After consuming your marijuana or other THC-laced product, find a comfortable seat in your residence. It may take some time before you notice the effects, so find an activity to pass the time. Maybe you could watch a movie? Better scroll through Netflix to see what’s streaming. Remember, THC releases a flood of serotonin into the brain, which will cause feelings of joy, happiness and/or euphoria. A comedy may be an appropriate choice for entertainment, but that new Terrence Malick movie might blow your mind. Whatever you decide, make sure you keep your laptop nearby just in case you need to look up anything on IMDB. The last thing you want is to waste 30 minutes trying to figure out if it was Justin Long who made that cameo or if it was some new actor you’ve never heard of who just looks like Justin Long.

Eventually you will experience a numbness in the front of your forehead. The fluid pressure in your eyes will begin to alleviate. That’s the THC taking a hold and easing your glaucoma pains. You may even regain some vision, which would be pretty sweet. Now don’t you feel good? I mean, who would have thought it’d be this easy? After all, you deserve to feel better. Just because you manage your glaucoma by alternative means doesn’t make you a criminal or anything. Can’t they see you’re a kind-hearted, contributing member of society? There’s no reason to arrest people for possessing marijuana when so many are living in pain. This is bullshit! Those lawmakers are probably paid off by the pharmaceutical companies, so they can rake in more profits from their “legal” drug sales.

Oh shit! Don’t forget to take your prescription meds if you haven’t already done so. As much as you don’t like them, they do help you feel better. Plus if you take them now then all those side effects you hate will be relieved by the marijuana. There is a marijuana vaporizer nowadays which produces high quality vapor and is a good medicinal alternative. And there’s, like, some sort of canceling effect where the marijuana turns off, or maybe turns on, the brain’s receptors, which your pills normally use to make you puke. Well, guess what? That ain’t gonna happen when you’re high as balls! Marijuana will swoop in there and be like “You can’t make him sick!” (Waving its finger in the air)  “If you wanna make him sick, then you gotta get through me! This is my house! And you’re not welcome in my house!” Then the side effects will run away, and you and marijuana can high five and go on a fun adventure.

Speaking of adventures, now’s a good time to see if you have anything to eat in the kitchen. You could order delivery, but why risk having to explain yourself to the delivery person? It’d be like, “Yes, I’m high, but no it’s not because I’m bored. I have glaucoma. This is how I treat my disease, thank you very much. Now give me that pizza. Sixteen bucks, right? Let’s see what’s in the ‘ol wallet here. All I have are twenties. You have change? Umm, give me back two? Yeah, two dollars is fine. Wait. Is that a good tip? I don’t know. What’s normal? Oh forget it. Keep it all. No, never mind. I’ll take the two dollars. OK, thanks, man. See you later.” Or something to that extent.

Anyways if you’re still on the couch thinking, go ahead and make your way to the kitchen now. Who cares if you’ve never cooked before? That won’t stop you from creating the most delicious meal ever! Marijuana has been shown to make users more creative. Since you smoked some really good bud, that makes you extra creative. Feel free to open cabinets you hardly use, grab a wok or something crazy like that, and fix something so ridiculous you’ll have mouth orgasms. Put a bunch of leftovers in a flour tortilla and squirt some hot sauce all over it. Whatever spices you can find, add those, too. Your goal is to create a flavor explosion that’ll make you forget you ever had glaucoma! And don’t forget to have something sweet on the side, like Gushers. Oh, man! Do you have any Gushers? Look around for some Gushers. That’d be amazing if you had Xtreme Kiwi Xplosion flavored ones. God, they’d probably cure your glaucoma if you ate them right now.

With your belly now full and the marijuana’s effects waning, it’s time to strategize a sleep plan. One option is to return to the couch, grab a blanket and surround yourself with pillows (lots of pillows). Another option is your bed. If you can make it to your bed, that’d be the ultimate. It’s no secret you want to sleep there, but the couch has been good to you so far. Why ruin a good thing? Of course, you could grab the pillows and covers from your bed and sleep on the couch. Then you’d have the best of both worlds. Then again, that could be a lot of work with little pay off. Go for the bed. It was built with sleeping people in mind.

Quickly run and jump into your bed as fast as you can. It’ll be cold at first. Feel free to scream a little bit while you wiggle around under the covers. This’ll get your heart rate up, and the friction will make the bed warmer faster. Once you’ve formed a comfortable cocoon, take a deep breath. Your glaucoma should be nothing but an afterthought. You have successfully completed your first marijuana treatment. Don’t forget: as long as you can buy a fat sack, you will be totally fine. The only thing that could go wrong is if your dealer gets arrested or moves out of the city or, even worse, raises his prices. But don’t think about that. It’ll give you nightmares.

Now go to sleep and dream about working in a futuristic city, where you’re a time cop. Goodnight.

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