>>> The Scholarly Tabloid
By staff writer Et Nola
September 3, 2006

“Apply Directly to the Forehead”

After months of waiting, weeks of deliberation, and days of what my AA sponsor and the American Medical Association calls “alcohol poisoning,” it’s finally time to unveil the new look of The Scholarly Tabloid.

Now, I know what you’re all thinking: what kind of world do we live in where pedophiles can’t lay low amidst Thailand’s thriving sex industry? Well, I can’t answer that thanks to the “no-fly ban” of which I’ve apparently been listed. Honestly, you bring one trial packet of AstroGlide®, and suddenly you’re a threat to national security. There’s a mild irony to the fact that an invention discovered by a space shuttle technician is no longer allowed on commercial aircraft. Kind of takes the romance out of love at first flight. But I digress, it’s time to say goodbye to the old Scholarly Tabloid and hello to what this column was intended to be.

“Opinions are like assholes: everybody has one and Paris Hilton is known for sharing hers.”

To be blunt, little about this column has shaped up as originally intended. In fact, I originally vied for a spot early last August, but Court suggested I get my feet wet with a humor blog (pronounced: “hurricane”). Between heralding the coming of “Serpents on an Airliner” and my biweekly recap of the latest news, I admit writing the blog kept me sane while I traveled the country awaiting my return home to New Orleans. The randomness and creative flexibility of “Before and Aftermath” was a warm reception to PIC. Six months later, I started this column with a couple of stories I had been saving.

Somewhere down the line though, the jig was up: my mind was cluttered with the stress of getting back to “normalcy”—whatever the hell that is. Eventually, I gave up on normalcy and settled for just returning to an actual career plan. I heard that it comes with a free mid-life crisis if I act now. So, here I am back in New Orleans, embracing the heavier side of college. It feels good to be back. I missed spending nights drinking wine and discussing the prescriptive nuances of Judeo-Christian theologies just before hitting a Ludacris concert and several hours of bar-hopping. *tear* I love college.

Alright, that’s about all the sentiment I can take before I get offered a job on The View. It’s time to look forward. Since my next column marks the official change, I hope this preview offers you something to look forward to.

The new format of The Tabloid includes multiple sections, each with a different focus and a unique blend of “words” and “colors.” Critics can all agree that the new format is chockfull of words like “chockfull” and garnished with parsley, sage, rosemary, and Art Garfunkel. Non sequitur? I hardly know the meaning of the word. Seriously. I sucked on the SAT verbal. What was I talking about again?

Here’s a look at some of the new sections (titles pending):

Words on a Page
(Because “headlines” is only a slightly less hackneyed title)

A recap of the latest news with a spin found only here… unless seen everywhere else. Guaranteed to skim the salient details for the sake of humor. Who needs details these days anyway? (Weekly section)

Two Truths and a Liar
(Actual journalism… of sorts)

Tired of watching smokinggun.com or Nightline get all the credit for in-depth investigation and scholarly journalism? Me too. Assholes. It’s my turn. (Alternating section)

This Just In
(Online support for consumer whores)

Shameless promotion of something that’s either sweeping the nation or will be soon. From movies to music to the latest web phenomena, chances are someone out there will be more clueless about it than I. Place your bets. (Alternating section)

Southern Discomfort
(Editorials… as if the rest of the column weren’t opinionated)

Opinions are like assholes: everybody has one and Paris Hilton is known for sharing hers. Week after week, I’ll wrap up with what’s been lurking about the recesses of my mind. Maybe I’ll crack a fart joke. You never know. (Weekly section)

For now, that’s a glimpse of what to expect. I hope you found it “entertaining, whimsical yet relevant, with an underlined revisionist conceit that belies the author’s emotional attachment to the subject matter.” I too also hope you think it didn’t suck. Um, yeah… party on, Wayne. Stay tuned for the new Scholarly Tabloid™*.

*In HD where available.