>>> The Scholarly Tabloid
By staff writer Et Nola
October 15, 2006

“I can’t make up half the batshit crazy that’s going on right now. Apparently, I can’t write about it either.”

A Very Special Southern Discomfort

What is it about exes that makes them certain to appear at the worst possible times? I’m certain that many people wonder about the role exes play in the cosmic gag reel. Maybe God thinks it’s funny to remind us of our mistakes. If only I were comatose enough to enjoy the hilarity. I find misery more enjoyable when I’m unconscious.

The reemergence of an ex is a sacred event or something resembling the exact opposite. In fact, I liken it to having your favorite childhood toy sodomize you. Sure there’s pain, but you had some good times in the past, right? It doesn’t happen often for everyone, but for me, it’s almost a seasonal occasion directly resulting in “avoidance season” and “change of address season.” Despite the pitfalls, Ex-Season isn’t all bad. There are certainly perks to consider. Since the top perks vary from person to person, I’ll list some of my favorites.

Most of the least-appreciated perks of an ex’s presence lie in their unmistakable aura of crazybitch. As discussed during a recent contemporary biology discussion, this aura is a signature display projected whenever an ex enters any territory you’ve recently inhabited. The aura is visible to everyone within visual range and sometimes is audible to everyone with an ear canal. Crazybitch has the power to transform a “hello” into a prompt for extensive verbal abuse, including, but not limited to: reminders of inadequacy, (revised) sexual histories, and reminders why you qualify for public execution. With outbursts like that, who wouldn’t want a crazed ex to appear at social functions? You don’t even have to be drunk to enjoy it as a spectator. And if it’s your ex causing the scene, think of all the pity you’ll receive. You can’t buy that kind of sympathy.

“The greatest perk of the ex-migration: something I call Ex-Sex Version 2.0.”

Of course, crazybitch can also be utilized in another form. When left in the wild, exes must fight to defend their territory using a combination of emotional martial arts and vocal intimidation. In civilization, these exes are often seen at parties staring down any potential mates you might have once had a shot with. Only the strongest combatant can withstand the full fury of a vengeful ex’s destructive force. It is through this function that the crazybitch factor can help weed out potentially weak prospects. Also, it puts new prospects at your defense. Some people even hire ringers (aka platonic friends) to imitate the quality of the crazybitch aura. One should note, however, that imitations seldom have the staying power of the original article.

Though crazybitch plays a role in social situations, there are other unrelated perks of exes to consider. Remember that song you loved 5 years ago until its very presence annoyed you enough to club senior citizens? Exes are a lot like that. In fact, Shakespeare wrote a poem about it entitled, “Shall I compare thee to a 90’s pop band?” The analogy isn’t so far-fetched, considering that, like your favorite song of years ago, exes tend to be entertaining enough to be attractive. Also, both are a part of you—particularly the part of you that is expendable. The most distinct correlation surfaces in how too much of either depreciates their value. The frequency to which one sees an ex leads me to what I’d say is the greatest perk of the “ex-migration:” something I call Ex-Sex Version 2.0.

In its initial version, ex-sex is simply what happens when neither of you have really been able to stop rekindling the relationship. Version 2.0 is when you hit Betty Ford and get off whatever hallucinogens made you see things working out. In Version 2.0, you and your ex commit to the most beautiful of all pacts: “When we’re not seeing anyone else, we can still hookup.” I quote those lines because there’s no way in hell anyone in this century first uttered those lines. Seriously. We’re all plagiarizing some great prehistoric couple that figured it all out. Thanks, Fred and Wilma. I learned a lot from the Flintstones.

Of course, there’s etiquette to relating to one’s ex, but I’m sure there’s time in some other column or another writer’s book to pen those “regulations.” Consider this a refresher for the veterans, and an introductory to the uninitiated. This time of year brings out the crazies, so I thought I’d share some of my thoughts with you.

Oh, and if you’re one of my exes, I’ve decided to retract all restraining orders just in time for Halloween. I figured I’d make it more sporting this year. Cheers.

Note To Readers: More news and features to come next week, including “Five Top Ways to SHAVE Hours OFF Your Lifespan” and “At Least Two HEADLINES That Could Benefit FROM LESS CAPS LOCK.”