>>> Against Your Will
By staff writer John Marcher
October 22, 2007

This time next week at college campuses around the country, students will be preparing for the annual Halloween celebrations that have become part and participle to college life. At its worst, Halloween is just another excuse to party. At its best however, Halloween becomes the ultimate showcase for the delicate female psyche.

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What you're probably expecting at this point is for me to launch off into some lengthy (and consequently eloquent) diatribe about the perilous fate of women and their role in Halloween celebrations. Unfortunately, this topic has been beat to death more than Gaudio’s mother’s labia. Besides, we can all agree that deep down inside, women are all whores, and Halloween is just an excuse for women to be themselves for a night. So with that said, I have attempted to focus my immense mental acumen on determining what a girl’s costume can tell you about how she is in the sack.

“Couples outfits are no man’s land, unless you like sword fighting.”

Let's begin by defining the parameters of this intensive scientific study. I have heard on multiple occasions that a woman’s chances of getting hit on are curtailed by the attire she wears. For example, you have a higher chance of taking advantage of a woman in a skirt than a woman in jeans. Let's take this a step further though. If the previous strand of logic holds true, then you have a higher chance of fucking a woman in a promiscuous schoolgirl outfit than a girl dressed as a princess. This is because, much like a skirt provides easier access to the region in question than does a pair of jeans, you have a better chance of fucking an actual schoolgirl than say, the Princess of Wales.

Furthermore, the amount of skin visible, expressed as a percentage of total skin surface area, is directly connected to a girl’s level of fuckability. With that in mind, a girl dressed as a sexy Pilgrim is much more sexually viable than a girl dressed as a Catholic nun, but oddly enough is nearly equivalent to that of a girl dressed as a slutty Pocahontas. Closely related to this principle, any girl wearing spandex where they could be showing skin isn't putting out, unless you've already hit it.

Couples outfits are no man’s land, unless you like sword fighting. Group outfits however, are the ultimate prize. Scientists in my native land of Sweden have concluded that if a man is able to fornicate with a girl who came dressed in coordination with other girls (examples: cheerleaders, school girls, Victoria’s Secret Angels), the chances of an orgy breaking out increase a staggering 400%. Oddly enough, the group costume that increases these chances the most is the Fruit of the Loom lineup.

Any girl who neglects to wear a slutty costume, for say, comedic or religious reasons, is still a whore…she just isn't confident enough in her body image to keep up with her similarly slutty counterparts. The exception to this rule: any fat girl with boobs on her back.

Overall, with these tools of the trade in mind, you should quickly be able to disseminate each girl’s relative level of sexual promiscuity at whatever Halloween party you attend. I challenge any one of my readers to utilize these rules to achieve orgasmic bliss come the witching hour on October 31st.

Furthermore, as my reader base is both highly motivated and well read, I have developed a point system to determine the ultimate winner:

100 pts to anyone who bangs a girl dressed as Amy Winehouse, simply ‘cause that bitch is ugly.

250 pts to anyone who has sex with a girl whose costume matches theirs (i.e. a priest with a nun, a cowboy with a native American or cowgirl, a sumo wrestler with a Taiwanese whore).

500 pts to anyone who achieves an orgy with all five ring holders and Captain Planet.

750 pts to anyone who has sex with a girl in a gorilla costume (50 pts extra if you can implement the bushel of bananas, 300 more if it's the girl I was talking about earlier with boobs on her back).

Bonus points:

1000 pts for anyone who has sex with a character that is their costume’s enemy (i.e. a police officer with a criminal, Venom and Mary Jane, Bowser and Princess Peach).

200 pts for every time you can get a girl to speak in her character’s voice/dialect during sex.

Point tallies can be sent to [email protected].

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