>>> Casual Misanthropy
By staff writer JD Rebello
November 2, 2003

Girls, girls, girls. It is the greatest mystery of all time!

Where is Jimmy Hoffa? Simple.

Who killed JFK? Easy as Pie.

Is there a God? What is this? Elementary School??

The great mystery of the universe is, of course, why the hell do girls behave the way they do? Hoping to shed some light on the subject, I present 36 questions. I hope some girls out there feel free to answer at least a couple, and maybe, just maybe, this world will make a
little more sense.

1. If size doesn't matter, how come you never see supermodels with midgets?

2. Why does there always have to be talking? Silence is golden, and girls like gold, or so I thought.

3. Does a guy have to be a dick for you to like him, or does it just work out that way?

4. Why would you want an engagement ring? Wouldn't you rather have an engagement surround sound system?

5. Why do girls pick baby names constantly, but refuse to have sex? Isn't this counter-productive?

6. If this is really the era of the independent woman, why does the guy still pay for everything?

7. Why is it wrong for a guy to say the C-word, but “dick” gets thrown around like it's nothing?

8. How come women actually fought against not having to work? Do you realize how many guys would take that in a second?

9. It's simple. You get four plays to go ten yards, 7 points for a touchdown, 3 for a field goal (kick), barring penalites and intangibles. What's the problem?

10. If Lifetime is “television for women”, why are all the movies on there about women getting beat?

11. Why won't a girl ever make the first move? (Come on ladies, take charge.)

12. Women spend upwards of $5,000 on their wedding dress. Men spend $75 on a tux. Did you girls, uh, miss an economics class somewhere?

13. There is a HUGE difference between bass and treble. Not a question, but ladies, take note.

14. Why can't it just ever be yes or no? Why must we always be subjected to “I'll Think About It”?

15. Does the period really last 5-7 days? I have a theory it lasts about a half hour, or the duration of a nosebleed. Girls just stretch it out for days so they have a medical excuse to be a pain in the ass. Nobody can bleed that long.

16. How can girls possibly have a bad relationship with daddy? Did dad ever wake you up at 6:30 am on a Saturday to help fix the damn pool?

17. What is so hard to understand about the words: “Just a sec, honey, the game's almost over”?

18. If you ask a guy what he's thinking, why can't “Nothing” ever be a suitable response? Most likely, it really IS nothing we are thinking, along with, “Why won't this girl be quiet for 5 seconds?”

19. How can you possibly not appreciate the humor of the The Three Stooges?

20. Why must you make us guess why you're mad at us? That's like trying to do the advanced math section of the SAT while getting a full rectal exam.

21. How can you possibly spend $30 on underwear? I spend 7 bucks for a 3-pack of boxers. Again, girls: counter-productive.

22. How do you fit all of that stuff into your purse? Seriously, I've seen girls with lipstick, makeup, a wallet, a crocheting kit, a first aid kit, a functional landmine, and a Soviet tank in a tiny little shitbag from Nine West.

23. How come girls get mad if you ask them to bake a pie or mop the floor but as soon as an engine needs fixing, the guy has to go to work?

24. Explain to me how fighting off hundreds of yokels and spending untold amounts of dollars for overpriced goods all day is considered “relaxing.”

25. Girls always say guys think with their penis, but don't girls think with their vagina? Yeah, I'm sure every girl loves A Knight's Tale because of its rousing (and historically accurate) storyline.

26. Why is it that when I'm at CVS and the woman in front of me gets her change back, she spends several minutes placing it back in its rightful place in her purse (right near the tank), and won't move over so I can go up and pay and go about my day? Stop holding up the

27. Where do hot girls go all winter?

28. Why do hot girls walk really fast?

29. Why do girls like those reality dating shows when they always portray the women as the dumbest bunch of skanks in the world?

30. Why do women dress to “impress other girls”? I've been told this. Why? Unless you're a lesbian, what do you give a shit what other girls think about your appearance? I've never considered buying a shirt and then stopped to think, “Hmm will my guy friends like this?” And moreover, stop criticizing what every other girl is wearing. Life isn't a fashion show. Thank you.

31. Do girls realize that all of those Hugh Grant-Julia Roberts-Sandra Bullock romantic comedies are all the same exact movie?

32. Why the hell would you spend $70 on a bathing suit? To impress other girls?

33. And why spend $50 on underwear, especially if you're a prude? That's like buying a Mercedes that you're just going to leave in the garage forever.

34. What is with these 1980's racing shades that you pass off as real sunglasses? Are girls solar-powered?

35. What happens to intentionally-faded jeans once they get worn out?

36. Why do girls feel the need to “not eat for a month”? Eating's not the problem. If you did more exercise than lifting the remote to watch Lifetime's “Why Men Suck III”, maybe you wouldn't have the extra coal in the caboose. And if you do have a little extra junk in the trunk, just find a nice black man. You don't need Dr. Atkins, you need Sir. Mix-a-Lot. Problem solved, now have some more pie.

Disclaimer: By reading the above, you have waived your right to fill my mailbox with feminist diatribes and death threats. I'm just jokin' ladies, y'all know I love ya!