Rule 1: Never ever, EVER pick a 16 to beat a 1.

No matter how enticing this year’s Vermont-Syracuse matchup is…it has never happened before and probably won’t happen this year.

Rule 2: Only allow your subconscious racist to pick two Hoosiers upsets.

March Madness bracketCom’on…we’ve all done it. "Ooooo, look at (insert 100% white guy team)! They could totally beat (insert 100% black guy team)!" Unlike the 16-1 upset, it does happen occasionally. This year my subconscious racist likes BYU in the Final Four and Cornell over Temple in the 1st round.

Rule 3: Ignore ESPN.

ESPN serves the purpose of backround noise when I’m tired of the latest Miley Cyrus hit. But their analysts don’t have much of a clue. Like Digger Phelps. Just looks like the type of guy who would need a mid-segment diaper change.

Rule 4: Avoid one-man teams.

The idea that one player will pull the Teen Wolf routine and go nuts sounds better than it actually works. None of these guys are Lebron.

Rule 5: Fuck Duke.

Fuck’em, but respect the fact that the Aryan nation does occasionally win a few games. Some teams just can’t handle all the floor slapping and teammate-on-teammate fellatio.

Rule 6: Look for the one team who lost their star; blindly pick against them.

The best example of this was Cincinnati’s Kenyon Martin in 2000. This year’s example is Purdue’s Robbie Hummel. They’ll be lucky to score 40 points.

Rule 7: When in doubt, pick Big East teams.

It’s the best conference in the country with the most competitive conference tournament. Ever try watching a Big 10 or ACC game not involving Ohio State or Duke? It’s like watching a nursing home pickup game.

Rule 8: Don’t pick Louisville, because Rick Pitino is a baby killer.

Tim Tebow made up this rule.

Rule 9: If one of a team’s starters is rumored to be mentally ill, they will not win the national title.

This rule applies to Kentucky’s DeMarcus Cousins. John Walls' dance can’t save that crazy fuck.

Rule 10: Be realistic when moving your school through the bracket.

Until this year I would always bump WVU up a round more than what was realistic. This year is just different. There is actually a decent chance this team can win the whole damn thing, followed by Morgantown burning for 12 days straight. So I can’t help myself this year.

Final Four picks: Ohio State over BYU/WVU over Duke

National Title Game: WVU over Ohio State