When trying to diagnose a person with depression, health experts will commonly cite several warning signs, ranging from increased restlessness to a loss of appetite. But in all of their studies, one factor repeatedly gets overlooked: what type of beer you have in your fridge right now. It's hands-down the easiest symptom to help detect whether you or a loved one is depressed.
So…are you depressed? You can safely answer "absolutely" if you currently have one or more of the following brews stocked in your refrigerator.
1. Milwaukee's Best Premium
Yep, this really is the best thing to come out of Milwaukee. But that doesn't make it a good thing. Let's face it, that city is just a giant turd with a baseball diamond in the middle of it. Which, come to think of it, is probably the best way to describe how you feel once you crack one of these beers open. (But, ya know, without the baseball diamond.)
If you're drinking this stuff, you're definitely crying yourself to sleep while watching re-runs of Saved by the Bell: The College Years. That's how much you hate yourself.
2. Steel Reserve Blk Berry
Oh. Oh God. Do you even remember the last time you drank Steel Reserve? All of the grimacing as it went down your throat and all of the, uh, convulsing as it came back out a few hours later? It was exactly like that scene from The Exorcist, except you were the possessed little girl, Steel Reserve was the demon, and your intestinal tract was the priest.
Oh, but this is black berry flavored, so clearly that won't make your situation a hundred times worse. For fuck's sake, if you wanted to kill yourself by drinking poison, the bleach under your kitchen sink would be a helluva lot more refreshing than this atrocity. Besides, you don't want the person who finds you dead to see an empty 4-pack of fruit-flavored Steel Reserve next to your corpse, do you? The scene is gruesome enough already.
3. Rocky Mountain Oyster Stout
You bought it as a joke because "there's real bull testicles in this, you guys!" But then you cracked the can, smelled what you thought could actually be the remnants of a testicle (hint: it was, you fucktard), and swiftly poured it down the sink while your friends swiftly decided they don't want to hang out with the type of person who would willingly shell out twenty bucks for a novelty beer that is, again, actually made with testicles.
Nice call buying that 6-pack, doofus. Now you've got 5 cans of bull's ball stout taking up all the space where your friendships used to be.
4. Labatt Blue
You bought a Canadian beer. Worse, you bought the one Canadian beer that tastes exactly like a Mountie's sweat sock. Then again, why buy Molson Golden when you're only a few missed credit card payments from slicing off your own tongue anyhow? That's…that's the right attitude, isn't it?
5. Foster's Lager
Oh, hey now. Things aren't that bad. Ok? You've still got so much to live for. You're not so depressed that you'd be willing to purchase a case of Foster's, look the cashier in the eyes, ride with it in your vehicle, and still have enough emotional strength to open your refrigerator and say, "Yes, this is what it's come to. This is my life now." Are you?
6. Bud Light Lime-A-Rita
Seriously, we need to book you an appointment with a therapist. Right after we throw these down a volcano.