>>> Casual Misanthropy
By staff writer JD Rebello
April 10, 2005

First off, sorry for the lack of column last week. Here's what happened. I wrote a 700-word baseball preview using quotes from “Old School.” Great stuff. Best thing I've written in a while. So I go to send it, and get an error message. Column gone. Justin pissed. After I crawled back off the ledge, I just decided against another column. So, yeah sorry.

Second off, I've received over a hundred Facebook friend requests since my last column. And really, I'm flattered. But I'll level with you. I'm pretty much only confirming hot girls. Dudes and ugly chicks need not apply. And if you're a hot girl asking to be my friend, skin is in this year. One girl sent me a pic of her in a bikini, another dancing around her room in her underwear. That's how it gets done. I don't need to see you skiing with your auntie or petting your dog, unless it's a particularly cute dog. Get it? Got it? Good. Okay, on with the show.

“A romantic comedy like this is dangerous. This has the potential to be the most damaging movie to a group of people since ‘The Passion.'”

As a diehard Red Sox fan, it's been a busy week in the Nation. The Sox have kicked off the season against the Devil's Bitches. Mariano Rivera blew two saves (bittersweet for me, as he's on my fantasy team). And finally, the release of the new Farrelly Brothers movie “Fever Pitch” about a diehard Red Sox fan and the woman who tries to tame him. Here's what I think about this film:

Sucked. Worst movie ever made.

Okay, let me give you the premise. Jimmy Fallon is an obsessed Red Sox fan. Drew Barrymore is a shrew turning 30 (or 20-10 as she claims) who falls for him, but hates his obsession. The film follows them through the 2004 season.

Let's start with the cast. Jimmy Fallon? Okay, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. His sketch on SNL with him as a Red Sox fan was funny and brought the term “Nomah” to the national front. But this guy has really gone sour on me. He couldn't get through a single sketch without cracking up, he was essentially a low grade Adam Sandler, and he's making shithead action movies with Queen Latifah (probably the most unlikable actress ever). Not only that, but he's a New Yorker, and, AND he claims he's not a sports fan. Well, then what the fuck? I understand he's just an actor taking a role, but you know this role has a chance to resonate with a great deal of people and you're going to start off by offending all of them? You wouldn't ask Morgan Freeman to play a Klansman, would you?

Then there's Drew Barrymore, an actress who a) isn't even hot, and b) isn't even talented. Am I the only one who liked her more when she was a skanky coke fiend? Have you ever seen “Never Been Kissed”? Well, you'd know if you had, because it is one of the most half-ass pointless movies ever. And every girl loves it! It's inexplicable. Have you ever taken a look at some of the DVD libraries that girls in college have accumulated? They're horrendous. And I'm supposed to believe that girls mature faster than guys? Right, here's an entire gender of people keeping Heath Ledger's career afloat. Makes me sick. Back to Drew, what's with her? She looks like a bloated drowning victim. And she sounds like she choked on a marshmallow, and she's always about a half step away from crying. So she gets cast as the lead in a comedy. Great.

On to the Farrelly Brothers. What happened here? The streak they were riding for hit comedies was unprecedented. Dumb and Dumber, Kingpin, Mary, Irene. Even “Outside Providence” was a cult classic (and a personal favorite of mine). Since then, they've castrated all the comedy out of their films like a drunken rabbi with hedge clippers. I honestly can't believe it. Shallow Hal, Stuck on You? These were potential comedy giants! Especially “Stuck.” A comedy about Siamese twins. How does that miss? Honestly, how the fucking fuck does that miss? That movie was a 90-minute dead zone. Seriously, the Christian right could have made a funny movie about Siamese twins. I can't get over this.

So what happened? They went soft. What distinguished the Farrelly Brothers was that they mocked retards, but it was all in good fun, because tards always got roles in their films. Fine. But then, somewhere along the line, they went after-school special happy and every movie brought in “Love Thy Neighbor” in lieu of actual laughs. I'll tell you what, from now on, instead of me swearing in my columns, I'll post ads for breast cancer walks and the Shoah Foundation. Would you still want to be my Facebook friend then? Not bloody likely.

Now along comes “Fever Pitch” and, wow. Drew Barrymore gets hit in the face with a foul ball, and drops some chick climbing a wall. What happened to the jizz in the hair? Or the dead parrot? Or the dead cow? Or the electrocuted dog? Or the old lady who eats banana splits after sex? That was funny. Did they use up all their jokes? I don't get it.

Now, as for the story. Ugh. First of all, what is wrong with being a diehard sports fan? I am a huge Sox fan. A huge Pats fan. I've been taking anti-depressants since the hockey lockout started, and have actually lost sleep over my fantasy baseball team. (Again, I blame Mariano.) Still, I know the difference. I know that there are more important things. And I'm aware there are others who don't. But a movie like this is dangerous. It's a romantic comedy, so couples everywhere are going to see it, and women are going to get those crazy thoughts that maybe men shouldn't follow sports. This has the potential to be the most damaging movie to a group of people since “The Passion.”

And why does it have to be Red Sox fans? I'm so sick off all the movies, books, documentaries, songs, and whatever that I've had to deal with since the World Series. Believe me, I'm ecstatic they won. But, I'm sick of some jackoff from California claiming he's a huge Sox fan. And where was this whole Red Sox Nation before 2003? I don't remember much during all the years when they were also-rans. In fact, the only use of the Red Sox in mainstream cinema that I recall is the brilliant Carlton Fisk scene in “Good Will Hunting.” That's it. For those of you outside New England who hate Red Sox fans. Please, let me assure you, a majority of the Sox fans you've met aren't for real. The jerkoff sipping Starbucks in a “Cowboy Up” T-shirt is not a real Sox fan. You're just going to have to trust me on this.

So would I hate this movie as much if it were about the Cubs? Or Dodgers? I don't know. Because they didn't make it about the Cubs or Dodgers. They made it about the Red Sox. They made a shitty movie that has disrespected an entire fan base. Even the filming of the movie was disrespectful, running out onto the field after the World Series. How did that happen? How was that allowed? It's by far the most inexcusable sequence ever filmed, and the only way I would ever forgive this is if Peter and Bobby Farrelly are drawn and quartered during the director's commentary when this scene is played on DVD. This is the worst movie of this or any year, and I implore anyone with any rationale to avoid it with every fiber of their being. By the way, I haven't actually seen it yet, but you get the idea.