DeMarcus Cousins basketball photo
"I swear I'm a nice guy. Really. Look at my smile. LOOK AT IT!"
Oh how I love the NBA Draft. There's the suits. The 40 person posses. 700-pound mothers. The guy who committed crimes in college who's always SO SHOCKED he falls. And of course there was the time Randy Foye said he would most like to meet his parents. I cried laughing for a solid 20 minutes. It's 5 hours of sorta racist comedy, and yet I don't care. If you want to see a real racist check out Larry Bird's Indiana Pacers. I guarantee they come out of this draft with at least one white guy.

Regardless, here are my predictions for tonight….

1. Washington Wizards: John Wall PG, Kentucky

– Couldn't beat DeSean Butler

– 12 credits short of a degree in Xbox

– Invented the John Wall dance

2. Philadelphia 76ers: Evan Turner SG, Ohio State

– Couldn't beat DeSean Butler

– Strangest voice since Avery Johnson

– Continues the Sam Cassell/Dennis Rodman tradition of ”Athletes who look like aliens.”

3. New Jersey Nets: Derrick Favors PF, Georgia Tech

– Nickname is "Sexual"

– Only weighs 185lbs

– Most likely prospect to be called a pussy by Charles Barkley

4. Minnesota Timberwolves: Wes Johnson SF, Syracuse

– Barely beat DeSean Butler

– Once refused to massage Jim Boeheim's prostate, earning the ire of his head coach

– Is going to fucking hate being in Minnesota

5. Sacremento Kings: DeMarcus Cousins C, Kentucky

– Couldn't beat DeSean Butler

– Is a fucking headcase

– Most likely prospect to commit sexual assault 

6. Golden State Warriors: Ekpe Udoh PF, Baylor

– The English translation of his name is actually just a series of clicks

– Can't read

– Was the goalkeeper for the South African World Cup team

 7. Detroit Pistons: Greg Monroe C, Georgetown

– 0 for 2 in trying to beat DeSean Butler

– In possession of a menstrual cycle

– Prefers strudel to pie

8. LA Clippers: Al-Farouq Aminu SF, Wake Forest

– Racist Comment

– Racist Comment

– Racist Comment

9. Utah Jazz: Cole Aldrich C, Kansas

– Nicknamed "The Undertaker" by scouts because he moves like a 7-foot corpse 

– Is down with trannys

– In possession of Vader-like neckrolls

10. Indiana Pacers: Gordon Hayward SF, Butler

– The Grand Wizard in Larry Bird's whitewash plan

– Invented the "Bros Icing Bros" phenomenom

– Likes big women, therefore will enjoy being in Indiana