I grew up watching all of my favorite movie stars fall in love on camera with smokin’ hot dudes in almost too-perfect-to-be-true love stories.

Or so I thought, right up until I realized: Wait! That could be me. One of these meet-cutes would definitely be how I’d end up with the love of my life. And, sure, I’ve been called “delusional” or “crazy” or even “a menace to public safety” by the legal systems of California and New Mexico, but I’ve made it my life’s mission to find true love—and I’ve got all the best places to look for it!

Airports

There’s nothing more classic than an airport love scene. Unfortunately for me, my job doesn’t require me to go to Paris for a really big meeting or hop on a flight to Thailand for a different really big meeting, so I had to improvise. I spent six months camped out at the San Francisco International Airport, waiting for someone, literally anyone, to come declare their love for me. So far? We’re still waiting.

Other people’s weddings

After burning through my friends, coworkers, and distant relatives, I still hadn’t met the love of my life at a rehearsal dinner on a boat. But, like my court-appointed therapist told me, I’m not one for giving up. That’s why I decided to start crashing strangers weddings. No groomsmen? No problem! Find a stray plus-one and make a move on him before his date gets back!

Eat-Pray-Love-style solo vacations

Initially, I was suspicious of this one. Me, alone, backpacking the Pacific Crest Trail exactly like Cheryl Strayed did that one time but totally different because I was looking for a man? It seemed too good to be true. I set out for a three-month solo-trip only to discover I actually hate hiking—go figure. I ended up chilling at a trailhead in Oregon for a week or two looking for my rugged, man-bun wearing soulmate until a run-in with a grizzly bear put it to an end. Turns out bears will chase you, just like my future husband will too.

High school reunions after my glasses-come-off-and-wow-she’s-hot-now transformation

First things first, I don’t wear glasses. In fact, I have 20-20 vision, probably because my parents want me to be sad and alone forever. But, if your family loves you, you’ve definitely inherited terrible vision and can pull this off. Hot tip: show up drunk to your high school reunion, in a dress from Hot Topic, whip your glasses off, and shout “I still love you, Michael!” as public safety drags you away. He’s totally going to text me back any day now.

Anywhere it is raining

Looking for your perfect man? Try wandering around New York City in the pouring rain, pretending you’re a beautiful lost tourist in need of directions. When an attractive eligible bachelor tries to show you Google maps on his cell phone, grab it and run. On one hand, it’s theft and a small felony, on the other hand—now you’ve got his number! Send him a flirty text like, “how’s your weekend going?” or “thinkin’ bouchta” from inside your holding cell.

Trains

Long train rides are the perfect place to lock eyes with a beautiful stranger who will later father your three charming children. Sure, you could play it safe and read a romantic novel on a long train ride across the French countryside, or you could be confident and bold—no one ever fell in love playing it safe anyways. Spend years going through rigorous training to receive your license in train operations, become a conductor, and hit on all of your passengers. Is that Michael from high school boarding now? This is your chance!

Just remember: whatever hot spot you pick, you’ve got to commit to the part—take it from an expert, it’s the only way you’ll fall in love.

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