As a personal trainer, I’m often asked the same three questions: How can I lose weight quickly? How can I fit a regular workout into my busy lifestyle? And which cardio exercises work best to prevent demonic possession?
Well, after many years of teaching aerobics, weight-lifting techniques, circuit training, and the history of occult literature, I’ve come up with this fun twenty-minute workout, which should tick all those boxes!
Are you ready? Great! Then let’s start the clock and begin.
We’ll start with twenty crunches. Lie down, link your hands behind your head, and raise your knees towards your chest. Can you feel that burn?
Well, ignore it. That’s just one of the servants of Satan trying to enter your body through your navel, but the more crunches you do, the more you’ll be able to resist their dark intentions.
Once you’ve finished your churches, perform star jumps for one minute. The important thing with star jumps is that you maintain the “star” shape and do not let it degenerate into a pentagram. If that happens, the gates of Hell will be wrenched open, and the fleshless hordes of the damned will release themselves into your lounge. This is the last thing you need during a workout (especially if you’ve got a cream-coloured carpet).
After minute one, it’s time to do twenty spider lunges. Start in a push-up position, bring your right foot to the outside of your right hand, land with a flat foot, and bring it back to the starting position again. Do the same on the other side, while reciting the traditional Catholic exorcism rites with every new breath. Do not look out of the window, as you may encounter the sight of Beelzebub, Lord of the Flies, watching and waiting.
Continue with star jumps for another minute two, paying careful attention to any involuntarily vomiting, profanity, or tendencies to speak in several foreign languages at once.
And now it’s time for twenty push-ups!
Place your hands directly under your shoulders, position your feet hip-width apart, and maintain a plank position. Lower yourself as close to the floor as possible, keeping your elbows close to your body. Do this ten times, symbolically pushing the kingdom of Hell away from you, while screaming “The power of Christ compels you!” Once again, do all you can to avoid the appalling gaze of Beelzebub, especially if he’s started to lick the window pane.
And it’s back to star jumps again! Star jumps are great for shaking out all that pent-up tension. You may also wish to assume the form of the crucified Christ, which will disgust any rogue demons that may have gained ingress during your crunches.
As we pass the three-minute mark, it’s time for twenty squats. Position your feet hip-width apart, look ahead, make sure your knees are in line with your toes, and…Squat!
Bend your knees, moving up and down as deep as your flexibility allows. If a deep squat is particularly uncomfortable for you, then keep it shallow. Remember, this is unlikely to have anything to do with your fitness or flexibility but will have a lot to do with the indescribably seductive pull from the netherworld, which should be resisted at all costs!
It’s back to star jumps! To keep things interesting (and safe!) you may want to recite ten Hail Marys or sing “The Lord is My Shepherd” as you jump. Try it! It’s fun!
And now, we’re into minute number four! It’s time for us to “jog” on the spot.
Start off slowly, as if you’re enjoying a nice relaxing run around your local park. You can hear children playing, and birds singing, and a single dog barking in the distance.
“But is it a dog?” you think, as you start to jog slightly faster. Doesn’t that bark sound a little too deep, and gravelly, and nightmarish to be a terrier? Doesn’t it sound more like Cerberus, the three-headed Hell-hound, faithful servant of the dark lord himself?
Run, for Christ’s sake, run! Do not let yourself be caught in his Satanic jaws, lest your soul be forever damned to breathe the molten ash of the dark world below!
Wasn’t that fun? You betcha!
Once you’ve escaped from near-certain damnation, do some more star jumps, have a drink of water, and then start again. Complete the entire circuit four times, then have a well-earned rest before urgently taking communion.
Needless to say, all of these exercises are most effective in conjunction with a sensible diet, and a daily round of exorcism. If you don’t start to see the benefit within several months, then please seek the help of your doctor, a qualified dietician, or a young priest and an old priest.