It’s come to my attention that some of you fellows are very concerned with your girlfriend’s sexual past. Yes, yes, there are many positives in knowing that sort of shit. Of course, if you know that your girlfriend defines her self-worth by the number of guys who fuck her, then you can imagine that she’ll inevitably slut you over. If you know that your girlfriend has fucked 45 guys, then you also know that, according to those helpful government-mandated commercials, you have also fucked 45 guys and the chicks/other guys they have fucked, too (gross!).
More importantly, if you know that your girlfriend has no sexual history, you’ll also know that you’ll need to either renew that Playboy subscription or buy some bleach for your bed sheets.
With all of that in mind, I’ve got to warn you that the usage of the rest of this tutorial will most likely cause a world of pain. You see, like all history, a girl’s sexual history is jam-packed with things that nobody should ever know… things like corruption, oppression, in some cases pestilence; things that would make your pecker retract into your stomach.
So, just to warn you, nothing positive will come out of knowing your girl’s sexual past.
“Think of frat guys as tools… If you yell the bitch’s name and a bunch of guys laugh, add 20 to whatever number you’ve heard.”
But if you’re like me, you don’t really care, hence… we begin!
Her Sexual History
Before Rocky beat the fuck out of that Soviet bastard, he prepared himself by running through snow. Before Bill and Ted began their excellent adventure, they prepared each other by listening to hardcore rock n’ roll. Before I take a shit, I prepare myself by listening to “Right Now” by Van Halen.
Point is, before we begin… you need to prepare yourself. I don’t care how. Just do it.
Now if, perchance, you think that asking your girl how many guys has she sucked, fucked, and butt-trucked on a cruise liner during spring break is going to be easy, well my friend, in the words of the great Judas Priest, “You’ve got another thing comin’.”
It’s not going to be easy. It’s not going to be fun. Hell, it’s not even going to be remotely gratifying… but at least you’ll be able to flip out on her for her careless past mistakes. Sure, everybody makes mistakes, but mistakes have consequences and consequences fucking suck. Think about it. If she was able to take all that dick back then, she can surely handle you throwing the fact that she’s a slut in her face now. (Note: Not always good to do during a fight. Think: casual conversation.)
She’s going to lie, she’s going to cheat, she’s going to do everything within her power to trick you into believing she’s Genie in a Bottle Christina Aguilera. In reality, she’smore like post-line-of-cocaine Courtney Love.
Wait…. Do you hear that? It’s… it’s the women. “How prejudiced the world is!” they say. “How men get all the credit!” they say. “Is anybody listening to me?!” they ask.
Well bitches, here you go: the one thing—the one, absolute truth that I can unabashedly give to all women, is that you and your kind are better liars than men.
It’s relatively simple. Men, in the social realm, are expected to be heinously crude to their friends. If a buddy asks me, “Hey, does this shirt look good on me?” I’m required to say, “I’ve got a better question for you: Does that shirt come in men’s, too?” or, “Don’t ask me that again, faggot.” On the other hand, if a woman were to ask another woman the same question, the response would be something like, “Oh honey! You look great in everything!” or some other bullshit like that. After lying to fat and ugly friends long enough, women eventually develop a sixth sense for it. The funny thing about this is that the same fat friends that attractive women coddle actually are the reason for the social stigma behind promiscuous sex.
Yes, there are several reasons behind the stigma: our Puritan heritage, a growing STD rate, etc. etc, but only the unsightly and obese chicks matter. Okay, so that is the first and last time I’ll ever say and actually mean that… but you know what I mean—they matter when it comes to why women lie about their “numbers.” You see, much of society has warmed up to the “sexually-aware” girl—a girl who uses her teeth during oral sex, who calls her pussy a proper noun, and who expresses her “number” in scientific notation. Ugly bitches fuck it up.
Look, I’m all for unattractive women existing and whatever; they serve as nice comparisons to the attractive girls, and marry pussies who I generally don’t like. But it’s so fucking simple if you think about it. Unattractive women create the negative “slut” stereotype in order to assuage their egos. Their thought process goes like this:
“I can’t have lots of sex. Boo hoo! Nobody will look at me because my thighs are huge! Pretty girls get all the boys! I must not be as good as they are! Boo hoo! But wait! I have it now! I’ll just call them all sluts so they won’t have as much sex. Yay! Now I can eat my supreme, banana fudge split and not have to come to terms with being completely repulsive! Pass the mayonnaise!”
If you want to bitch about the social stigma of sex-having girls (gasp!), don’t blame Pat Robertson or Magic Johnson, blame Sarah Jessica Parker. Or, at least, blame that fucking soup ladle she calls a schnazz.
Now you have some idea as to why girls lie about their numbers… and knowing the motivation is half the battle. The other half is getting around the game.
So, because women are great liars… was that what I was talking about? Yeah. Okay…. Because women are great liars, there are too many variables to give one, definitive technique on getting any semblance of a true response from your girlfriend. You’ve got to manipulate her manipulations. You’ve got to trick her trickery. You’ve got to kid her, though surely she is quite a kidder. Luckily, as she is already having sex with you, you’ve obviously done a good job pulling one over on the bitch thus far. Good work. Keep it up. But don’t get too cocky. You could only be one of the hundred guys who were “lucky” enough to find a way to her cho-cha.
And that’s why I’m here. I’ve broken down the techniques you need to get her numbers, each with related risk and benefits.
Good luck, soldier. You’re going to need it.
Surprise! (At a Party)
Step 1: Go to party.
Step 2: Organize “Never have I ever” game.
Step 3: Pay friends to say, “Never have I ever…had sex with [#] guys.”
Step 4: Increase #.
Analysis: The more she drinks, the more guys she’s fucked. Simple as that. Think of the beer as a good real-time illustration of how much semen she’s imbibed. Cheers for your relationship!
Surprise! (On the Phone)
Step 1: Wait until she’s with friends.
Step 2: Call her.
Step 3: Scream the question so her friends can hear you ask it.
Analysis: With her friends hanging around, she’s not going to answer you. Based on her response, however, you’ll get a decent ballpark estimate. A laugh is usually a good indicator of a big slut. Though, something like, “I’m not going to talk about this right now” means a big slut, as well. Not really the best technique for getting an answer, but definitely a fun time!
Surprise! (During Sex)
Step 1: Initiate sexual intercourse.
Step 2: Flip her over (unneeded if already done).
Step 3: Wait until just before coitus.
Step 4: Whisper the question in her ear.
Analysis: I’ve read somewhere that women are more likely to be honest while having an orgasm. Problems include: an honest answer relies on your ability to actually give her an orgasm, and there is a good chance that the number she’ll scream will make you go limp. Nobody likes blue balls.
Let’s Discuss This Like Adults
Step 1: Call her.
Step 2: Prepare her for the question in a rational, calm manner.
Step 3: Meet at a scheduled time to discuss the issue at hand.
Analysis: BAD IDEA. I’ve included this step to show you the exact opposite of what you should do. First, it gives her way too much time to think of the perfect answer. Second, it gives you too much time to think about what she’s going to say. Thinking means BAD when dealing with women. Haven’t you learned anything from me?
Step 1: Find name of girlfriend’s enemy (they all have one).
Step 2: Mention to girlfriend your meeting of said enemy.
Step 3: Wait three days.
Step 4: Say “So [enemy] told me that me that you’ve had sex with 40 guys!”
Step 5: Allow for a pause….
Step 6: Say, “I told her to fuck off, because I know you haven’t!”
Analysis: There’s nothing like playing off of the vindictive hatred women have for each other. Sure, she’s almost certainly not going to give you an answer, but she will give you signs of how close you are. Hell, she might even volunteer the information after seeing how well you defended her. But don’t hold your breath.
Step 1: Go to frat house.
Step 2: Shout your girlfriend’s name.
Analysis: Think of frat guys as tools… and ways for finding sluts. If you yell the bitch’s name and a bunch of guys laugh, then add 20 to whatever number you’ve heard. If they scoff and call her a prude/soulless cunt/ice queen/etc., subtract 9.
I Hear, the Secrets That You Keep
Step 1: Wait until she falls asleep.
Step 2: Whisper the question delicately in her ear.
Analysis: This comes out to an even 50/50 on the good vs. bad chart. You’ll get an answer, but it’ll only be what she’s dreaming of. You could end up finding out that she has the hots for your father, or that she masturbates to pictures of Eddie Griffin. Either way, you’ll get some good information.
I’m a Trusting Dude!
Step 1: Inflate your number to a believable maximum.
Step 2: Tell her your number, in a nonchalant manner.
Analysis: You’re cool. You’re hip with the times. You’ve had lots of sex. You’re her buddy! She can trust you! …Of course she can. *Wink*
Let’s Take a Trip to the Clinic!
Step 1: Take date to clinic.
Step 2: Pay nurse to tell girlfriend’s answers.
Analysis: It’s quite simple. When you go to the clinic, the nurse will ask your gal how many sexual partners she’s had. She’ll also ask about butt sex, fellatio, and all sorts of fun stuff. They may be pretty big on patient/doctor confidentiality, but here’s the best part: everybody has their price. Not to mention, some nurses are hot.
Numbers Don’t Lie About Numbers
Step 1: Wait until she’s asleep.
Step 2: Use ruler to measure the width and length of her vagina (in/cm).
Step 3: Take x (length) and multiply by pi (3.14 yada, yada, yada), then divide by y (width).
Analysis: Accurate, but not precise. See, some bitches got a lanky vag and aren’t actually sluts. Some bitches got a squatty vag and are. Just remember, all bitches don’t like it when you spread them with a metal ruler. So be gentle.
If You Want Things Done Right…
Okay, so what if you’re not able to stick a metal ruler up her jazz? And what if you don’t have a phone or friends who are willing to help you seek the truth? Well, in those cases, you’re either a loser with no true friends, or a spineless pussy who “loves” his girlfriend. Whatever. Though, hypothetically, what if you’re just an impatient asshole and want the answer right now? Well, you’re a man after my own heart….
Take the following test and we’ll tally your scores at the end.
Yes or No Slut Factor Test
1. Does she smoke?
2. Did her dad buy her car?
3. Is she brunette?
4. Is she in a sorority?
5. If you Google her name, does a porn site pop up? (Not as rare as you’d think, my friend.)
6. Does her name end in “-y” or a vowel with a similar sound (e.g. “-ie”)?
7. Is she Catholic?
8. Have your friends warned you that she’s a slut?
9. Does she drink alcohol?
10. Does she have a vagina?
11. Is she blonde?
12. Is she your mom?! (You’ll get that in a minute….)
13. Is she in college?
To get the number of guys she’s slept with, simply record the question numbers corresponding to a yes answer, then add your answers. For instance, if she’s a smoker, add 1. If she’s in a sorority add 4. And if she’s blonde, add 11. She’s fucked 16 guys.
I should mention that that’s only the number of guys she’s fucked sober.
A Word on the “Foolproof” Math Equation
What would an article on her sexual past be without the good old “X= Y*3” formula? (X being the guys she’s actually slept with and Y being the number she tells you.)
Sorry guys, but I can’t and won’t endorse this. That rule was developed in the mid-90’s, when women were just coming out of their social sexual shells. It’s the 21st century, baby. Women don’t lie in thirds anymore! They lie in beds… with lots of other men!
God, I’m so fucking funny.
P.S. I get asked about my number quite often… so… well… let’s just say… I smoke, I drink, I’m ablonde, I’m in college, and I’m your mother.