Today's hottest accessory isn't an African baby, a DJ lesbian lover, or even a giant ass. If you want to roll with the in crowd, then you need to grab a hold of summer's most fashionable item: a creepy father!! Why just look, Brook Hogan's got one, Jessica and Ashlee Simpson pioneered the creepy father trend, and red-hot jailbait sensation, Miley Cyrus, has one, complete with a mullet and flavor savor that lets everyone know, without a word, "I'm creepy."
Let's examine their behavior, starting at least creepy.
Billy Ray Cyrus, father of Miley Cyrus
Brooke Hogan is in a bikini when The Hulk starts rubbing sunscreen on her upper thigh.Billy Ray's creepiest offense was posing for that Vanity Fair picture. The cuddling, the hand holding, it's all too pervy for my innocent eyes. I would even venture to guess that his hand is resting on her teen boob. But this is Billy Ray's only pervert offense. His normal offenses are as follows: using his daughter like a draft horse to pull in giant sums of money, sprouting unsightly facial hair atrocities, and allowing his testes to bulge out of exceptionally snug Wranglers.
Mid-Creepy (a very close runner-up to Most Creepy)
Joe Simpson aka "Papa Joe" (barf), father of Jessica and Ashlee Simpson
Joe Simpson has a hefty resume of creepy offenses including: Calling Jessica "undeniably sexy," discussing Jessica's jugs repeatedly, staring at Ashlee's jugs, and excessively discussing Jessica's sex life by saying things like, "She's married, now she can bang away!" This ex-preacher and grade A fartsucker doesn't bother to hide his crush on Jessica anymore. He even directs sexy photo shoots with Jessica lying in silk sheets with a bottle of KY on the nightstand. What would Jesus think?
Hulk Hogan, father of Brooke Hogan
Joe Simpson may take the cake when it comes to saying creepy things, but it's the Hulk who commits heinous acts of creepiness to his daughter, Brooke, like, oh, I don't know…. RUBBING SUNSCREEN IN HER ASS CRACK!!! If you haven't seen the photos I'm referring to, stop whatever you are doing and Google "Brooke Hulk Sunscreen." What appears on the screen will shake you to your very core. Brooke is in a bikini, lying face down on a chaise lounge, when The Hulk starts rubbing sunscreen on her upper thigh, then on the ass cheek, and then IN THE ASS CRACK!! Since when is a sunburn worse that an ass massage from your father?? I'll take the crispy fried ass cheeks any day.
When you watch Hogan Knows Best, there is no denying that Hulk is harboring a secret crush on his daughter. There are far too many shoulder rubs going on in that house and I know "fuck me" eyes when I see them – not that I see them often. The Hulk forbade Brooke from dating until she's 65 and tries to murder any young man who sniffs around the house looking for a date. Meanwhile, his son (who's younger) gets to go willy nilly driving into trees like Redclam Lohan. When the Hulk divorced his wife, Linda, and the cruel rules of society prevented him from dating Brooke, he went out and found himself a Brooke look-a-like to frolic with in the sea.
In each case the daughter seems oblivious to the inappropriateness, but maybe they're just paralyzed with embarrassment and try to ignore it. Although when Ashlee Simpson was traumatized by “Papa Joe’s” behavior, she ran off and married a gay man. If these three perverts could move to the moon and start special-needs inbred families with their daughters, they would do it faster than you can say "Hulk's melanoma schlong!"
Honorable Mention Creeps
Woody Allen – Ultimate creepy father/husband of yesteryear who paved the way for today's creepy fathers.
Angelina Jolie – Creepy Sister who dresses like Alice Cooper, rapes brother's face in front of TV cameras, then wonders why people think she's a weirdo.
John Voight – Creepy father who dramatically sobs and declares his daughter criminally insane on national television and then wonders why she doesn't want to hang out.
Larry Birkhead – Freak of nature father who bought Anna's Nicole Smith's $3,000 soiled lingerie at an auction for his baby daughter to sniff when she gets older.