Dear Weekly Eagle,

I wrote this piece about my friends here at Birchwood High. I hope you choose to publish it, as I think it's really important.

Bruce Codneck

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Jason's Act is Really Wearing Thin
By Bruce Codneck

Ever since I can remember, the group has been three: Bruce Clifton, Bruce Cartwell, and me, Bruce Codneck. We're the three Bruce C's, or everyone says so. There's no two ways about it, and there's definitely not more than three ways about it. That's why I had to write this: Jason is really getting on my nerves, and I think he's doing it on purpose.

The three Bruces all met on the first day of freshman year. We're all in the same homeroom, and when the teacher called us, three in a row, it was an instant connection. We were grouped together in all of the class activities, on account of alphabetical order, of course, but we had a connection. Bruce Cartwell really took the reigns as the leader of the group, by virtue of being first called on during roll. We followed in his footsteps in every way.

So when Jason Coates showed up at the beginning of senior year, I grew suspicious.

The three Bruces plus Jason

Now, I get that it's not his fault. He didn't ask to have a last name that fit right into the Bruce triumvirate. But he certainly didn't seem upset about it. I mean, when my name was called right after his, he looked at me and said, "Wow, three Bruces. What are the odds?"

What is he trying to do here? What kind of mind game is he playing? I don't know the odds. Does he? Did he fix them? I have many questions, Birchwood. Can you answer them?

And he couldn't have just come after me? He couldn't just be named Jason Cucumber? He just had to break up the trio so I'm at the end. It's perfect. As if Cartwell and Clifton even notice. They're still right next to each other, no risk of being separated during group activities. I just did an entire icebreaker game with Mandy Dunn and Katie Earl. I've never even heard of them before.

There's a conspiracy against me, and I'm going to figure out what it is.

Jason is so smug about it, too. Whenever he hangs out with us, he just has that air about him, that he thinks he's better than us. Or at least that he's better than me. I can't stand it. Like, when I said that Bruce is the best name, and he had the sack to say that no, Jason is the best name. Not that it's a competition. But if it was, Bruce clearly wins. What a turd.

Last week when everybody was at my house, I spoke up. I went to the basement to get everybody some ice cream, and when I came up, I said, "How about everybody named Bruce C gets a dish of ice cream?" Bruce Clifton laughed, but only for a little bit, until he saw that Bruce Cartwell didn't think it was so funny. Jason smiled about it, but he didn't really get it, because he took a dish of ice cream anyway.

That's why I'm starting this petition to change my last name in all school records to Ceder. I'm not asking for much here—I don't need to be first in the Bruce list. I just want to be back with my buddies. If you could sign, it would mean a lot.

P.S. If this doesn't work, I'm also working on a campaign to get Jason's parents divorced and his mom remarried, so he takes another last name. I'll let you guys know!