Dave: Did you steal that $20 from her while you were making out with her?
Dave: That’s hardcore, hoss.
Luke: Coming from you, Nate, that don’t mean shit.
I am of the humble opinion that all men, regardless of race, creed, sexual orientation or hat size, are scumbags. (Please note that all my opinions are humble. I am the humblest guy you’ll never meet. I practically invented humility. If humility were boxing, you’d be calling me Ali, ‘cause I am the greatest at humility. I also float like a butterfly and sting like your gonorrhea tainted pee. But that’s another story altogether.) Now, we men don’t mean to be scumbags, we just are in many different ways (five, by my humble count). So, to help all the ladies understand just how much of a scumbag their men are, I am busting out the five levels of scumbaggity (I can make up all the words I like, it’s my column).
Level 1 – The Nice Guy
The Level 1 scumbag is the nicest man there is. He is the kind of man who opens doors for women, doesn’t drive drunk, feels sorry for dead animals, and actually listens when his girlfriend drones on about how shitty her day was, as if a jammed copier, a broken nail, and late mail truly constitutes a shitty day. So, what makes such a nice guy a scumbag? I’m glad I asked.
• If his woman is more than a thousand miles away, and he is in the company of total strangers, he will cheat on her. Usually, he will use a condom. Sometimes he won’t. The point is, he’ll still do it (or at least consider doing it) but he’ll never go looking for it.
• He’ll never steal from anyone or anything that is not a huge corporation which already specializes in screwing people, in which case, he’ll take whatever he can get.
• He’ll never go looking for a fight, but he sure doesn’t mind kicking the ass of the guy who messes with his friends, family or self.
Level 2 – The Opportunist
The Level 2 scumbag is the kind of guy who most women fall for. He has just enough thug in him to be considered dangerous, and just enough love in him to be considered changeable. He is, to the modern woman, the perfect mix of project and protection. But he is not as nice as the bag of scum in Level 1.
• He will cheat on his woman only if the other girl hits on him. At least, that’s what he’ll tell his woman if he gets caught. “Really, baby,” he’ll say. “She practically raped me.”
• He’ll never steal from his friends or family and can be trusted with all of your belongings. However, in your parents’ house, you’ll want to keep an eye on him, girls.
• He loves an opportunity to pound on someone, but only if there’s money in it.
Level 3 – Dr. Jekyll
The Level 3 scumbag is the kind that usually ends up in jail. You can recognize him by the fact that most women immediately get hot when they see him, but they tend to leave him alone because the women approaching him look like they started the female chapter of the Hell’s Angels.
• The Level 3 scumbag will always cheat on his woman, never admit it (even when caught), and shrug off his woman ‘cause there’s always one more out there.
• He’ll steal from pretty much anyone, unless the person in question is a scumbag of the Level 4 or 5 variety (self-preservation is more than just an instinct).
• He’ll beat up anyone who’s not a woman for any reason he damn well feels like.
Level 4 – Mr. Hyde
The Level 4 scumbag has usually done some jail time. People will refer to him as “the nicest guy in the world. Just don’t get on his bad side.”
• Life has taught the Level 4 scumbag to wait until he gets caught cheating on a woman and then explain that monogamy is not in his nature. He will usually let all of his women who know he’s cheating, cheat on him too.
• He’ll steal from anyone for any reason. Sometimes just for kicks.
• He’ll beat up anyone he likes, including women, for no reason at all.
Level 5 – Scum of the Earth
The Level 5 scumbag hangs out in places that you never go. He has so many warrants out for his arrest and open cases in which he is a person of interest, that he hardly leaves the house except to stomp on old ladies.
• Not only does he cheat on his women, he breaks up with them if they don’t let him film them having sex.
• He doesn’t steal anymore. He has people for that.
• He beats his women as a matter of habit. He doesn’t fight men much anymore. All he has to do is look at aggressors and they get the point.
Now, I’m sure some of you ladies out there are saying to yourselves, “Well, my man’s not a scumbag.” I’m here to tell you he is. Through no fault of his own, he is doing things and thinking things that would constantly piss you off if you knew about them. And hey, it’s not like he beats you, right? Right?
Anyway, we can’t help it. We’re scumbags. My advice to all you ladies is to shoot for Level 2 or higher. But again, that’s just my humble opinion. It’s not like I’m always right or anything. (Can you feel that humility? I said, can you feel that humility? Oh yeah, this man is humble.)