>>> The Scholarly Tabloid
By staff writer Et Nola
September 24, 2006

“Ribbed For Her Pleasure”

When it comes to attending class, I realize that there are many reasonable distractions that take precedence over attendance. Sure, we call them “distractions,” but the truth is that often it’s our classes that distract us from some important people in life, including but not limited to:

The Messengers – How can I attend class when clearly there is information vital to life being updated every second on the internet? Between Wikipedia and Google, I’ve a wealth of misinformation to sort through and little time to do so. Sorry, Financial Management, but K-Fed is remixing his album. I promise to visit The Wall Street Journal’s online edition though.

The Visitors – There’s clearly no time for class now since all of my friends are doing something else. Sure, I could catch up with them later, but that’s not now is it? I mean, shouldn’t every moment be seized and shared with loved ones and/or people more interesting than organic chemistry? College isn’t just about classes; it’s just as much about social bonding as it is about covalent bonding. Speaking of which, are either going to be on the test?

The Strangers – Is that Victoria from high school? No? Well, I had to follow her long enough to know for certain, or at least long enough to qualify for my “Stalking Merit Badge.

The One (of Many) – He could be the one person you’ve been dreaming of. She could be the savior of the human race. In fact, this person could just be someone so hot you lose track of time eye-molesting them. If you’ve ever been late for class because staring at someone was well-worth walking out of your way, you’ve spotted The One.

The above is what happened after I ran into one of The Ones earlier this week. Proof that conversations lead to tragically written observations. And now, The Tabloid

Your Mom Says Hi
(She's a lady. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.)

This week’s letter is from Eric who, like many readers, is from the Internet.

Eric asks, What’s the story with your column, man? Sometimes you’re serious and other times its [sic] all sarcastic. Pick something and stick with it.

Thanks, Eric, for your comment. Here’s the deal with the column:

Desperate times call for desperate measures. After phoning in my debut articles, I came to the conclusion that typing while having unpaid Clinton-era interns “polish my fine silver” won’t cut it for you, the PointsinCase.com reader and humor connoisseur. It is in the spirit of reconciliation that I apologize… for reading your feedback while intoxicated.

For the uninitiated, allow me to set some things clear, as there’s a chance my column lacked the gravitas of season one of My Super Sweet Sixteen. There was talk that I had some articles ghost-written whilst I was out spending my FEMA check on a lifetime supply of Old E and a six-pack of hookers resembling my favorite cast members from 7th Heaven. I’ll admit I’m sad to see the show go, but I’m sure I’ll find another show that satisfies my fetish for abusing the one-eyed stepchild over shows with Christian overtones. I’d like to thank you in advance for your support during my time of need.

Of course, not everyone has been supportive. But to hear someone say that my writing lacked punch because I did not overtly use dick jokes and predominantly crude humor simply cut me to the core. My world was thrown into disarray until I realized Eric had somewhat of a point. Hell, I’ve shat funnier material on his mom’s chest (thanks for the memories, Karen).

Despite the punch I appeared lacking, the truth is that I’m not wholly incapable of employing such humor. I simply try to avoid it. The point is that I can be funny without being crude. My goal is to write something that makes you actually think a little while laughing. Of course, the style of this response is likely what you’ve been on the edge of your seat for. In the event that you weren’t holding on tightly, I congratulate you on spotting hyperbole, you asshat.

Look, it comes as no surprise that the world is in a state of chaos. Honestly, shit has truly taken a turn south, and we’re all in for the downward spiral to oblivion. Alright, maybe I’m just describing the lack of decent cleavage in primetime television, but you have to admit, things aren’t exactly pristine globally (or nationally for that matter). Of course, the world has always been like this, but it’s never too late to remain aware of what happens when people shut off their ability to think. Call it a refocusing. Call it “Excelsior.” In regards to my writing inspiration, you can call it an epiphany. I don’t care what you call it.

The truth is, there’s a lot going on in the country and desperate times call for honesty, liquor, and a shitload of Q& A sessions between the average person and whoever’s holding the shaft that’s screwing the populace. I may not have the answers, but I’ll gladly help ask the questions. Perhaps, I have seen the light. I’d thank God or Jesus, but that’ll only spoil the surprise of my Grammy acceptance speech. Listen, if you’re expecting something less than satire or thought-provoking editorials, click another link. Also, feel free to leave a comment. I value them. Though if you don’t play nice, I recommend hiring an anesthesiologist—my responses might hurt a bit.

The Gospel According to Google
(Formerly “Words On A Page”)

No news at all. Seriously. Nothing happened this week. But since you asked nicely…

Spinach Deemed Health Risk After Popeye OD’s From Weeklong Veggie Bender
Now that spinach is out of the way, my secret plan to destroy broccoli shall be set in motion. If I were a certain green vegetable… I’d hope my stalker were more specific in his descriptions. Seriously though, I’d question the arugula. They’ve been trying to set spinach up for a fall since spinach signed with Subway back in ’99. Envy jokes anyone? No one? Good call.

Pope Offends Muslims During Speech; Announces Mel Gibson As Lead In “The Crusades XI: The Batshit Continues”
So much can be said about the violent history of religious expansion that no two-inch column can do it justice. Of course, the warlike nature of Muslim Jihads overshadows the bloodshed of the Christian Crusades in present American media. Pope Benedict XVI targeted concepts broader than simply Muslim violence, yet a secular world such as the present may view the Church’s history and find its rhetoric too hypocritical to swallow with ease.

Bin Laden Suspected Dead; NSA: Please Stop Asking For Evidence
With widespread reports have been released stating that terrorist leader and amateur video talk show host Osama Bin Laden is dead. At the time of this writing, there has been no conclusive evidence found; however, spokesman for Bin Laden says absolutely nothing. What do you think he’d say? “Osama? Oh, dude, he’s been dead for a bit. We just had everyone thinking he was around shooting videos. We actually have an amazing hair and makeup guy. He worked on Broadway until he was fired from the set of Cats.

Southern Discomfort
(This week’s Southern Discomfort has been moved to my humor blog, “Before and Aftermath.” Stay tuned as it will return here at its regularly scheduled space at the bottom of the column.)

For other random musings and previously unpublished columns, check out the old editions of Before and Aftermath.