As I was walking through the University Center today, I walked past two strollers, unguarded, outside of the university store.

I thought to myself…I could steal those babies.

I could steal those babies and we could go play in the sunshine and dance together and have a picnic and make fun of each other and all the other things friends do (…right?).

Stroller two kidsBut then I thought–no. It would probably just be like all those other times. I'll steal the baby, poke it for a couple of days and then toss it in the box with all the other babies I've stolen and they'll just sit there. Then MAYBE a couple of years later I'll drop them in the submission dumpster at the local thrift store or try to sell them at someone else's rummage sale or just walk the city streets asking if anyone wants to buy a baby.

This time will be different though. I'm a changed man. I don't steal babies from people anymore unless I'm going to be friends with them for LIFE.

And not only that, I am going to go see what's up with those babies I tossed so uncaringly aside into that box in the corner of my room. I'm going to see what's going on in their lives, what's new, how they're doing. It's not going to be about me anymore.

The first thing I noticed was the smell. It hit me like a ton of dead babies. It wafted into my nostrils as soon as I walked into my room. Then I noticed the ugliness. These babies had all shriveled up and were brown and had spots all over them. Had they aged that quickly? Were they already old as fuck?

Listen, sweetie, I've had sex with a lot of babies, some of them alive, some of them dead. "What's up, baby(s)?"

They didn't answer.

"Listen, if you guys are mad at me, just get over it. I know I neglected you there for a few months, but I'm here now and that's all that matters. I'm a changed man. Well…I'm a man, and I changed clothes…which is more than you can say about you guys. P.S. Take a shower once in a while, huh?"

Still nothing.

"You babies are dicks. Fuck you, alright? I'm a new man. I'm born again. I'm just full of life! I feel like I have two lives….like a cat. You babies barely have one."

I threw the first couple babies aside. Too ugly. Too small. Then out of nowhere a full-grown baby popped out. "AHHHH!!" I screamed out in surprise. The man grabbed my shirt with both hands and started shaking me. "Foood," he said in a shaky, scared but urgent voice. "F…o…o…d."

"Alright, baby, chill. I'm making some steak and potatoes tonight."

"No," he said. "McDonald's."


"The Dollar Menu."

"Are you fucking insane?" I wanted to tell this full-grown man baby that McDonald's was exactly what was wrong with America, but he wouldn't understand. He was just a baby, not yet a man. Although he was as big as a normal male.

"So what's your name?"

"I don't fucking know. I've been living in that box since I was a baby. I don't even know how I know how to speak English."

"Hmmmmm….let's call you Billy Jenkinsworth."

"That's Dr. William Jenkinsworth to you." He shook me hard.

"How did you become a doctor while living in a box in my room?"

Strollers lined up
The singles scene is bumpin' at a local shopping mall.
"There's a lot of things you don't know about me."

He just kept shaking me. We were really close, and at first it was awkward. He just stared deep into my eyes. His eyes were empty, glassy…like a zombie. Eventually we just started making out. It was inevitable, I guess. And we talked for a while. We talked for a long time after sex.

"I have to ask you something," I said as I twirled my hair.

"What," he said, more like a statement than a question.

"You felt warm…like someone had just been inside of you."

"Yeah…so what?"

"Well, what I'm trying to say I guess is, did one of those other babies in the box just have sex with you. Did a baby penetrate you?"

"Yeah, what of it?"

"I just…I just thought I'd be your first…that's all."

"You think I was tossed in a box yesterday?" he retorted.


"Do you know how long I've been living and dying in that box?"

"No…not exactly."

"Listen, sweetie, I've had sex with a lot of babies, some of them alive, some of them dead. But they're all dead now. And that's all there is to it."

He looked away, and I swear I could see a liquid in his eyes. Was he about to cry? What a baby.

He was a baby fucker. And those are the worst kinds of people, behind accountants (long story). Anyway, the next day I decided I couldn't be with a baby fucker. I put him back in the box with all the other babies and then put the box in my trash. The garbage people came the next day and I never saw Dr. William Jenkinsworth again. But sometimes, on those cold, lonely nights, I go to McDonald's and buy everything on the Dollar Menu.

And then I throw it out because I fucking hate McDonald's.