Nestled in the lush mountains of a stunning landscape, our all-inclusive getaway awaits with a luxurious experience designed just for you, the laziest piece of shit on the planet.
Our friendly staff will welcome you in the lobby, where we’ll happily carry your bags for you. Look at you pretending you’re about to help! Shh, you’re in a safe place now. It’s our pleasure to serve your every shameful wish. Your room will be just a short distance away, but we’ll gladly drive you in a golf cart transport. You can leave ambulating behind.
Don’t feel like putting pants on? Order room service from our round-the-clock menu, available any time you’re feeling up to ingesting. We’ll be right at your door with food farmed, harvested, raised, slaughtered, chopped, cooked, plated, and walked right to your room. Where do you want us to put it, sir? Right here, next to the bed? Sounds great. Can we chew it for you and release the premasticated pellets into your oral cavity while you recline? No? You sure? It would be our pleasure.
When you’re done with your dishes, simply brush them onto the floor. One of our friendly staff will crawl into your room with a dust bin and eliminate the mess as soon as you’ve passed out for your first nap.
Should you choose to leave your room, simply press the button on your remote and we’ll transport you directly from your bed to a lounge chair via your personal Ultimate Luxury™ stretcher.
Want a signature poolside cocktails? Just blink twice. Our bartender will swim to your side and lean in close so you have to but whisper your beverage choice. He’ll serve it right up in a sugar-frosted island hurricane glass or a hands-free I.V. drip.
We also offer water aerobics and nature walks. Wink!
As the sun sets on you watching us rake the leaves off our immaculately kept grounds for eight hours straight, enjoy a relaxing massage at the beach. Our masseuse will rub the veal-like meat of your body as if preparing to gut and spit-roast you. But we would never do that! We just want you to have the ultimate relaxing escape.
Would you like a turn-down service? We will literally come and untuck the sheets from your bed so you can more easily access the mattress. Can you believe this is a thing? It is! And we’ll gladly do it for you. What’s next, brushing your teeth? Just open up, here comes Mr. Brushy! We’re at your service, you disgusting asshole.
Speaking of, you go to the bathroom by yourself like a big boy, so don’t even ask.
In the morning, you’ll only have to vacate your room if you choose to avoid the humiliation of watching someone pick your underwear off the floor. But of course, we’ve also included a complimentary lavender-scented eye mask.