Dexter Morgan smiling with blood on his face

Step 1: Present a friendly, outgoing appearance.

You should never judge a book by its cover, but sometimes a person's outward appearance can turn potential friends off. A scraggly beard and an overabundance of flannel might give off a "loner" vibe, which isn't going to attract any new playmates.

Try shedding that lumberjack outfit for something a little more practical. No, not that hunter green henley and cargo pants combo. That's still weird. The leather gloves aren't helping. Didn't you keep any of those khakis or Banana Republic shirts?

Step 2: Choose to work in an outgoing environment.

After college, it can be hard for adults to meet new people. That's why it's important to become friendly with your coworkers! Though office jobs allow the most frequent interactions with your fellow employees, any job will provide those opportunities if you look for them.

Except for lumberjacking. That doesn't seem to be an ideal career for conversing. Like, at all. What would you even talk about besides lumberjacking? Which type of wood is the easiest to lumber…jack? That's nonsense. Besides, a person with your "tendencies" probably shouldn't be in that line of work. Try to find a job where you don't carry around sharp, metal killing tools.

Step 3: Volunteer.

Volunteering at any number of organizations is a great way to meet charitable, friendly people. Besides, it's important to give back to your community in a way that doesn't involve stabbing people through the chest.

Step 4: Resist the urge to perform background checks.

When you're meeting new people, it's important to get to know them the old-fashioned way: through conversation. Start with some innocuous chatter about the weather or what's happening with the local sports team. But don't snoop into their criminal records. I mean it. That should not be your first instinct when meeting someone new. Stop assuming everyone you meet has killed or will kill someone!

Dexter Morgan talking to a female friend

Step 5: Now that you suspect they're going to murder someone, find a way to move past it.

See, this is why I told you not to snoop. You found the flimsiest piece of evidence to suggest this person keeps an array of body parts in their basement, and now you're going to go Full Metal Vengeance on them. That's…that's not good. This is what we call a relapse.

Do you even want to start over? Why did you move to the middle of nowhere if you're just going to continue doing the things that hurt you and everyone you loved? DID YOU LEARN NOTHING FROM THESE LAST EIGHT YEARS???

Just overlook the one, teeny tiny coincidence that led you to believe this person is a murderer. Maybe go get a beer with them. Otherwise, I suggest moving on and finding an entirely different person to befriend.

Repeat steps 1 through 5.

Step 6: Engage your potential friend in their interests.

All right. Back on track.

Eventually you'll have to move past the small talk and into something just a little more personal. But remember to respect the other person's boundaries. Not everyone will want to divulge their personal lives straight away, so keep it light to start. What's their favorite sports team? Do they prefer the Beatles or the Stones?

Avoid anything too political, and definitely don't ask what I know you want to ask. Don't. You don't need to know that much about their family history at this point in your relationship. I'm telling you, NO, do not ask if their mother died of natural causes.

Step 7: …Ask yourself why you just did that.

I just told you not to do that. Are you following this thing at all? If you want to continue agitating your Dark Passenger, then you go right ahead, mister. But I won't be a part of this!

Step 8: Don't listen to the voiceovers!

Okay, let's just take a step back here. I know you think that voice in your head has all the answers, that it's gifting you these little nuggets of wisdom from some far off, infallible cloud. But that's not the case. It's just you! It's your internal monologue! We all have one. But most of us don't blindly heed its advice to stalk a casual acquaintance! This is the irrational, deranged part of your brain talking and you must not listen!

Step 9: Oh, for fuck's sake what's Ghost Harry doing here???

Of course! When all else fails, cue Ghost Dad to come finish your sentences and reassure his little boy that he's just the smartest person in the whole wide world. Can't you see he's just another illusion projected by your own psychosis?! He doesn't even provide good insight, man! When you picked up that syringe, all he said was "That's a syringe in your hand."

Step 10: Put down the syringe of M99.

It's not too late to walk away, Dexter. You can leave right now and this poor sap will be none the wiser. You can forget put this behind you and form a creepily satisfying relationship! Remember, like you did with Hannah?

Dexter Morgan holding a syringe

Step 11: Put down the knife.

Okay, I know Hannah is a bit of a sore subject and I apologize for mentioning her name just now. I'm just trying to provide a little bit of context, that's all.

You're right, there's no replacement for Hannah. Of course not. She's the only person alive who truly understands who you are. And now she's gone. I'm sure those wounds are even greater than the ones caused by Rita's death.

Rita? Your…your wife? Brutally murdered by a dude who looked a lot like the dad from 3rd Rock from the Sun? Seriously, dude…?

Nevermind. All I'm saying is, you're never going to make friends if you keep taping them to a table and shoving a knife through their internal organs.

…Your wife, Rita! You were married! Had two adorable kids! They're also out of the picture now because of you! COME ON!

Step 12: Go fuck yourself, Dexter.

Seriously.

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