Unless you've been busy leading a revolution in the Middle East all week, you've probably heard about Charlie Sheen. After being accused by his co-workers of coming to work stoned, and sometimes not at all, Charlie inexplicably lashed out at them for making him look unstable. He followed that up by unleashing the most quote-worthy round of interviews known to man and then topped it all off by passing his drug test.

I feel that everyone's life needs a little excitement, so I've created this simple cheat sheet to help you "go Sheen" on life's obstacles (on a mercury surfboard). You see, there's "going ham" (hard as a muthafucka) and then there's "going Sheen" (so hard everybody's excited now). If there's one thing we can learn from this brave man, it's that we should grab life by the balls whenever it decides to teabag us… and that we're all winners.

"Every day is just filled with just wins. All we do is put wins in the record books. We win so radically in our underwear before our first cup of coffee, it's scary." -Charlie Sheen

Charlie Sheen with his girlfriends

You Have an Important Job Interview

What You Should Do:

Brush your teeth, print off an extra copy of your resume, and put on a freshly pressed shirt. Arrive to the meeting 15 minutes early and decline any beverages you are offered. Be respectful during the interview process and ask plenty of questions to prove your interest. Before leaving, offer to stay in touch—it shows that you care.

Going Sheen:

Show up in an expensive 3-piece suit and sit in your future boss's chair. When he says something—anything—punch him in the neck and walk away. If he doesn't say "you're hired" by the time you've walked out of the room, piss on his secretary's desk before leaving.

"One of their stupid mottos is, ‘Don't be special, be one of us.' NEWSFLASH: I am special and I will NEVER be one of you." -Charlie Sheen

Your House is Getting Burglarized

What You Should Do:

Barricade the bedroom door and call 911 with your cell phone. Try to identify the burglar by writing down the license plate of his car. When the authorities arrive, hand over any relevant evidence. Finally, go through your possessions and take inventory of what was stolen and how much it was worth so you can submit a claim to your insurance agency.

Going Sheen:

Rip the covers off your bed and fashion a shoddy turban. Put it on and tear down your hallway screaming your own name at the top of your lungs. Incapacitate the burglar with the samurai sword you have hanging on your wall (oh yeah, get a samurai sword. Winners have swords) and tie him up. Rape him violently.

"I'm going to wrap both arms around it and love it violently. And defend it violently, through violent hatred. … I think my passion is misinterpreted as anger sometimes." -Charlie Sheen

The Night You Propose to Your Longtime Girlfriend

What You Should Do:

Arrange a nice meal at a scenic location your fiancé enjoys. Tip the waiter a twenty to get him to force the band to play her favorite song just as you drop to one knee and ask her if she wants to spend the rest of her life with you. Act relieved when she says yes and give her a hug in the middle of the restaurant, which should break out in applause (if not, it means you're ugly).

Going Sheen:

Pierce your scrotum and attach the engagement ring. Make plans for an expensive dinner at a scenic location. Slip a roofie into your fiancé's wine glass. Wait until dessert is served to surprise her by placing your testicles gently on top of the cheesecake while asking, "Do you want me to violently love you?" Catch her before she passes out and tell her she dreamt the whole thing the next morning.

"I tried marriage. I'm 0 for 3 with the marriage thing. So, being a ballplayer—I believe in numbers. I'm not going 0 for 4. I'm not wearing a golden sombrero." -Charlie Sheen

You've Decided to Get a Tattoo

What You Should Do:

Think this out carefully, getting input from people who actually have tattoos. Double check that any foreign text means what you think it does by throwing it into Google. Make sure you get rough sketches from every artist available and then sit down with your friends and choose the most appropriate one. Book an appointment and make sure to eat a healthy meal before you start.

Going Sheen:

Name three animals you think are fucking awesome and think of a way to genetically modify them into a single animal, something like an armadillo-grizzly-wasp or a polar-barracuda-cat. Describe your new spirit animal to a tattoo artist without drawing any sort of clues that would make it easy for him to know what the fuck you're talking about. Refuse his suggestion to "sketch something out first"; winners don't wait. Get the tattoo on your face. Rape your tattoo artist.

"Sure, I did a lot of things in excess. But if you look at the core, the foundation of what I pursued, what red-blooded young American male in my position wouldn't?" -Charlie Sheen

Taking Your Final Exam

What You Should Do:

Study hard, reading all your notes as well as the chapter reviews in the textbook. Get a good night's sleep and make sure you wake up early. Do some light exercise in the morning to wake up. Avoid stimuli like caffeine. Bring all the required materials to class; preparation is key. Take breaks periodically during your exam if time permits.

Going Sheen:

Arrive at your professor's house the night before the big exam. Make sure you're covered in blood (any kind) from head to toe and wearing an expensive track suit with just a wife-beater underneath (bonus points if you used the wife beater to beat a wife from a previous marriage). Explain to your professor how important this class is to you while maintaining unbreakable eye contact with him. If he doesn't say anything, mention how you would hate if an F-18 were to drop bombs on his beautiful house and nod to yourself for at least two minutes. Then walk away and get back in your car, never breaking eye contact.

"People can't figure me out; they can't process me. I don't expect them to. You can't process me with a normal brain." -Charlie Sheen

In conclusion, when life gives you lemons, go Sheen on ‘em.

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