In the past five months, the novel coronavirus has taken so many major events from our lives—Easter, Mother’s Day, Coachella. But one thing I won’t let it take from us is an opportunity to show you my latest hobby. That’s right—we’re going in a bubble for my adult guitar recital.

As you know from my numerous Instagram stories, I’ve slowly but surely been learning the electric guitar at the age of 33. After five lessons, followed by two months where I was really busy, and then one more lesson, I was scheduled for a recital with eight performers at my same level—coincidently, all children between the ages of 8 and 12. The pandemic had postponed it, but, with the help of a team of epidemiologists and many lawyers, I’m confident you’ll be able to safely watch me play “Last Nite” by The Strokes.

The first step is housing. I’ve secured 40 rooms at the Red Roof Inn in Trenton, New Jersey. I know we all live in Brooklyn and that’s where my recital is, but it’s much safer to quarantine outside the city and also, I couldn’t afford any other option. They temporarily suspended their quiet hours, so I can practice at any hour of the night—everyone in the hotel will get a sneak peak of my performance. They asked if I wanted to supply ear plugs and I didn’t! The hotel is really nice, or at least, really nice for a Red Roof Inn. The pool is great, but is currently closed for obvious reasons (a rabid skunk wandered in and drowned). The good news is they have on-site laundry which you’ll probably need during the 27 days you’ll be quarantined. Wi-Fi is $15.99 a night.

Testing has been a major problem in this country, but won’t be a problem in the Fender Presents Adult Guitar Recital Bubble (The bubble is not sponsored by Fender… yet). Through my connections in my day job as Mayor Bill de Blasio’s Chief of Staff, we will conduct daily deep nasal swab tests for the duration of the bubble. Please don’t ask where the city took these tests from, especially if you see any Trader Joe’s employees protesting outside the hotel. But, hey, let’s hope the only test that comes back positive is one from my guitar teacher (it’s not graded).

On the day of the recital, we will take a party bus to Williamsburg. Unfortunately, we will not be able to drink or dance or breathe open air, but, man, imagine how much fun that could have been. On the way there, I’ll play some other songs I know like “Seven Nation Army” but on one string or “Smoke On The Water” but only the riff. Knowing you guys, you’ll all go crazy for it—and, if you don’t, it would be a severe blow to my mental health.

Now it’s time for the show! Sit anywhere you like—no one else is coming. When I threw out the idea of doing a bubble for our recital, none of my child peers got back to me. It’s either because most of them don’t have emails yet or their parents already thought I was weird for taking guitar lessons and now think I’m actually a danger. Oh, well, their loss!

I’ll get on stage and take off my mask, revealing the cool lip ring I got for the occasion. Once you all pick up your collective jaws, I’ll launch into three and a half minutes of a pretty ok cover of “Last Nite.” And that’s it! After one month, 1200 coronavirus tests, and five to six dead skunks—they are predicting a second wave of rabid skunks at the Red Roof Inn—you’ll have seen my adult guitar recital! This’ll be something I bring up at parties for years to come and you’ll politely say I did a good job, before changing the subject.

All you need to do is RSVP coming on my Facebook event, sign the 67-page iron clad waiver, and attach an updated version of your last will and power of attorney—I hope you pick me! I can’t wait to see you there. Bill just called and said he’s coming and might play some Pearl Jam!


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