As your financial advisor, I’m excited to offer you the opportunity to enroll in our Top Gun Overdraft Protection Program, seeing as your ego is constantly writing checks that your body can’t cash.
Everyone knows that you’re a renegade pilot who plays by your own rules. When your superiors order you to not recklessly buzz the control tower with your F-14 fighter jet, you’re sure as hell going to do it anyway.
While stunts like that might impress your toxic fanboys down at the mess hall, the penalties incurred can put you at serious risk of being charged a non-sufficient fund (NSF) fee that can sink your credit score.
Your file says that you’re an elite Air Force pilot, the “best of the best.” You’re in the top one percent of all naval aviators, with (as you inexplicably scrawled repeatedly on your account application) “a need, a need for speed.” But from my qualified perspective, I think you have a serious need for fiscal responsibility.
By purchasing overdraft protection, checks will clear and ATM and debit card transactions will still go through even if you don’t have enough money in your bank account. This is especially important today as the soaring inflation rate puts a bigger burden on everyone’s wallet, including esteemed members of our military such as yourself.
For someone who has over thirty years of service, I must say that you have astonishingly little money actually squirreled away. Put quite bluntly, you absolutely cannot afford financial penalties of any kind. And after doing a deeper dive into your expenses, it took my breath away to realize your careless flying is only matched by your careless spending habits.
I had to go over the numbers a few times since it seemed like a mistake, but it appears you really do spend most of your income on expensive bomber jackets and vintage motorcycles, which considering the rising cost of crude oil is less than ideal. But that’s nothing in comparison to your foolhardy stake in cryptocurrency.
You apparently became the largest investor in a failed startup called “Iceman Crypto,” which from all accounts was an obvious scam. The listed CEO, Mr. Tom Kazansky, didn’t even have any legitimate business experience, and it’s very clear to me that he took you for a ride. You’d be surprised how many swindlers are out there preying on aging members of our armed services, which they clearly see as a target-rich environment.
I know hotshots like you only care about living in the moment, but you know what’s cooler than doing a 4G inverted dive with a Russian MiG at supersonic speed? Having the financial peace of mind knowing you won’t be forced to live in your hangar.
That might sound a bit unexciting to you, as it doesn’t involve the high-octane rush of plunging your 38-million-dollar plane into the Indian Ocean and tragically killing your co-pilot, but look on the bright side. At least knowing your credit score won’t plummet and burst into flames just as fast, should keep your balance sheet from also nose-diving into the danger zone.
Sorry for being a bit harsh, but after our last phone conversation where you ignored all my advice by just screaming lyrics to the song, “You’ve lost that loving feeling,” I feel it's my professional duty to ensure that your portfolio doesn’t also crash and burn.
Since you’ve never shown any interest in putting your air brakes on or using your reverse thrusters to slow down, having overdraft protection is the next best thing.
I understand you might not be happy unless you’re going Mach 2 with your hair on fire, but at least finding a comfortable middle ground when it comes to finances should keep the jukebox playing long after you hang up your dog tags.
Allow me to be your financial wingman for this product and I promise to never leave your side.
Eugene “The Ledger” Wolcowitz