Shiny nickel close-up

Are you lacking in funds? Tired of sitting around every night staring at your 6-week-old loaf of bread grow mold because you don't have any cash? Well buck up, fucko! Here are some fun activities that will only cost you five cents!

1. Nickel Picking

If you haven't nickel picked, then you haven't lived. Think rock climbing is ballsy? Think bungee jumping makes you extreme? Think nickel picking sounds like something I made up just now because I couldn't think of a legitimate form of entertainment that only costs five cents? Well you thought wrong, big cat!

Go hog wild with the friends you absolutely still have by throwing nickels at that empty ketchup bottle all night long!Strap in for the thrill ride of your lifetime, sugar snap, because you're about to spend an entire afternoon wandering around the sidewalks near shopping centers looking for nickels that people dropped but didn't pick up because it wasn't worth the hassle to bend over for five cents! The rules are simple: When you spot what you think might be loose change, take a knee, look closer at it to make sure it is, in fact, a nickel and then put that shit in your pocket!

BOOM! YOU JUST NICKEL PICKED, SON! But don't worry, the fun isn't over. It's. Just. Beginning.

2. Nickel/Quarter

Remember all of those nickels you picked? You know, from before? Well, I hope you held onto them because you'll need them to play Nickel/Quarter, the ultimate drinking game for the coin connoisseur. Prepare your friends for the coolest game that is totally a thing college kids everywhere play and is in no way a desperate, ramshackle attempt to keep them all from going to the bars without you because you don't have any money (except for all of those nickels in your pocket).

How do you play? Oh, it's sooooo easy. You just…um, you put the nickels into a…hat or something. Then, you pick a coin out and hold it in your hand…but make sure no one can see it. That should probably be a part of it. Ooh, then ask all your friends to guess if it's a nickel or a quarter! Whoever guesses wrong has to take a shot of the alcohol you required them to bring along because how the hell can you afford to supply everyone with booze?? You're not Warren Buffet!!!

Anyhoo, the best part of Nickel/Quarter is that you get to "guess" too! And since you know it's always going to be a nickel (as you were there for the nickel picking), you just keep guessing quarter! Then take shots of the booze your friends brought, because it's only fair that the supplier of all this fun should be gifted ample amounts of alcohol!

3. Nickel Toss

Nickels in a bucket
Nothing like the sweet smell of precious metal on metal! Am I right…or…?
"Hey guys, let's throw these nickels into those receptacles over there!" is an expression you've probably heard a thousand times at the many, many parties you attend. Well, did you know you don't need an officially sanctioned Nickel Toss game to get that same high-stakes, fast-paced action? You can craft your own game from objects you have lying around the house!

All you need is a nickel and something that a coin could hypothetically be tossed into to set over…there, by that half-table thing with the pizza box on it. That looks sturdy-ish. Go hog wild with the friends you absolutely still have by throwing nickels at that empty ketchup bottle all night long!

4. Nickel Stare

Wait, tell your friends not to leave yet! There are still so many activities to do! Like…look at that nickel! How insane is that? The…details are so…detailed! You can't buy that kind of detail. (Unless you have a nickel, of course.)

5. Nickelganger

Ok, hold up, you don't have to just look at it. You could…oh, who does the person on your nickel look like?? Yeah, it's technically Thomas Jefferson, but if you hold it up to the light in just the right way it totally looks like Mr. Feeny from Boy Meets World, doesn't it?? Fa-fa-fa Feen-ay! Fa-fa…

Where is everyone going?

6. Swallow All of Your Nickels

Take the nickels and put them in your mouth. Fuck it. Make a goofy face or something, it doesn't matter. No one's around to entertain or laugh at your goofy face or stop you from choking on all of the nickels you just put in your mouth. Sit down and have a good cry. Maybe someone left behind some SoCo. Maybe that will make up for the crippling depression you've managed to put yourself into.

And hey, it only cost you a nickel.

Follow Points in Case on Twitter.

Join The Second City writing classes on satire, sketch, and TV - 10% off with code PIC.

Check out events at The Satire and Humor Festival in NYC March 22-24.