Chameleon rainbow meme

Bear with me for a second. I know it might be hard to believe, but even as a PIC Staff Writer/Permanent Six-Pack Museum exhibit, I do not find it difficult to walk from the front door to my mailbox due to a constant sweaty, slippery grind of ass I have to tap. As I make my cereal in the morning, I do not find myself burdened by having to satisfy enough people to populate a small island nation. I never have to stop on the way to do my laundry to pass undulating throngs of people who throw themselves at me genitals first.

People are not constantly begging me to plow them, is what I'm getting at.

Ok, ok, I couldn't keep that up with a straight face. Of course they are. I write comedy for the internet. I can't see out of my windows at any given point in time, due to the massive flurry of undergarments constantly being hurled at me. Several of you are trying to crawl through your monitors right now in an adorably misguided attempt to hook up with me.

Asexuality is abstaining from sexual activity because they're running a DuckTales rerun for the next couple of hours, and really, why would I want to get sweaty and roll around instead?But while the world is, naturally, trying to make a constant pilgrimage to my groin, I will turn every last one of them away unsatisfied. Why is that, you ask, absentmindedly stroking one of the several photographs of me that you own and keep framed on your desk?

Well, you see, I'm asexual. I don't really experience sexual attraction. At all.

Some of you are probably screaming bullshit right now, especially the ones who know I had a girlfriend one time, but hang around for a second, and I'll clear everything up.

When people find out that I'm asexual, there are usually several questions. Which is fine. Really. The asexuals who get all up in a fit when someone is curious can get over themselves, because it is kind of a weird thing to come across in day-to-day life. But at the same time, it can get a little old answering the same questions all the time. So I threw together this article addressing your questions to help clear things up.

You're just confused, right?

"Bullshit! You're just gay and in the closet! I've seen you in that sparkly green shirt with one too many buttons missing that you keep on saying that you'll fix up, but never do because you keep wanting to force your bare chest on the world!" you scream, dribbling spittle angrily over your keyboard.

And speaking for myself, just by the way that I act, I'm not surprised that people think I'm gay. I look fucking fabulous. A full two thirds of my wardrobe can accidentally start an impromptu street disco when light shines on it because of how sparkly it is. I make no apologies for that. But at the same time, that's just my personal taste.

Are there asexual people in the world who really are just gay/straight and don't want to admit it? Probably a couple. Realistically, at least. But the majority of them are just what they say: not into sex. It's not exactly that weird of a concept, if you think about it. Your sex drive is just a biological function, so it's not that strange to think that in some people that drive never clicks on, straight or gay.

And really, you don't go up to most of your straight or gay friends and start challenging their sexual orientation (unless you're a huge pulsating asshole), so why would you question an asexual? Unless you're the kind of person who doesn't believe in things like bisexuality, homosexuality or asexuality. But for the purposes of this article, we'll assume that you're not a piece of shit that's holding back humanity as a whole, and in fact is one of the reasons why aliens will eventually blow up our planet.

How do people react to finding out that you're asexual?

Unless I hang around people for a length of time, or I'm with one of my friends who likes to bring up my asexuality as a talking point, most people just assume I'm gay. Again, it's just my personality and general flamboyancy. The way I dress and act definitely tips the scales in the "heaving pile of rainbows" direction on most people's gaydars.

When the point does get brought up, it's usually either general curiosity or dismissal. Some people find it interesting and ask me most of the questions that I answer in this article, and others go ahead and inform me how confused I am, and how humans always have a sex drive and there's no way around it, man. Like, seriously, bro, it's not me saying it, it's like, nature. Or something.

Fortunately, I rarely to never (as of now) experience the lectures, ridicule, or outright danger of coming out that gay or transgendered people often do, and I'm really hoping that's a trend that continues, because really, getting fussy about what someone does in their bedroom (or skydiving, if you're a badass) is just silly. So, while I never really mind discussing the matter, I'm usually not one to bring it up unless asked directly, as it's simply a bit of a bore answering the same dozen questions over and over again.

What do you tell people when they hit on you?

Honestly, I'm not getting hit on by either gender with anything that could be described as regularity, so I don't have to explain my asexuality as a reason for rebuking their advances. And I'm not hitting on anyone, because really? Why would I? Although I do have a habit of hitting on men who act homophobic as much as I can to make them uncomfortable. Call that mean if you want, but they're the ones who decided to preemptively hate on around 10% of the entire human population for something that's none of their damned business anyway.

Ace of Hearts card 

So, you're celibate?

No. Celibacy is when you really, really want to go around making kissy faces with your downstairs parts with another person, but you don't, because God likes to hang out in the tree across the street from your window, and K-Mart was having a sale on binoculars.

Or something like that. I was never super clear on the concept.

To put it in slightly less offensive, and marginally less blasphemous terms, celibacy is willingly abstaining from sexual activity, regardless of the fact that you want to have sexual activity. Asexuality is abstaining from sexual activity because they're running a DuckTales rerun for the next couple of hours, and really, why would I want to get sweaty and roll around instead?

Celibacy requires a sacrifice. Asexuals are not sacrificing anything. They are not exercising self-control, or anything of the sort. They're comfortable day to day without even thinking about sex. It's super cool.

Do you ever masturbate?

Yeah, so, uh, really starting to hope that my mom did heed my warning about not reading this article, or if not, that she's at least given up before we've gotten around to this point.

Plowing forward regardless…

No, I don't.

Now for those of you screaming that my testicles will swell up and explode like a much more disgusting, but no less ridiculous version of that one guy from Big Trouble In Little China, then you should be aware that since life unfortunately isn't a cartoon, that's not how the human body functions.

For those of you requesting specifics on how it is handled…why? God, you're weird. In the interest of PIC not getting sued by the families of the hundreds of people who would commit ritualistic suicide if I got too descriptive, I'll keep it simple: I occasionally have to wash my pajamas in the morning.

Hope that clears things up.

Oh and while we're still under the masturbation tent (oh my God I'm sorry for the image that just conjured up) a lot of people ask me if I'm into porn for any reason. And again, not really, no. Although I did see one where some guy rescues a girl wandering around random backyards from a vicious garter snake that jumped at her from a tree, and he wrestles it into submission and it might have been the best acting in anything ever.

Masturbation is venting of sexual needs. Or a way to kill a few minutes between re-runs of That 70's Show. And I don't get sexual urges, so the thought just doesn't really occur to me that much, plain and simple.

That usually brings up another point…

Do you ever dream about sex?

No, not really.

Now, of the dreams I remember (not so good with that) there is occasionally stuff of a sexual nature involved. But then sometimes there's stuff about mountain climbing. Or falling to my death. Or fistfighting the extended cast of Sonic the Hedgehog. Or a thousand other things. And the occasional…erm…laundry mornings seem to happen regardless of what sort of dream preceded them. Seems to just be my body's way of subconsciously venting… I'm not a doctor.

So do you find people attractive?

Sure. Obviously. But to me, at least, good-looking people and attractive people can be two completely different things.

I've met absolutely beautiful people who are just wretched beasts, and I've met people who would get chewed out as less than ideal on a message board who I find to be absolutely amazing and great people.

I am more than open to the idea of being in a relationship with someone, but it's tough to find people who are cool with the idea of a sexless relationship.I can look at men and women equally and point out positive, attractive traits, and vice versa. But to me, all of that takes a backseat to what the person is like.

What are their hobbies? Their opinions on certain subjects? How do they act? What's their sense of humor? Would they just up and shank a dude? Are they intelligent? If so, about what? Are they confident? Do they spend what can be described as a significant amount of time thinking about what it would be like to play with Matt Smith's hair while he was on Doctor Who?

All of those things and a thousand others dictate if a person is attractive. And it's all subjective from person to person. Some dude I might think is super attractive can honestly and legitimately not interest the next person.

So yes, I can find anyone good-looking or attractive, I just don't want to wave my dong around them.

So you don't ever want a relationship?

Whenever I get this question, or any of several variations on it, I die a little bit inside.

"So you don't want to have sex? That means that it is utterly impossible to have a relationship. Because I apparently think that literally the only thing that truly makes a relationship is boning. Good old fashioned porky parts mashing together. Mush mush mush."

That's pretty much what I hear when someone asks me this question. And it makes me instantly think of them as immature and maybe a little bit dumb.

Of course you can have a relationship without sex. Of course two people can connect on an emotional and personal level to a point above and beyond a normal friendship without cramming their toilet parts together. Of course they can.

Personally I am more than open to the idea of being in a relationship with someone, but as you can imagine, it's tough to find too many people who are cool with the idea of a sexless relationship. On an unrelated note, if you happen to know any single asexuals or paraplegics who dig unknown internet comics, then you know where to send them.

Plenty of asexuals want relationships. Maybe they get lucky and find another asexual. Maybe they find a really understanding straight or gay person who they can communicate with and not sleep with. Maybe they have sex anyway. Again, communication is the most important part in a normal relationship, but it's even more important for an asexual relationship.

How do you know you don't like it if you haven't tried it?

Hi. I'm a virgin. I'm cool with that if you are. When people find this out, they often ask the above question.

To which I respond:

"You know how you spend every single day obsessing over the fact that you're not the yodeling champion of the world? You whine to your friends, pining over the day when you'll finally knock that smug Gunther Von Hosenstepp off his throne as current world yodeling champion, and reign supreme in the respected world of yodeling?

Oh, what's that? You couldn't care less about yodeling? It doesn't interest you at all, and even though I'm telling you that you would love it, you still really don't want to go out of your way to attempt to yodel? At all? Like, it doesn't move you in any way?

But how do you know you don't like it if you haven't tried it?"

It doesn't seem like it should work with that comparison, but it does. It only seems like it shouldn't work, because, well, it's sex. It's the holy grail. The end goal. You're supposed to want to do it. But again, when you don't have a sex drive, you simply aren't interested in sex any more than the average person is interested in throwing away their current life to start a pilgrimage to the Alps to train with the yodel-monks of Switzerland.

And hell, why would you expect someone to want to have sex without the innate drive to do it? There are a few potential drawbacks to sex (kids, diseases, etc) that most people are willing to risk because sex is supposed to be nifty, but that an asexual isn't interested in messing around with because they don't even have any interest in the supposed "fun" part of the naughty bits.

Would you ever have sex?

Honestly, lacking a sex drive, it seems like it would be exceptionally difficult to actually carry out the task itself, since the things that normally set up and continue the mood just sound like really weird touching, bumping, and cardio workouts to me, and wouldn't arouse me. 

In theory, something like Viagra could keep me working, in that regard. And I could see myself going that route for one of two reasons.

First off? Cash. Cold, hard (see what I did there?) cash. If offered to do pornography for an acceptable fee, I honestly might, as I'm usually in need of money, and I always like the idea that I could ruin someone's month after they click on the wrong video link. And don't look at me like that (I can see you through your monitor; wave for me). It's different, but not the worst thing in the world. But don't worry, I would only go through the hassle if it was for a sizable amount of money (more than would ever be offered to someone of my, erm, for lack of a better word, fuck-ugliness) and if it was completely to my convenience.

The second, still completely theoretical scenario, would be if I was in a long-term, committed relationship with someone who I truly loved. Because in real world relationships, sometimes you do things that you don't like to make the person you care about happy.

I would always suggest a rousing bout of Guitar Hero instead though. Every time. It's like my version of third base.

Does it bother you, living in such a sex-centric society?

It gets annoying, sure, watching people do things, justify things, and lie for things, all just to get sweaty and make spastic thrusting motions with another human for a few minutes (I just accurately described sex, right?), but more or less, it doesn't get to me too bad.

I mean, being an asexual, I view sexuality and sexualization with a general sense of detachment, but more or less it's still through the same lense as everyone else.

And there's not really a whole lot more to say on the matter without getting into personal opinions that have little to do with my asexuality.

So, um, does it, um… hmm, how do I ask… erm, does… do your… uh, toilet parts… function?

Yes. In the majority of cases the No-No-Squares of asexuals are completely functional.

So since you don't care about sex, are you like, super productive, or something?

Oh, oh God no. Fuck no. Shit. I'm lazy as fuck. You would think with all of the energy I save by not chasing after orifices to plug, I would be like, productive, or talented or something, but no, not really. Shit, I spent almost an hour the other night rolling around an empty parking lot in an office swivel chair I found by some dumpsters, pointedly not accomplishing anything on the long list of things that I should be doing. It was pretty awesome, actually.

But regardless, being asexual doesn't make you any more pre-dispositioned towards productivity than any other orientation. Because as much as I like to stress to anyone who doesn't run away faster than I can chase them, people are fucking individuals. Without sounding too much like an after-school special, people are actually different. Like, each of them. Everyone is. Sure, there are repeating patterns, and only a finite number of things to be into or not into, but everyone has their own thing going on. And that's cool.