Nathan: Dave, do you have a favorite serial killer?
Dave: Get out of my bar.

All right, way too many of you people have been arrested for murder lately and I’m starting to get a little pissed off. If this generation is gonna have a chance in hell of surviving in today’s brutal DNA-evidence-laden world, we’re gonna need to learn from the mistakes of Generation Manson and actually pull off a murder or three without leaving an evidence trail so obvious that Chief Wiggum could find us in the dark with an uncomfortable chunk of a frozen Mickey Mouse figurine wedged in his largest orifice and a pastrami sandwich in his pig-hoof-like hand.

I’m sick of all this idiocy. People have been murdering people for tens of thousands of years and we don’t know how to do it by now? There’s no reason to get caught here, people. If you want to get away with murder, just follow these four rules.

Rule #1: Choose your victims wisely.

The Green River Killer managed to kill, like, eighty people without getting caught (until he turned himself in) simply because he followed this rule to a tee. His victims were all prostitutes and prostitutes all fall into the Preferred Victim category for the following reasons: they are easy to abduct and lure into poorly-lit areas, they can be gone for more than a few days before anyone bothers to report them missing, and they are typically light and easy to carry. The Green River Killer also followed Rule 2 as well.

Rule #2: Choose your burial sites wisely.

Outline of a car in chalk

I live in Florida, and there is no end to quality places to dump bodies around here. There are oceans, estuaries, rivers, and even the freaking Everglades, where a plane once crashed carrying 73 people and not even a tooth was found after the search. And yet still, week after week, I read about bodies turning up in parks, trunks of cars, even beneath houses. For crying out loud people, use the land that God gave you. Make that body disappear. No body, no murder. Really, how hard is this?

Rule #3: After using the weapon, destroy it.

This is the rule that the dumbass crackheads always ignore. They think that they shouldn’t destroy the gun with which they killed their brother (so they could rob him and buy crack) because they can pawn it or sell it on the streets (so they can buy crack). After the murder is committed, the weapon is a major liability. Anyone who hangs on to a $500 gun rather than risk the beauties of freedom is an idiot. Please, don’t be that idiot. Anything worth doing is worth doing right.

Rule #4: Don’t have a typical motive.

Only murder people you barely know for reasons no one can understand. Is there absolutely no reason for you to murder the check-out clerk at the grocery mart? If yes, then she’s your gal. Don’t murder people who make you mad or inflict pain upon you. Let them live long lives—believe me, it’s the best form of revenge.

And that about wraps it up there people. Remember, murder is like anything else in life. It’s not very difficult, but it has to be done just right or you’ll end up in jail.

Continue to “How to Be a Drug Dealer” »
Continue to “How to Rob a House” »