Hey, remember a couple steps back when that homeless guy held out his cup and asked us for change, and you spit your chewing tobacco into it?

Yeah…I don't think that went over too well…. He's kind of walking in the same direction as us now. No–don't turn around. I don't want this situation to escalate. Listen, I know how to handle these kinds of situations. I've messed with lots of homeless people. I've seen every kind of hobo, and I've pissed them all off.

Don't turn around or he'll slice your face into Seal's. Just stand still and keep walking. First: Do you have any change on you? If we throw coins as far as we can, he'll run towards them faster than a Kenyan at the U.S. Olympics. You don't? Shoot. I have a quarter, but that's beside the point. Hmm. You know what, scratch that. Time for Plan B.

Oh God, he's really picked up speed. He's getting close. He'd be caught up with us by now if he wasn't limping on his peg legs.

Alright, I'm gonna be honest with you: I don't really have a Plan B. Usually I just murder the bum and hide his body in a day care. Can you imagine the look on the kids' faces when they discover a dead, bloody, month-old hobo corpse? Hilarious! They probably like scream and shit! If they can even talk yet!

I love pulling little pranks like that on children. I think they love it just as much as I do.

Homeless guyOh for fuck's shit, he looks furious! He is out for blood! He.. is.. out.. for.. BLOOOOOOOOD!!!

Have you ever seen the movie Freddy Krueger? Okay, okay, good. Good stuff, huh? This is nothing like it, though.

You ever seen the movie Jaws? This bum is like a shark that lives on land and doesn't have a job, home, family, or morals.

Oh no, oh God in FUCK this is not good. I'm not gonna sugarcoat it. He just pulled out a rusty old knife. I can't imagine how much polio is on that knife. Or how much hobo rabies. You ever get that? Let me tell you, it is not fun.

Don't turn around or he'll jump at the chance to slice your face into Seal's. Just stand still and keep walking. Maybe a little faster. You probably don't want to get stabbed. That would be a real buzzkill.

Hey what do you want to do tonight (if you don't get stabbed dead by this haggard vagrant)? We could go to the Sex and the City movie and make fun of everyone in the theater throughout the whole movie (stopping only briefly to cry at the sad parts).

Hobo soup
Welcome to the Dollhouse, where a house is not a home.

OH GOD HE'S STABBING YOU. OH MY GOD. UH-OH. THAT- I- FU- UMM… YEAH… NOT GOOD. NOT GOOD, CHAD. You're losing a lot of blood here. You look like a zombie. Wait, worse. You look like a cross between a zombie, a wrinkled fetus, a pitbull's face, a hemophiliac after acupuncture, Kathy Griffin's face without any make-up and before she had any surgeries on it, an obese person's fat after liposuction, all splattered with gallons of period blood.

Stop crying. You look like a little girl. He is really going to town on you, ain't he? Answer me. Quit being a dick.