In my ongoing quest to become a best-selling novelist, I have decided to turn my attention to the current holy grail of highbrow literary fiction: fan-fic erotica for lonely housewives. "But what sort of fan-fiction?" I asked myself. It's all been done before. Twilight. Harry Potter. The Simpsons. No, I needed something new. Something hot. Something spicy. Something delicious. Something that people would eat up. That's when it hit me. I would use this as my inspiration:

Bad Byron's Butt Rub BBQ Seasoning SauceSo I went to the local grocery store and picked up a bottle of Bad Byron's Butt Rub® Barbeque Seasoning right away. I was blown away. It is quite honestly the best seasoning I have ever tasted. I'm hooked for life. I use it on everything now. Everything. So without further ado, I give you: The Sexy Adventures of Bad Byron. Not at all endorsed by the manufacturers of Bad Byron's Butt Rub® Barbeque Seasoning in any way.

Gertilda Honeypot was the frumpiest housewife in all the land. "I'm frumpy," she said to her frumpy reflection in the mirror. Her reflection sadly sighed. "Sigh," it said. "My butt is dumpy and my legs are blue. My fingers are stumpy and I smell like poo." It was sad, but also true.

And then she wept.

Once her tears dried, she went into the kitchen to prepare dinner for her ungrateful husband. He was mean and never paid her any attention. He never told her she was pretty. He never told her he loved her. He never talked about anything, because he was a sack of potatoes with googly eyes and a false mustache. He was very self-conscious about his false mustache, as he was unable to grow a real one. Gertilda knew better than to bring it up. It had always been a sore spot.

He was dressed as a gourmet chef. He wore no pants under his apron. His butt was magnificent. She was cooking a pork roast. It was her favorite food because it reminded her of herself. "Nobody understands us, pork roast," she said to the pork roast. She reached for the spice rack, but was interrupted by a knock at the door. "Well who could that be?" she asked her husband. "Harumphf," he said grumpily while reading the paper.

When she opened the door, she saw the most beautiful man-pig she had ever seen before. His smooth skin was the loveliest shade of pink, rich and creamy like a ham sunset wrapped in rose petals. His muscles rippled like the ocean at midnight high tide on a harvest moon. He was dressed as a gourmet chef. He wore no pants under his apron. His butt was magnificent. It took Gertilda's breath away and filled her womanly parts with an unfamiliar stirring the likes of which she had never felt in all her 53 years of life.

"My loins!" she exclaimed. "They are a-quiver! And who might you be, beautiful stranger?"

"Bad Byron," said Bad Byron. His voice was deep and sexy like hot thunder on the mountaintop in late spring just after twilight. "And I have come to stop you."

"Stop me? From what?" asked Gertilda, blushing with confusion.

"From using that generic seasoning mix. I could smell your pork roast from a mile away, and I came to tell you about Bad Byron's Butt Rub® Barbeque Seasoning. It's the best. Try it and see." And then he sprinkled delicious spices onto his bare buttocks, glistening in the wind like sweaty pink pumpkins in October just before the storm.

Gertilda dropped to her knees and licked Bad Byron's butt*. "This is wonderful!" she gasped.

Bad Byron smiled and said, "A little Butt Rub makes everything better."®

*WARNING: Bad Byron's Butt Rub â Barbeque Seasoning may cause genital burning and/or infection if used as a marital aid. It should only be used to spice up your meals, not your sex life.

You can stalk Bad Byron on Facebook here:

And here:

Show them this article and see if you can get me sued!