Nuptials are cool, fun and so "in" these days.

I've done my share of making fun of weddings, brides, grooms and the act of marriage thus far. Ridiculing happy people (whether they're really happy or not) is fun and easy. But the other side of wedding bliss is a cruel and ugly fate: being old and single.

If you're hating on marriage and claiming nobody will ever tie you down to tie the knot, go to happy hour today and look at the sad and pathetic souls sitting on their stools (or maybe squishing in their own stools, depending on your bar). If that doesn't scare you straight, go downtown on a Thursday or Saturday night (everybody out on Fridays is douchey).

Girls don't want to date an older version of their peers. They want somebody rich, smart, handsome, and established.See the guy trying to dance with the girls 20 years younger than him? He's wearing jeans that are either too trendy or not trendy enough. Maybe he's got his dress shirt untucked or his t-shirt tucked in. He's like your average college-aged wannabe pick-up artist, except he's grayer and has more ear hair. It's so sad that it's laughable. Or so funny it makes me want to weep.

Keep loving and leaving them and that pathetic fucking loser could be you.

Fellas, I hate to say it but there's going to be a time when all your friends get married, buy houses, and have kids and crap. You'll never see your buddies. The Wives Club will start forbidding their husbands from hanging out with you because you're a bad influence, or worse yet, they'll start trying to hook you up with their single friends, failures of femininity.

Good times get rarer than the steaks in Texas. Anchorman and Half Baked quotes don't charm the co-eds like they use to. Word spreads that you skipped dinner with your girlfriend's family because you got shitfaced and went to the dog track looking for midgets.

Pretty soon all your frequented vaginal fluid will dry up and you'll be forced to actually search for a lifemate. Since you're most likely a tool, the only chicks you have a chance with will be way past their prime. You should have gotten them while they were hot, braugh. Instead you thought you were cool and burned every lady bridge in town.

But hey, lots of girls dig older and more mature men, right?

Nope.

Girls expect older men to be better than the dudes currently in their age range. They don't want to date an older version of their peers. They want somebody rich, smart, handsome, cultured, well-dressed and established. And since you're reading this website, you're none of the above. You're best bet is to read every book about How to Pick Up Chicks, get rich, or learn to lie. Or re-discover the greatness of wacking off.

There are two types of older guys: wealthy, good-looking and cultured older gentlemen that get to pick out their ladies, and everybody else. So unless you're George Clooney, you're screwed–or should I say, not getting screwed.

Haha, laugh away ladies. The only thing sadder than an old-ass man trying to pick up girls is a sad sad Japanese man singing karaoke. The second saddest thing is an unattractive old woman trying to pick up uninterested dudes.

Now, there are three types of single old ladies. Hot Cougars, Tricksters and Community College Deans. Guys, make sure you pick the right one–a woman's skill of wrath and deception towards men only grows deeper and more vindictive as she's aging. Ladies, please know there can never be enough Hot Cougars in the world.

1. Hot Cougars

Hot Cougars need no explanation. She may be older, but she's attractive as well as smart and equipped with razor-sharp claws. The wild beastly Cougar searches for fresh, tasty and stupid prey–that's where you come in, guys.

Her fake titties may still have the price tag on them, but all boobs are real when they're in your mouth. She'll blow your mind until you bore her. Then Madame Cougar renews her hunt for somebody younger or wealthier.

Example: Demi Moore, Brooke Burke or mostly any cougar looking for a young buck in the rut.

2. Tricksters

Tricksters are the Hot Cougars' less attractive cousins. A Trickster wants you to believe her real breasts are better than perky young boobs or fake titties. Not true–they're like water balloons dangling from a rusty nail. You can't even tell how these used-to-be funbags are still attached.

At the bar, she'll ask your age and tell you, "Oh, you're just a baby." Then Old Tricky will tell you she'll "rock your world better than any of those young girls." What she really means is, "My vagina is huge, gross and hairy." When you start losing interest, she'll offer her husband's (or ex-hubby's) credit card to get you liquored up. In the drunken dark you might consider bragging to your friends about your mature Mistress Tricky, but come daylight you'll wonder how William Shatner snuck under your covers.

Example: Stifler's Mom.

3. Community College Dean

The last older woman is called the Community College Dean not because she's smart, not-smart or stuck in a shitty position; it's just the fact that she'll literally take in anybody. You're fair game if you're a student, 40-year-old living with Mommy, or a three-fingered woodshop teacher at the local middle school.

In many ways, the C.C. Dean is the least evil of aged females. She just wants to get laid and she doesn't care how successful or good looking you are. But in many ways, she's *shudder* yucky. She'll do things that will scare you, not in the good way. There's a good chance afterwards you'll renew your tetanus shots, seizure during flashing lights, start crying uncontrollably in the supermarket's meat section, and move to a new city. The only reason you'd want to sleep with her is to win an "I Fucked the Nastiest Lady" contest.

Example: Courtney Love in 10 years.

Guys, still want to dump your girlfriend because she's got a weird middle toe? Ladies, still being picky because you haven't yet met your knight in shining Armani? Quit kidding yourself and settle already. Or be a lonely loser masturbating to Law & Order: Special Victims Unit in your trailer full of cats. See if I care. I warned you.

Drunk textWeekly Drunk Text:
You are a one man lemon party.
-Matty
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