Hello, people of Metropolis. You may think of me as your god-like hero saving the city from destruction, but can we please discuss my latest jazz record? It gets a little tiring to feel boxed in creatively by being a Kryptonian god amongst mortals when my true passion is smooth, smooth jazz.

Why can’t people celebrate me as much for my rhythmic abilities as for my ability to save a child falling from a tall building? They are both courageous acts, in my opinion, and for what it’s worth, you certainly can’t vibe to the sound of a child falling from a building.

I have been able to channel the pain of my entire planet being blown up into some very emotional jazz—that I believe is my real superpower. I may be able to melt steel with my laser vision, but I can also melt faces with my dazzling clarinet solos.

I know you are impressed by my super strength and super speed, but I think you will be just as impressed with some of the melodies on my latest record. I need people to know that my powers include the ability to play every instrument in a jazz band, not just the ability to lift a cruise ship and outrun a locomotive.

I understand I am mostly known as a symbol of hope, but there are other sides to me the public doesn’t know. I have really improved my range since my last record, “It’s a Bird, It’s a Plane, It’s a Soulful Trumpet Solo,” and of course since my debut, “Faster Than a Speeding Bullet, Better at Trumpet Than Louis Armstrong.”

I have been heartened to see some very positive reviews in The Daily Bugle of the new record. Clark Kent, who has recently become the most respected jazz critic in the country, called it the greatest jazz record ever made. In his recent 36-page review he said, “This man needs to be seen as a musical virtuoso and nothing else,” and went on to say, “I sure hope people stop asking him to save the world and just let him shred passionately on the xylophone.”

When people listen to this record, they will really understand that, along with my super speed, flight, and indestructible skin, I also have superhuman musical ability. If you listen to track 5, you will hear an enchanting saxophone solo that is much more impressive than seeing me save a 747 from crashing into a mountain. I have been influenced by some of my favorite Kryptonian artists along with bebop, a combination that will surely distract from any evil plans Lex Luthor might have cooking up.

You know Bizarro? The guy who is the total opposite of me? He just released a jazz album and it SUCKED, which is absolute proof I am the Kryptonian Coltrane.

Please do not ask me about the recent alien invasion—I have been far too busy laying down rhythm tracks. I would love to save you all, but only after I put the finishing touches on the reverb on track 3. Trust me, you will be better served by listening to this life-changing record than by me defeating the evil invaders. What would be the point of saving the world if we don’t have anything to enjoy in it?

The real way to defeat evil is with swinging beats and syncopated oboe solos, not by teaming up with Batman and Wonder Woman to disengage the cosmic laser beam aimed at the Earth's core.

I would also like the public to stop calling me Superman, and please start calling me Kal Slick Fingers. I will also no longer wear a cape and will be wearing a slightly dirtied blazer. If anyone needs me, I will be handing out fliers outside of the Village Vanguard in exchange for stage time.

If anyone else invades the Earth please call The Flash or someone else without musical talent.