Everywhere, everyone is high-fiving, all the time. All the jocks and popular kids who used to make fun of you in high school are all in a room somewhere right now, high-fiving each other. Someone is high-fiving someone else on top of Mount Everest right now. And they're both naked.

Girl high-fiving people in a school busPeople are double-high-fiving while one of them is driving, the car going off a cliff because the driver's hands aren't on the wheel, they're busy high-fiving. It was worth it. The driver and passenger are still high-fiving one another as the car plunges and they die a fiery death.

Blind people are high-fiving one another, and high-fiving their seeing-eye dogs. Jerry Seinfeld is high-fiving his wife's vagina with a $500 bill (yeah, they still make those) while watching reruns of Seinfeld and laughing at his own jokes.

Someone somewhere is jumping up and down with great effort, trying to high-five Shaq, but Shaq is too tall, so instead Shaq leans down and gives me a kiss on the top of the head.

Two circus performers are high-fiving one another while each juggling 5 balls, 2 babies, and a stove.

Barack Obama is metaphorically high-fiving every black person in the U.S. Someone somewhere is high-fiving Michael Phelps while they both hit separate bongs, and then Michael leaves one of his medals at your house since he's so high. Before he leaves, you ask him if he wants to go swimming, and he goes "nah, bro."

Sometimes I stare at myself in the mirror and slowly bring my hand up and high-five my reflection, whispering "I'm sorry" over and over while tears stream down my face.

But I have dreams. Someday I hope to high-five Lebron James while I'm dunking over him, coming down just as the buzzer goes off, winning the game. That, my friends, is a buzzer-beater.

Someone's high-fiving their doctor while holding up a freshly delivered baby triumphantly a la Disney's The Lion King. Have you seen it? Oh, man, you gotta see it. It's so good. How have you not seen it?

Barack Obama is metaphorically high-fiving every black person in the U.S. while banging Nancy Pelosi doggy-style. He doesn't enjoy it, in fact he almost throws up during it, because let's face it, Nancy Pelosi, she's not, how do I put this: good-looking, but he has to show her who's boss. Plus it gives him the opportunity to make horrible "stimulus package" sexual puns.

One day I hope to high-five a crowd of people all standing on ladders while coming down from a world-record pole vault. I guess there's just something about falling from high up on purpose and high-fiving people on the way down that just makes my heart tingle.

Someday maybe you will get to high-five, yes? Hopefully it lies in the future for you. I don't know, go for it! Maybe someday you can high-five the prom queen at your high school reunion while you beat up a jock for calling you "Petey" one time instead of your god damn actual name, "Pete." Those asshole jocks.

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