Tonight, LeBron James has a decision to make:
1. Miami – Become the Scottie Pippen to D-Wade's MJ, win a few titles, and become the Clyde Drexler of our generation.
2. Cleveland – Maybe win one title that means more than anything he could win in Miami, and be a hero forever in Ohio.
3. New York – Maybe win one title in one of the few cities where basketball is still king.
Regardless of which city he chooses to make millions of dollars in, most basketball fans seem to have one message for LeBron: "Fuck you."
Fuck you for thinking your announcement was worth a one-hour special. Fuck you for thinking anyone wouldn't see through the shallowness of donating the ad revenue from tonight's special to the Boys and Girls Club. Fuck you for becoming ESPN's toy. Those puppet commercials on ESPN the past few years were pretty prophetic, because that is all you've become LeBron, a fucking corporate puppet. You're Alex Rodriguez. You're Peyton Manning. Go shrill for some boner pills you fucking dick.
You could've been someone that meant something, you could've been MJ without the gambling and distant attitude. Instead you're 200 pounds shy of becoming Magic Johnson, shrilling for anyone and anything that will throw some money your way and put a camera on you for three more minutes. Only unlike Magic, you haven't won shit.
Oh I'm not saying that's totally your fault; Cavs management has routinely fucked up every trade, draft pick, and free agent signing since taking you #1. But that doesn't excuse you. That doesn't mean we're ready to call you the world's greatest player yet. Kobe's still hanging around. Kevin Durant—who announced the signing of his extension with a simple tweet—might be better than both of you.
So go ahead, LeBron, have your one-hour celebration of you. We'll watch, and as a Knicks fan if you come to New York I'm sure I'll do some light celebrating, but from this day forward, you won't really matter. You've become just another faceless promoter of shit I don't care about. You're the Miley Cyrus of basketball—go show off your vag to the world tonight you fucking prick. You're now Hollywood Hulk Hogan—tonight is your ”fans can stick it” promo, and this has been my paper cup hitting you in the foot.