Hi everyone! It’s so great to see you all on this beautiful afternoon for a nice round of Frisbee golf! I just want to quickly emphasize that I am not at all upset we opted to play this game instead of volleyball like I had been strenuously advocating for since I spent four years playing volleyball at USC and rightly haven’t touched a Frisbee since second grade, as it is a children’s toy. So, hey, let’s do this! I’m psyched!

I did have just one small suggestion before we started: what if we don’t keep score? Don’t you think that would make the game a little more casual and fun for everyone, especially me, since if we do keep score, I am almost certain to lose?

Look, I’m as competitive as the next guy when it comes to sports I’m good at and have a decent chance at winning—you know, real sports. Like volleyball. But when we’re out on a nice day like today playing a game that we decided to let Brian pick for some incomprehensible reason, it’s really just about having fun, isn’t it? And what could be more fun than not keeping score and maybe even ending the game early enough to have time for another net-based activity that we would keep score at, whatever that activity may be?

Oh, now I remember: we decided to let Brian pick the game because we felt bad that his girlfriend dumped him. Right. Great choice, Brian! Really!

Look, the great thing about not keeping score is how relaxing it makes everything. Nobody wins, nobody loses and, most importantly, I don’t lose. I haven’t lost anything since fourth grade when I came in last during a hopscotch competition at recess. I changed schools the next day. And I’ll be damned if I’m going to end that hard-earned streak with whatever the hell Frisbee golf is.

Did I need to bring this golf club, by the way? I didn’t? Well, geez, thanks for the heads up, Brian.

Now, I know what some of you are thinking about the whole “not keeping score” thing: “What’s the point of doing something if it’s not going to give me an opportunity to demonstrate full and complete superiority over another human being?” And that’s a very fair point to make—arguably fair enough to abandon this whole Frisbee golf idea altogether and play volleyball instead. But the answer is a simple one: sometimes it’s just nicer to not worry about who wins. Especially when you didn’t find out what game you were going to play until the night before, leaving you no time to enroll in the three-week intensive Frisbee golf training course you found online.

It was called Fred Griff’s Frisbee Golf Boot Camp. Don’t act like the rest of you didn’t see it, too.

So please, let’s dispense with all the usual competitive theatrics that all of us but mostly me tend to engage in when we meet up for these games: no unnecessary shoving, no emotional manipulation, and definitely no reminding Brian that getting to pick this week’s game will do nothing to mend the huge, gaping hole that Jessica left in his heart, especially since he blew it on such a dumb choice. Today let’s just relax, have fun and not keep score except in a silent and secretive manner that I will only publicize if I happen to be in the lead at hole 17.

Unless you want to take me up on that offer to play volleyball. Because in that case I would happily beat the piss out of you all.