I’ve been out spinning on the streets, keeping children entertained in a way they’ve never been entertained before, and what do I hear? Gratitude? Praise?
Nope. Not even the sound of pens hitting paper to take notes on my ingenious methods. All I’ve heard since I’ve made this Trump-obsessed world a little bit warmer is negativity.
“It’s just a trend,” say the naysayers, “they’ll fade as fast as Pogs.”
Well let me tell you something you squashers of sunshine: I’m not a goddamn milk cap, I’m the milk. I’ll be an essential ingredient in raising children until the end of time. Doubtful? I just got cast as the lead in “Toy Story 4.” That’s right, John Lasseter saw me and said, “Fuck Woody and Buzz, Fidget’s got the real talent.” And Lasseter is absolutely right. I’ve got the talent, I’ve got the appeal, I’m here to stay because I am loved by all.
I don’t turn dreams into nightmares the way Tickle Me Elmo, Furbies, and Cabbage Patch Kids did. I’m a motherfucking dream come true.
Some people think my popularity is limited to children. Absolutely incorrect. I’ve got mass appeal. You may have noticed stoners gravitating towards me. You really shouldn’t be surprised; I require way less movement than a hacky sack and if there’s anything a stoner doesn’t want to do, it’s move.
They won’t admit it because they’re afraid of attaching themselves to anything popular will make them less popular, but hipsters love me. I spin like vinyl on a record player and if you attach a few feathers on me I make an excellent 21st century dreamcatcher.
Ravers are freaking out over me more than they did the first time they saw a tie-dye shirt. Walk into any young raver’s dorm room and you will see them take a break from caressing their EDC tickets to continue decking me out in rave ready neon. Soon you’ll see me spinning away at raves and adding to the light show, making those beat drops all the more memorable. Also, once the ecstasy kicks in, they’ll feel like they’re gliding in a neon helicopter with me spinning in their hands.
One unexpected fan base has been store managers. I was worried my size would make me a prime target for theft, but apparently I’m so irresistible I can’t be left in a pocket for more than three seconds. Yu-Gi-Oh! cards and whatnot are left in pockets for hours so they’re constantly stole. I, on the other hand, am always spinning away in someone’s hand, so whoever wants me has to buy me. You’re welcome, Walgreens manager.
Parents adore how quiet I am. Dead are those moments of horror when throwing a pair of shoes in the closet resulted in hearing a creepy “That tickles!” Also, I don’t turn dreams into nightmares the way Tickle Me Elmo, Furbies, and Cabbage Patch Kids did. I entertain without a creepy voice and face. I’m a motherfucking dream come true.
And a final note to all the haters who say I’m not gonna last, I see the way you really look at me. You’ll deny it, but I can tell you're looking for ways to make me into a sex toy. You did it to Woody and Buzz with the vibrator jokes, so I’m obviously walking in the footsteps of some of the greats. Perhaps I won’t always have a career in entertaining children, but I will certainly have a role in the baby making process as a tool for foreplay, maybe even conception if science catches up to your fantasies.
Pogs, Floam, Gak–I’ve learned from the mistakes of my ancestors. None have the qualities or mass appeal that I have, so stop comparing me to them. I won’t fade. They’re Ja Rule, I’m Kanye. They’re Marlowe, I’m Shakespeare. They’re Crayola markers, I’m a motherfucking Sharpie.
I. Won’t. Fade.