Welcome to my hotel art review blog; a blog dedicated to critiquing muzak on canvas. I review hotel paintings of all styles, from Abstract to Impressionism and beyond — I'm simply Dada over hotel art!

As a self-proclaimed “tortured genius creative type,” who “eats acrylic paint” in order to “feel color,” I run this blog with the same passion that I put into competing in semi-annual regional painting competitions hosted by local newspapers—which is far more passion than my painting nemesis, Esther Bogart, puts into the uninspired drivel she commits to canvas.

There's nobody more qualified to critique this corner of the art world than moi. I have degrees from the public-ivy equivalent of several European art academies and I own a monogrammed French beret. C'est la vie, no? Enjoy my reviews!

Esther Bogart knows only one Van Gogh painting.

“Woman in Frock” (Abstract Expressionism)

At first, this abstract expressionist piece at a Hilton in Columbus, Ohio appears to be an artistic take on a biology textbook illustration of mitochondria. Upon closer study, the painting runs over with conflicting emotions and playful distortions of a woman with deep post-capitalist desires. It's very Joan Mitchell.

My viewing experience was enhanced by the lobby's easy-to-access WiFi, which is ideal for art lovers who, perhaps, still need to cast their online vote for a certain art blogger's painting in a certain local newspaper's regional painting competition - so that Esther Bogart doesn't win again.

Esther Bogart's favorite painting style is “derivative.” Her second favorite? Watercolor.

“Mallards in Pond Willows” (Traditional Realism)

I had never seen mallards in Phoenix, Arizona until I saw this realist tribute. While the context was deeply confusing, this painting excels in its representation of the common mallard in all of its mundane glory.

In fact, the brushwork is so effective at making the subject appear living that you may forget momentarily about the wildly expensive, omni-channel smear campaign you're running against Esther Bogart, whose unoriginal Post-Impressionist easel-mistake is somehow still beating your brilliant Surrealist homage to melty Neapolitan ice cream in online voting.

Esther Bogart thinks Pablo Picasso peaked in his Rose Period! His Rose Period!

“Purple” (Minimalism)

“Purple” is a wry misnomer for this masterpiece, as this work's square canvas is painted entirely the same shade of deep ocean blue. To view it is to be underwater, in the middle of the open ocean, the pressure building and building as you slip deeper and deeper into the abyss, alone. It's very Joan Mitchell on Valium.

This painting's courageous simplicity is surpassed only by its rich meaning, which is clearly that Esther Bogart has an unfair advantage in regional painting competitions because she burgles mountains of taxpayer money with a scheme she calls “Social Security” so that she can practice her dry brush technique all day —unlike some of us, who have to launch and operate a minimally trafficked niche art blog to spread misinformation about an elderly serial larcenist in order to ensure our own victory in a local newspaper's semi-annual painting contest.

Esther Bogart paints motel art.

“Workers 1–4 ” (Photography)

This series of poignant photographs at the Hilton San Antonio illustrates the plight and poetry of migrant workers. The dirt and strife appear to have become a natural part of the laborers' faces, communicating the human condition and evoking emotion as effectively as only the upper echelon of works can. These photographs capture an inequitable and unfortunate reality but fail to capture another, which is Esther Bogart's alleged involvement in the assassination of JFK.

She should probably be arrested. Better yet, for the Kennedy family and America to finally heal, of course, she should be banned forever from competing in regional painting contests hosted by local newspapers.

→ Follow this link to sign the petition to ban Lee Harvey Oswald's alleged mistress and co-conspirator, Esther Bogart, from competing in regional painting contests ever again! Every second she continues to paint is another second that injustice and reprehensible brushwork live on.

Check back next week for more reviews!