oh. He's black, and he goes to medieval times, and he speaks ghetto slang to all the people. Great concept, here's a cookie.
Worst Part: Didn't kill Martin Lawrence.
13. Speed 2: Cruise Control – It's called “Speed.” And it takes place on a cruise ship. What? Probably the most illogical movie ever made. Sandra Bullock sucks my ass.
Worst Part: The Jamaican guy's wife at the end. It's like her and Bullock are trying to one-up each other on who can be more annoying. She wins. The audience loses.
14. A Knight's Tale – Heath Ledger jousting. I don't even have a joke here. The movie tried to be hip and cool by adding a modern soundtrack, but the end result was like a castrated Braveheart.
Worst Part: The flower speech, with all the lame-ass innuendos. Here's a sample:
Heath: “A flower is good for nothing.”
Shannyn: “Oh really?”
Heath: “You can't eat a flower. A flower doesn't keep you warm.”
Nice job Heath, thanks for ruining The Patriot.
15. Chicago – Just kidding, I didn't see it. But some things you can just tell.
Update: The Ten Worst Movies Since 2004