1. If you think you’re going to need to queef, put your mat next to the woman in class who looks most likely to queef. Queefs are sexy, so this is probably the woman having the most sex. If you don’t know who’s having the most sex, just choose the one with the most tattoos.
2. Poses with your legs over your head, such as shoulder stand and plow, are especially queef-inducing. These poses are also hard anyway, and you’re not very good at yoga, so just skip them and take child’s pose. If child’s pose is not available to you, actually just take a child. Return when you get an Amber alert for the child.
3. Queefs often occur when the instructor tries to adjust you. This is because sometimes our bodies queef out of shock, such as being touched by a strange person. This is also why women queef when they’re about to have orgasms. Remember: queefs are sexy. To avoid instructors touching you, wear an ankle brace. This is also a good excuse for not doing very much yoga.
4. If you get stuck in a pose and you know you can’t get out of it without queefing, simply stay in that pose for the rest of eternity.
5. Queefs are the result of trapped pockets of air in your wrinkly vagina. To avoid them, do yoga poses that smooth out vagina wrinkles, such as downward-facing dog and sexual intercourse.
6. Queefs also mean your vagina has pockets that the air gets into. If you queef a lot, take advantage of these pockets and use them to carry snacks. This will come in handy during yoga class. Bring a Kind bar. Maybe even bring a second one to share.
7. Like farts, queefs happen when we need to shit. If you haven’t shit in the three hours before a yoga class, just skip it — the queef risk is too high. If you have taken a shit, skip it anyway. Yoga is hard and kinda boring. Also, you’re bad at it.
8. The most important thing to remember is that queefs are sexy because they come from the vagina. Queefs remind men of having sex. If queefs even have an odor, that odor is sex. Don’t be embarrassed about your queefs. But do be embarrassed about everything else you do in yoga class.