>>> The Scholarly Tabloid
By staff writer Et Nola
September 10, 2006

Now With That New Column Smell

From the scattered cans of light beers (for pansies), empty bottles of Jack (though Fidel Castro prefers Maker’s), unwrapped textbooks, and increased sales of college t-shirts, it’s time for football season… I mean “fall semester.” Don’t be surprised to catch an inordinate number of face-painted, foam-fingered, hair-dyed collegians yelling in a cacophonous cheer, “We’re number 1!!”

“Associated Press or ESPN Poll?”


“Is that adjusted for Cal’s loss last week or is that the preseason ranking?”

“Um, well, not sure. Anybody have the BCS formula, a copy of our schedule, and/or a graphing calculator on them?”

“We'll go slowly, just like your first time. By the way, if this is your first time, let’s not tell your dad about us. You are 18, right?”

Forget the math, folks. It’s football time. Whether you’re a college ball fan, an NFL sycophant, or neither (“I’m in it for the tailgating”), there’s something in it for everyone. No matter where you’re from (even if your school lacks enough grass to field a team) football is an outlet to embrace the full spirit of what it means to be a college student: drunken, social, and remarkably philosophic given the right blend of the other two.

Cheers, and welcome to the new Scholarly Tabloid. I’ll drink to that.

Words On A Page
(If you haven’t heard it, it’s news to you.)

Steve Irwin Dies In Tragic Case of Irony
Sting Rays 1, Crocodile Hunters 0. Kinda makes the Tampa Bay Devil Rays more menacing now, if only in name. Honestly, the saddest thing about it all is that I still can’t decide whether it’s more coincidence or irony. Somebody get me Alanis Morrisette, stat.

Facebook Changes Make Stalking Even Easier, OMG!11! LOLler Skates!
It’s nice to know that Steve is reversing that vasectomy as of 8:08pm EST. Have Erin and Maggie broken their fictitious marriage? Pity. I got the Party Invite to their honeymoon. I hope no one else knows they invited me.

Democrats Call For Che’(ney) To Resign, Oceans Rumored To Be Over 90% Water
I think it’s going to happen this time. Just for fun, he’s going to resign. Afterwards, the Democrats will raise a banner that says “Got Ya!” Confetti will rain from the sky, and they’ll have free cake (pronounced: oil contracts) for everyone. I think the guy who shot JFK is doing the keynote.

Agassi Retires In Emotional Exit, Vows To Devote Retirement To Mastering Pong 3D
I said it before and I’ll say it again, “Chartreuse is certainly one of the gayest colors by name alone.” It’s a shame to see tennis (he did play tennis, right?) lose one of its baldest.

Your Mom Says Hi
(Letters from literates*, penguins, readers.)

This week’s letter was sent in by Anonymous from “The Internet.”

Anonymous writes:

Hey, what’s the deal with all the changes around the website? Are all the columns about the world ending really from conversations between the PIC Staff? I’m scared. (Hold me?)

Dear Anon,

May I call you Anon? Super. To address your concerns, I’d like you to relax. We at PIC are always striving to bring you the latest in fonts and HTML formatting (we’ve even submitted entire columns in Wingdings on your behalf). We understand that you, like most Wayne’s World fans, fear change. It’s okay. We promise not to throw too much at you, but we’re working to keep things fresh and more helpful for you. We’ll go slowly, just like your first time. By the way, if this is your first time, let’s not tell your dad about us. You are 18, right?

Southern Discomfort
(An editorial… as if the rest of this weren’t opinionated.)

After a weeklong inundation of comments about “New” Facebook, I’ve decided to focus this week’s remarks to the broader umbrella under which the “mini-feed” feature falls. I am referring to the ideal commonly called “privacy.” As US citizens we enjoy the luxuries of the Bill of Rights, as well as privacy rights both directly and indirectly stated in the Constitution itself. Unfortunately, our rights to privacy have always fallen under the most blurred line of civil liberties: the trade-off of limited security for the surrender of partial freedom.

No matter where I turn these days, the issue of privacy lurks amid conversations. Whether you’re boarding a plane or making a personal phone call, privacy is a subconscious concern of everyday live. Despite that fact, I’m alarmed at how oblivious some are of the magnitude to which exposure and privacy are in juxtaposition. We place “personal thoughts” on internet sites under the false sense of privacy, yet feel violated by the leak of our “most coveted” thoughts. Perhaps it is insensitive to think that those who are willing to forgo absolute privacy by posting private thoughts deserve little recourse for the “unauthorized” spread of that information. As insensitive as it may sound though, I’m not the first to express such an opinion on the matter. It was Benjamin Franklin who said, “They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.”

The question I pose is about what defines our “essential liberty” and to what extent we are compensated for such a sacrifice. The issues raised above hardly scratch the surface, but are thoughts which should not arise only when social networking tools bring them to light. If as many collegians devoted such thought to truly discussing privacy on the societal stage rather than how it affects their networking tool, the fear that divides us may be replaced by the resolve that only wisdom and unity can afford us.